Daddy

I look at you daddy, and feel dead. There are no range of emotions that make me reach for you. No love, nor hate, but simple numbness that passes through my heart. There were times in the past when i wanted to love you. I wanted to be daddy's little girl, and get picked up, swung around; laugh with you. But high hopes merely lead to disappointment and you proved me that. Wants of loved turned quickly to hate and disgust. I kept my distance and I did so with ease. The phone went unanswered and for years i went without spoke or written word to you. 

I grew up though daddy. I learned that sometimes people won't apologize for their actions. I learned that sometimes, people might even go so far as to pretending that they never did anything wrong. Thats what you did, and i knew that i would have died and been buried long before i'd witness an apology pass through your lips. I knew that you would deny your wrong doing to  your bitter end, and keep the secret of it to your death. 

A secret it is not though, because daddy; daddy you spilled it to us. You left that secret buried deep in the hearts of your children. Each one of us having to deal with it in our own ways, having it pop up at times when even we don't expect it. It effects us more than you think it does and, Im positive it effects you. In fact i've seen the effect that it has on you, how long you've gone your life without having your children care for you like others care for their fathers. You know, deep in your heart that you've done wrong but you just can't bring yourself to admit it. Thats okay daddy. 

Because one day, this fear you have over me will fade from an earthquake to a light tremble. I'll be able to face you without quieting my shakes for there will be none, Its already started. That one day, i will drop this letter into a mailbox and not worry about your reaction to it. I will not fear the effects it might have, and i will not worry about the denial that you've thrown at me in the past. I'll have considered it over  and done. I'll have moved passed it and on with my life.

It won't be forgetting, because that is not something you can easily forget. Its something that will rest lightly in my bones and deeply in my heart. I'll often think back on it, and learn from it; but i'll no longer stage my life around it. and I can't say it will be forgiveness either. You've done nothing to warrant my forgiveness daddy, you have nor earned it, nor have you asked of it. Frankly, i'm just tired of living with hatred. Anger and hatred get you nowhere, and i'm tired to standing still. 

It will simply just be an end, and end to an era of fear daddy. Do you understand? No more fear because you no longer scare me.

Author's Note

please ignore grammar.

Reviews

[Erin]

This is incredible. Deep and full of emotions, I started over to read it out loud. This is amazing. I can only say these words because it must have taken a lot of strength for you to write these words down. I won't ever feel the same way you do, but you've given me a strong taste of what it would be like.
This is going in my library. This is powerful and strong, and this really came from your heart. Great job. I applaud you for having strength in areas most of us don't. This is an incredible (I know, I've said it before) piece, and I can't say anything bad about it. It's got that feel to it, the sadness, the pain, the hurt and anger, and that's what makes it so good. I'm reading more from you. This isn't the last time you'll hear from me.
PBP