Theme park

Social anxiety. exclusion, low self esteem, Lovely thoughts.

Its time to go. 

If you hate me. If you break me.

Say, it is alright? for me to be here?

Sitting in your space, occupying your reservation?

This theme park isn't fun.

The popcorn makes me sick. 

The Ferris wheel wont let me go. 

Endlessly spinning.

-- save me

Author's Note

Thoughts, or changes to enhance or improve welcome.
The above is a revised draft

The original:

If you hate me, if you break me,
Say its alright, please? for me to be here.
Sitting in your space, occupying your reservation?

This theme park isn't fun anymore. The popcorn makes me sick.
The ferris wheel wont let me go
Endlessly spinning.

Which one do you feel is better? How would you reword it or adjust it?
On the revised should I write "Endlessly it spins" instead? Should I take out break me?

Reviews

[Relic]

For me, the poem is vague in the sense that I don't know who you're talking to.
A girlfriend?
The crowd?

The question marks don't seem to fit.
The second stanza is better and more definite.

Is this an actual theme park or a metaphor?
Reservation for what?

See what I mean?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your feedback :)

Its meant to be a visualization of an emotion, and the experience, As in showing the characters hesitancy and fear of what the situation will bring. Hurt? Rejection? Abandonment? The revealing of their thoughts she believes they are having that she doesn't want verbalised? there isn't truly a "place" though she or they are at a theme park with people she feels hates her, or she feels taken there as a burden and the group she is with is excluding her in their treatment. But, maybe if I allowed more concreteness as you've suggested it could show that better too? The feelings I mean, as this is meant to be a representation of those feelings.
I'll keep that in mind about the question marks. If you think of it as showing their feelings rather then intended to be something real or external, in that perspective, does that make a difference or do you feel that is still the same? Actually reading this again I think your right I should change that a bit.

Anyway I'll take this into consideration xD

[Relic]

It's not easy to do, I know. Keep trying.

[Anonymous]

Both a metaphor and true? A mixture

[Audie G. Couch]

I really like the original writing. Sounds like being with someone who doesn't deserve your time, and attention.
Especially in the beginning.
I really wouldn't attempt to re-write (reword) another person's piece. Since, I'm not them and therefore couldn't really capture what they wanted. But if I was going to, it would go something like this:
“If you hate me, if you break me,
Say it’s alright, please.
Alright for me to be here, because at this time
That is not clear.
Sitting in your space, occupying your reservation.
This you may not want to hear, but I’m afraid
I must be blatant.
This theme park isn’t fun, on its’ grounds,
I no longer wish to be. The popcorn makes me sick, and
The ferris wheel won’t let go of me.
Squeezing tighter,
Trapped in its’ endless spin.
I want out, but endlessly it continues,
Fatal, grim.”

Hope this helps you, and thanks for sharing. =-)

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your feedback,

While I wouldn't do the rewriting you have presented, seeing someone else rewrite it really helps me have perspective to see things myself and helps me think of how to get out of my own writing box to rewrite xD?
Like, seeing another way in which my words could be crafted, or the feeling be brought that I never thought of before. So my brain feels opened in a way.

[Audie G. Couch]

Cool, and your welcome.

[Green]

I honestly like the original better, although I would vote for the removal of the "if you break me" line. It doesn't seem to fit as well with the rest of it for me. Although I do like the way you broke the lines up more in the posted version. I'm just conflicted, I guess, between the two. As far as further revisions go, the only other thing I'll add is that the 'its' should be it's.
Another thought: I do kind of like the idea of the cross throughs being a part of the finished thing (unless that's how it was already meant in which case ignore me)
I will confess to being slightly confused on a first reading, but I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I did go and read your comments on the other review and it is clearer now, and that was my general feeling to begin with I just wasn't sure if it was right. Maybe when you're finished, you should consider putting a short explanation in the note box. Or not, leaving it open is kind of fun as well. I'm rambling, overall I think it's a good write.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your feedback i'll put your words into consideration :)

Yes! The crossed out lines, "If you break me," and "let me go," are meant to show that these are connected, "If you break me let me go." like what is underneath what her outward actions are showing. Her inner feelings and fears she can't articulate. With that in mind, does it make a difference in your opinion about taking it out? At first I was going to leave that out for better flow, then thought it might be good to show that.
Reading your review, I think without the tags, it is hard to understand the concept I was going for, since the title is theme park, and not say something like social anxiety? I think I should probably add more in the poem itself to make it more clear that its meant to showcase that. Thank you for your feedback. I will take this into consideration :)

[rew]

No, to your last question - leave '' break me '' in.
It adds some extra great mystery, some spice. to the rest of this mysterious poem.
regards from rew.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your feedback :)

[miroslava]

Tthe poem deals with emotions of the person who can't enjoy the life anymore...I wouldn't take out"if you break me", and "endlessly spinning "fits better as for me

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your feedback :)!