Sheltering Frail Futures

This is my answer to the Poetry Challenge on bricks.

Red and brown and black

From earth of sand and clay

Fired, piled high and stacked

In lyme and sand, row upon row to stay

Reaching high and standing strong

Standing tall and proud and fine

Warm and safe in Winters long

Stand ‘gainst gales or hot sunshine

Stair-stepping and interlocking

Rough and sharp and clean and squared

Together creating strength so shocking

Sheltering frail futures shared.

Author's Note

How's this slightly edited version. I think it flows much better now. It's finally finished.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

i get a sense of your struggling with this one .. it is very concrete :) until the very last line .. maybe some weaving of some of that into the body of your poem ??? not sure you need this line:
"To stand still strong in a hundred years time" ... i worked construction for about 15 yrs and "Bricks" brings smells and hard work and solid structures back to me .. it was a horrible time .. it was a glorious time ;) good luck with your poem .. loved reading
E.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. And, I agree about that line. It think it's the really problematic line; it was rammed in there to complete the rhyme. But, I don't think it really works. I don't know what to do about it.

[MomzillaNC]

What do you think of "Standing tall and proud and fine" in place of that line?

[Einstein Noodle]

rhyme and cadence is not easy ... my hair is always messed .. my clothes disheveled .. so i rarely give it a go .. not sure it is necessarily the line itself ...perhaps the cadence is off??!! i notice you are making use of "and" quite a bit .. maybe something different there?? in the first 4 lines sand is used to rhyme on itself .. maybe something else there??? also standing is used twice in your poem .. i am not saying these things are negative .. just might be places you can tweak this a little .. like i say .. i am undisciplined and uneducated ;) so please take these remarks with the proverbial grain .. :) and again great fortune to you
E.

[MomzillaNC]

I can see you points. I don't disagree. But, I'm certain you were correct about the awkwardness of that line in your first read through. If I can fix that line, I think the rest might come to me.

[MomzillaNC]

What do you think of the edited version?

[Einstein Noodle]

i think it flows more naturally ... easier to read ...
E.

[MomzillaNC]

Thanks so much for your input! It was a great help!

[Briana O'Connor]

I really like this one for some reason.To write so boldly of something so simple is quite magical. I like it the way it is. Thank you for sharing.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you for your review.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i really like this momzilla...it reminds me of our five story apartment building in Bronx...and to this day...60 years later, the apartment still stands strong...much like childhood memories.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. I love brick buildings. I've always wanted a brick home.

This was for the Poetry Challenge group. I had a touch of writer's block, and decided to see what I could do to stretch my poetic muscles with something pervasively mundane. There happened to be a brick wall in front of me, so I went with that, and issued the challenge to our group. KLGoode followed suit with her own challenge to make the mundane sexy; which is where "Delectable Slide" came from.

[icelandicblue]

I think bricks represent so much. The cleaving of the earth where we always return, the drying of our tears, the heat of our emotions while we try to build something more upon the foundation of ourselves.

[MomzillaNC]

Sigh… where were you when I was struggling with this one! :D

Thank you for the read.

[icelandicblue]

I think it's a perfectly lovely poem and I found so much meaning in it. ; )

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you.

[willweb]

This is so well done. Who would think the theme "Bricks" could create such a wonderful poem. I really enjoyed this today.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you very much.

[Lyn Anderson]

I like it. It is very solid -- like a brick, as EinstenNoodle says, concrete ...

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. Any suggestions for that misshapen line?

[Lyn Anderson]

Shelter for our futures layered? bared? prepared?

[MomzillaNC]

The line has to rhyme with lyme. The misshapen line is "To stand still strong in a hundred years time." E. Noodle highlighted that line and it struck me that it's the line that's hanging up the poem. It just doesn't work. The "Sheltering frail futures shared" works rather well, I thought.

[MomzillaNC]

What about "Standing tall and proud and fine" in place of that line about time?

[Lyn Anderson]

Oh, I misunderstood what you were unhappy with. I like the above.

[MomzillaNC]

What do you think of the edited poem?

[Lyn Anderson]

I think it fits nicely.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you.

[R Smith]

oh well I found this so far in my search for the brick challenge, bear with me i'm not very good at navigating these sites, its a really good Brick poem by the way :)

[MomzillaNC]

Thanks.

To find the group page, go to your groups. The Poetry Challenge group has a yellow "card" with a red frame/trim. Click on that group and you'll see forum posts where the various challenges are posted; this is also where you will post any challenge you wish to issue. There's also a list of New Writing where you can select poems from your own archive to post when you've completed a challenge and are ready to share it with the group.

[MomzillaNC]

What do you think of "Standing tall and proud and fine" in place of "To stand still strong in a hundred years time?"

[R Smith]

actually yes I like that better, the original line did break the flow a little bit, yep that is better :)

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. I'm going to change it now. Then, maybe I can better see if there are tweaks to make the whole better. I just couldn't get past that line. If I'm stumbling over it, that's really bad… :D

[MomzillaNC]

How's the edited version?

[R Smith]

if I had written it, I think I would write,

Red and brown and black
from earth of sand and clay,
fire, pile high and stack,
in lyme and sand, each row to stay.

Reaching high and standing strong,
mighty, tall, proud and fine,
warm and safe in winter's long,
firm 'gainst gales or hot sunshine.

stair stepping and interlocking,
rough, sharp, clean and squared,
together create strength so shocking,
shelter frail future's shared.

that's how I would go but its your poem so don't let me influence you, yours is very good :)

[MomzillaNC]

"hot sunshine" is good! I'm adding that right now!

[Christopher Withers]

I like the ending, injecting fragile humanity into an enduring shell of earth, clay and sand.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. This one's giving me fits. It's the best I could come up with and I'm not completely happy with it. And, I'm the one who issued the dang challenge! :D