Gaia Swoons

Gaia Swoons

The flowers are melancholy…

The forest primeval weeps…

Th’albatross and gull are laid low…

As the briny depths heave a sigh of regret…

The nightingale weeps a lonely song…

And the mountain groans incomparable loss…

As the majestic dance falters… and Gaia swoons.

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

Personal preference, but I find 'primordial' to have a stronger connotation, and to roll off the tongue better... Perhaps see how you like it instead of primeval? You also use weep twice, and on a poem of this length (and consistent theme of melancholy), a repetition of a word such as weep is almost always a bad idea. Perhaps change the first one to 'laments'?. I would also recommend removing the unnecessary words from the beginning of each line, delete everything up to and including 'the'; I think it really holds this back, the way that each line's descriptions use 'the'. Anyway, I like the concept behind this one, and it is really summed up well in your last line, as if the whole of creation is stumbling, and the earth as one will collapse.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you for the input and your review. I think "primordial" could have worked; and, I agree "lament" might have been a better word for one of the "weeps." It's too late now, though. This poem is the pivot of a Poetry Challenge from which other poets pulled a line and composed their own poem on the theme of global climate change.

However, I disagree about the use of "The" which was a deliberate device to drive the point that this tragedy is repeated everywhere, to give a repetitive feel to each different line.

Thanks again.

[Briana O'Connor]

So beautiful I borrowed more than one of your lines from this one :P

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you very much. Yes, I noticed that you worked in several of the lines. Good job.

[EatingWaffles]

It confused me, but I like it. lol.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. I'm sorry it confused you. It's meant to be ambiguous. The poem is about global climate change.

[Fran Marie]

Sad and sorrowful image defining mother earth...yet so delicately expressed and beautifully penned...I tried reading your poem "winter"...nothing was on the page?

[MomzillaNC]

I know. I discovered that yesterday. There are two "Winter" posts. I tried to post it as an image I'd made of the PDF. I tried to post the PDF. But, this site automatically sizes images, holding them to a minimum. So, the image was too small. There's another, text-only post of "Winter." Try here: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/MomzillaNC/1411162/

[An owl on the moon]

So beautifully bittersweet... Earth's song sung with such sorrow... the flow and form are so softly breathed alive...

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you very much. I like the way you put that, "softly breathed alive… "

[Belle]

It is truly sad that we human cannot maintain
a harmonious relationship with the other members of nature...

[MomzillaNC]

Very sad, indeed. And sadder still that so many can still delude themselves and continue to believe we're not the cause of global climate change, refusing to adapt and try to make things better. We were put here to be stewards of creation. When we face the creator, some distant day, what account can we possible give of our stewardship?

[Rick Puetter]

Gaia indeed is swooning. Nature demands more respect. Will she get it? That is the question. No good track record so far.

Best regards, and thanks for reminding us that the "majestic dance" is on the brink of faltering.

Best regards,

Rick

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you.

[Sheila Kline]

A melancholy interlude of one who feels the pain of loss.......you paint a lonely picture!
Very nice!

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. It part of a poetry challenge to write ambiguous lines about climate change.

[Sheila Kline]

And that you have done with finesse..........good luck with the challenge!!

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. Actually, it was my challenge. My group, "Poetry Challenge" is supposed to use at least one of my lines and pen an ambiguous poem of their own on the themes of anti-pollution and/or global climate change: but they cannot use specific terms of the themes in their poem.

[MomzillaNC]

"Lost In Your Calidity" is my offering for the color challenge of that group.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

wonderful poem!
beautifully crafted.
loved it.
:)

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. When will your offering to my challenge be up?

[Pushkar Prabhat]

soon. i an currently trying to survive my mid-semester exams. but i am very excited about the group and challenges. it was very much needed.

[MomzillaNC]

I'm rather enjoying it myself. I really enjoyed the color challenge too.

[Frieda P]

A melancholy whirl upon the earth indeed, you've written it so eloquently.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. I hope I'll soon see your offering as you take up my poetry challenge…

[Frieda P]

This was a challenge?

[MomzillaNC]

Yes… you joined my group "Poetry Challenge." The challenge is posted in the group forum, with the rules. Someone else has already issued a second challenge too.

[Frieda P]

I did, haha, must need another cuppa coffee this morning!

[MomzillaNC]

Can get started without my vat-o-coffee every morning! :D

I've also answered the color challenge with "Lost In Your Calidty" Can you guess what color I've chosen?

[Frieda P]

It's still too early for hard questions, but I'm gonna guess RED :)

[MomzillaNC]

Good job! Spot on!