Through True Love's Eyes…

Through True Love’s Eyes

I’ve been through fire… left alone to dance…

Been pulled from the ash heap of romance…

At last set free in joy, a gift from above…

To share the soul mates’ journey of true love…

For him and me, a promise… not of ease,

But, we’ll not go alone through life’s unease.

And here you come, thinking that hope to dash,

But, I see true… your words are blackest ash…

With smiles struggling through my tears…

From new eyes I see your barren fears.

You dole out handfuls of mediocrity…

While true love is lost in your superiority.

Your every cause only kindling trauma…

Your Shanghaied pain is naught but drama…

You are nothing…raping stealing voices of pain

From some other heart’s regret. Your pleas I disdain.

by D. Denise Dianaty

Reviews

[PloughBoy]

I happen to like the title myself, just as it is, MomzillaNC. We all see love very differently, and no two people experience love in the exact same fashion. This is how you perceive love based upon your own personal experiences. I may see love veiled in graveyard dirt scattered upon a mourning lover's boudoir.

It's simply a matter of perception.

Your rhyming couplets flow quite nicely, and the wording is very eloquently written in most places.

I enjoyed reading this from your perspective.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you very much.

[PloughBoy]

The pleasure was all mine.:)

[MomzillaNC]

Isn't the English language amazing? So many ways to say so much… I believe it truly is the most evolved language of humankind.

[TheLostMind]

Wow.. quite powerful.. A fantastic piece. Really liked it.
One suggestion. I feel, the below-mentioned lines could be improved / changed. They don't fit in well with the other lines (which BTW are outstanding). This is my personal view (and yes, others might disagree).
"You dole out handfuls of mediocrity…
While true love is lost in your superiority."

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you.

While I appreciate your advice and input, those two lines are very important as they encapsulate that relationship in its entirety. Those two lines are that relationship and the reason it could never work.

[TheLostMind]

Ya. Makes sense. I was merely saying what I felt. :)

[MomzillaNC]

No worries. I really appreciate your input.

[MsJewel]

I prefer the second, as you carry the rhyme through. The half rhyme is fine - perfectly acceptable, although it does break up the flow and the flow other than that line is divine. I think your title is absolutely perfect for this poem.
:) Julie

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. I think I've about come to the same conclusion concerning the title. And, I am nearly convinced the second version is the right one too. Thank you for help and your kind words.

[Frieda P]

I can't help you with rhyme, not my forte, I prefer the first, the sentiment is much the same though, either works for me. For better or worse epitomized. I think the title is perfect for the spirit of this one.

[MomzillaNC]

I'm coming to the same conclusion about the title. And, I'm leaning toward the second version. The next to last couplet doesn't quite work in the first version; as it's the conviction before the dénouement, that couplet is the critical one.

[Frieda P]

I'm more about the sentiment and how it makes me feel, if I had read only the second one, it would have brought to the same rendering, the poet always knows best...

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. You're review is among the most helpful.

[Anne Goldmann]

I think your title suits what you have written. I think of "through true love's eyes" meaning that you are able to see this person's motives for what they are. I also think both versions have merit. Rhyme or no rhyme, the story comes through.

[MomzillaNC]

I think you're correct about the title. The more I look at it in connection to the lines of the poem the more it seems right.

I leaning toward the second version, I think.

[Anne Goldmann]

Keep leaning. Your intuition will serve you.

[MomzillaNC]

Thanks you.

[Botania]

NC. The first message of finding your true love is astounding! Congratulations. Why not let this stand on it's own?

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. They are the same poem, thematically. The second is tweaked for the rhyme and meter. I think the both say the same thing though. I think I will let the title stand. But, I will either use the second version (which I'm strongly leaning toward) or edit the next to last couplet to continue the rhyme; those are the problematic lines for the meter and rhyme. In either case, as I said, both version say the same thing.

[Botania]

Both versions are similar. I'm talking the first six lines! . ..The first message. I found myself wanting to know more about your love... and wondered about his attributes that attracted you and hold you bound to him...Tell more on this maybe. Expand on the first six lines, the simple message that you are incredibly fortunate. I personally like the first six lines of either version the best.

[MomzillaNC]

I have written more about my love -- my husband, in other poems, devoted entirely to the theme.
read moreI have written more about my love -- my husband, in other poems, devoted entirely to the theme.

This poem was about the relationship before that one, and the way it ended. The guy dumped me (and, I later found out, cheated), then came back in the throes of his drama, using the words of pain as if he'd wrenched them straight from my own heart. And I recognized that he could never share the depth of feeling that is true love; and, that he'd always made me feel small to make himself more important.

I always intended to keep those first six couplets; they show where the strength to finally break his cycle of emotional tyranny. I'm not sure I could expand those first six couplets, though, without diminishing that final point, but I will look again, and think about it. Thank you for your help.

[Jerouac]

Well done. I enjoyed it. It was good. How about Nothing more to gain for the end. Take it or leave we are still friends :) lol

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you.

I don't think I could use those lines. We were not still friends. Could not still be friends. This was closure; this was moving on.

[Jerouac]

No I got that. Should've been more specific, just meant to use ....Nothing more to gain.

[cellardork]

Personly, I enjoyed the version one of this poem, it makes the last two sentences more powerful. but at the same time I can understand why youd want to keep the flow like in the second version, its a smoother transition into the ending of the work. As far as a different turn of phrse goes I think that might be good thing to play around with. I often go through and tweak things. what exactly are you thinking? maybe we can build off of eachother, is there one of the two you prefer or do neither feel right?

[MomzillaNC]

Well, I'm leaning toward the second version. I rather like the "kindling trauma" phrase. I do try to mold my poetry to transition from point to point. Thanks for you help.

[Norman T]

Why the doubt regarding the title, MomzillaNC. It describes the tone and content of your poem. The stanza that you are worried about has a perfectly acceptable "half rhyme", but I agree that it is "the odd man out".
This is just a suggestion, but how about:

Your every cause is just bogus armour (armor)
Your Shanghaied pain is naught but drama.

The "bogus armour" could then represent arrogance, or a pun on love (amour).

I don't know whether this helps, but feel free to use it if you like it.
Norman


.

[MomzillaNC]

Something like that may work. I'll keep it in mind. Thank you so much.

[A. Amos]

Always remember my friend, when you create something from your mind...intrinsically its just like your baby. Not for a second doubt your own creation, no need to ask advice from anyone. The both versions are awesome!

[MomzillaNC]

Well, thank you very much for your kind words. But, do you find that one version works better than the other? Or, in that next to last stanza of the first version, can you suggest a better turn of phrase to fit the rhyme and meter?

[A. Amos]

Again it depends on you, as a reader I enjoyed both!

[MomzillaNC]

Thanks. :D