Mother Lost

An old poem from my undergrad days, of discovering buried memories in therapy – from a different time before my mother lost herself, abandoned by a patriarchy that understood nothing and cared even le

Mother Lost

In her young heart she loved

She wanted nothing more than to give love

She wanted children, a crowd about her

A song unique for each bright star

She loved her babies, sang her joy

Gently cuddled and held them safe

Three times with ease brought to life

Blest gifts, her fair headed delights

Then came the fourth, hard fought

Ripped from her body, at last

With all  her might, the last dram of heart

At last, brought through alive

Why to look upon that face

What darkness left behind

A burden, a sorrow, each shining bright face

Take and take and take and take

Nothing more she wants now, save death

Oh no, say the doctors, the nurses, the society

Lock her away till she learns to lock down her pain

Don’t guide her back through to the light

No more songs, joyless duty and burden are hers

Her anger, her blackened soul, 

Locked behind closed doors

It’s not our concern

Send her home to her babies

No matter their plight

by D. Denise Dianaty

Author's Note

I was in my early twenties at the time of this poem. Things were so bad after my mother went through PPD and then had a "nervous breakdown." They locked her up until she stopped talking about killing herself, then sent her home to her babies. It was so bad after that, that I suppressed memories of the mother she'd been before PPD -- that mother died, was lost forever then. She finally clawed her way out of madness, after a 12 year struggle, during which her babies were her victims, her accusers, her judges, and her jury, all convicting her and condemning her.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

oh my goodness ... your poem and note sucks the breath out of me ..i can not imagine what your family has gone through ..and your mom! .. to fight such a battle on her own! God bless you, Momzilla ...your mom and your sibs .. if there are grand babies ..i do hope your mom is able to be involved with them in health and grace ..wow! be well ... love and peace my friend
E.

[MomzillaNC]

She is involved but she’s never gotten back to that Mother Lost, and her relationships are strained and often still damaging to those around her.

[Einstein Noodle]

if all things are connected ... and i am convinced they are .. you can know that i feel a part of the weight that you (and yours) have carried .. and i think it is a blessing to walk a bit with you in this .. i just do not have the words MomZ! .. love and peace .. love and peace ..

[MomzillaNC]

:D :)

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

A hard hitting poem. Some women were not meant to be moms. it is sad ehen people don't care because it doesn't concern them

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. I don't know if she was "not meant" to be a mother. I know she was horribly different after my very sickly youngest sister was born. Postpartum psychosis just didn't get the proper attention back then. As far as that goes, postpartum depression was just dismissed as the "baby blues" and moms were expected to just power through it.

My mother was heard musing -- while looking out a top floor window in the naval hospital's OBGYN's waiting area -- about jumping to her death. They rushed her to the psych ward and kept her until she convinced them she wasn't going to kill herself, then sent her home to her four children, ages 6 1/2 to just weeks old (and very frail and sickly). No counseling. No one checking in on the new mother who spent 72 hours in a psych ward. All they did was bring her husband home from overseas whose infidelity confession letter pushed her already pretty severe postpartum depression over the brink to postpartum psychosis.

It took her around nine years to come back to some semblance of sanity -- but she was never that mom she'd been before that. She was never really "right" again and become more and more ideologically and religiously extreme over the rest of her life.

[therisa]

As someone, who has battled mental illness, for most of my life, I can relate, to your mother's struggle, Momzilla, but that doesn't excuse her, from hurting her children. Having a complete mental breakdown, 8 years ago, myself, after being rejected, by my own mom.

One day, I hope to reach, your level of healing, and move on, with my life. For now, I deal with it, as best as, I can. Thank you, for sharing, this part of your past, Momzilla.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you for reviewing. My mom and I have come to terms with that past. She's overcome most of her issues; she did it all on her own -- there simply was not the access to care for her that she might find today.

[therisa]

In many ways, access to care, is still pitiful, for anyone, who's in need. Am glad and grateful, you and your mom have reached an understanding, between yourselves.

[MomzillaNC]

T, trust me, the care you receive is miles away from then situation my mother struggled through. Twelve years she was lost in her madness, torturing her children. The same children she'd pined for and dreamed of since adolescence; she'd only ever wanted to be a wife and mother. See, she was born blind and had to be sent off to a school for the blind, away from her family; she gained her sight later. She grew up very disconnected from them. When she was home, she was the poor little blind girl whom they all coddled and cosseted -- but never connected on a fundamental level. She wanted that closeness of family for herself and her children. That might be the most tragic thing about my childhood… the poisoning of her dream.

[therisa]

Sadly, I didn't received the proper care, I needed, until years, after my mental breakdown, Momzilla. Even now, I still don't get the proper care, without having to fight for it.

[MomzillaNC]

My mom never received care. You keep fighting for your care.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this is intense and really sad....when a person dies in spirit, when a person dies in madness.

and we remember that person who was before...and wish her back, all the while knowing, she can't come back.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you so much for your perceptive review.

That's been the hardest thing about this. She was so very different, so loving and attentive before all the pain, that I actually blocked out those good memories for decades -- they were just too painful to recall in light of how bad things got. The thing that always hurts me most, though, is that my two sisters who were already born, when she had the last baby, were too young to retain any of those good memories; and the baby sister never knew that loving and attentive mother at all.

[Chris]

There really is nothing a person can do except try to help and deal as you can with mind issues...

[MomzillaNC]

IKWYM. Thanks.

[TheLostMind]

This is quite a write.. You have painted a picture with your words... A sad one, but beautiful nevertheless. Good job ..

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you.

[Lyn Anderson]

I can relate to this, unfortunately, with regard to my sister, who suffers from an unknown mental illness that we are unsure if it has or has not been diagnosed. At the time my mother and I took over her children, some of the damage had been done for sure. We have raised them since 2007, as a family, including her ex husband and the children's father. The frustrating part I get is the authorities, not treating the mentally ill due to a broken system that puts patient's right to refuse treatment above all else. From a legal perspective, the system just kind of waited till the kids were old enough to choose, custody was never revoked despite years of legal bills.

[MomzillaNC]

The problem is that most of the rule makers are men.

[Lyn Anderson]

I hope my nieces someday come to terms with their mom. At the moment the two estranged ones are the ones who are doing better.

[MomzillaNC]

It's taken a long time, but I've come to terms with my mom. We have a functioning relationship. Distance helps. And, she's fumbled her way through while studying psychology for her rehab education degree (she went back to school and became a rehab teacher after I was grown).

[Pryde Foltz]

Post pardum is awful … all these memories from the past surface, the lack of sleep, and the anxiety for your new one. I could not image 12 years of it. It is a very badly understood affliction. Thank you for this personal write of awareness.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. I'm honored you sought this one out and found wisdom in my meager words. As poorly understood as PPD is, PPP is even less understood. My mom had PPD with bouts of PPP. Those bouts of PPP is when her children became her enemies.

[Pryde Foltz]

Wow … the human mind is complicated. I am sorry for what you endured.

[MomzillaNC]

Thanks. But, I'm not sorry. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change anything; everything that happened made the person I am, gave me this "now." I'd suffer every indignity, every torment again not to miss out on my "now."

[Pryde Foltz]

Wise words, MamaDi.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you.

[Unknown]

Facing madness (either emotional or psychological) is something no one should ever experience... I had quite a deal with psychiatric conditions, so I understand both of your views. Yours and your mother's. It brings up sadness, for such things shouldn't exist.

The only way to face the monsters is to give in... Understand them. Only then you can go on and be free... if you're lucky enough.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you. And, from this place of safety and love and blessings, I've been able to come to my mother more with understanding than conviction.

[Unknown]

As you should... :)
I wish you strength and courage! :)

[MomzillaNC]

And blessings upon you.

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

I think its beautiful and more so that it came from the emotions of a real experience is just
breath-taking.

[MomzillaNC]

It's not as old as "Monster Mother," but was written in a time when I was learning to overcome that past. I'd suppressed the memory of that kinder mother because the tragedy of the twisted being she'd become made those gentle memories to painful to bear. I guess I learned that I need to mourn the loss of that mother to let go of the "Monster Mother" and to reconcile the person she poured into a saner mold. I think this poem was letting go of the "Mother Lost" and to forgive the "Mother Monster" so I could have the only mother that remained.

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

I'm happy for you. Keep up the good work.

[MomzillaNC]

I hope my "success" (Can I really call it that? It's a journey into the light) inspires and gives hope to others that they too may find their way to a reconciled life.

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

Thats really sweet of you. You should really check out my latest poem believer. i think you might like it.