The Gavalskavich Fortune

(Rough draft) The script of a short play, In which the main character discovers the true nature of her families wealth in the midst of her absentee father's funeral (Humorous)

Scene 1

Setting: Kat Gavalskavich’s Manhattan loft. January 21^st 2012

Kat: The morning of January 21^st 2012 was a Thursday, I was perusing the want adds of my local paper, as I have been for the past twelve months, while drinking my off brand instant coffee -36 cents a cup- When I received a call from my estranged loser brother.

(Phone rings)

Kat:   (answers phone) I don’t know what you want Ivan but I don’t have money to lend  . . . oh . . . I’ll see you Saturday.

Kat:   He had informed me that my father passed away from a heart attack last night.  I wasn’t at all surprised, given the lifestyle that he led. My father had money, and he always wanted everyone in the room to know it- although, he neglected to share his fortune with his kids.  He threw us out when we were eighteen, and we had to make it on our own. Character building, called it. That philosophy never would have flown when my mother was alive. Dad got remarried shortly after mom died. However, he claimed it was just a slight misunderstanding, it was a blurry night in Vegas, and Candi was your typical blonde bimbo. Although they were married just short of three months, Candi would occasionally surface in our lives, which made it awkward when dad decided to move on to wife number three. Dad was very fond of Meredith, despite being thirty years her senior, which placed her just a year younger than me . . . EW, just EW. Meredith liked money, more specifically she liked men with money. Obviously I wasn’t thrilled about this impromptu family reunion, having spent so many years trying to avoid them.

Scene 2

Setting: The lot behind Baltimore Funeral Home, Buffalo NY.  Saturday, January 23^rd 10:00 am.

Chase: Boys, she knows too much.  Now that Jasper’s not here to keep her in line who knows what she’d say.  We have to take her out.

Jove: Ok boss. Wow, it feels funny calling you boss.

Chase: Get used to it.  Now with the big guy gone, things are going to change.

Jove: Gotcha “Boss” ha-ha.  We could find out if she has any deadly allergies like peanuts or seafood.  There’s a seafood joint two blocks down and we could make her a “special sandwich”.

Maxwell: No, Jove, we could polish the floors and call her in.  She would slip and hit her head.  It’s foolproof.

Jove: No, Dude!  We should get a tiger and a leaf blower . . .

Chase: NO!  Shut up Stupids.  Here’s a gun.  Take her out before 3:00. Don’t make it too messy, and don’t be seen.

EXIT CHASE

Maxwell: Hey Jove, What do you think this thing on the end is?

Jove: Bro, that’s a silencer.  Haven’t you ever watched CSI?

 

Scene 3

Setting: Baltimore Funeral Home, 12:00 pm

Kat: Baltimore Funeral Home, 12:00 pm. well, here goes.  I get to be reunited with my beloved family…

KAT WALKS INTO FUNERAL HOME

Cassidy: Oh look, Daddy’s favorite, fashionably late as always.

Kat: Nice to see you too Cassidy . . . And You know Dad didn’t care enough to pick favorites.

Meredith: Hi Sweetie, It’s so nice to see you.

Kat: Hello Meredith.  Looking glamorous as ever.

MEREDITH WALKS AWAY

IVAN HUGS KAT

Ivan: (whispers in Kat’s ear) Can you believe that’s the broad Dad left his fortune to?

ENTER GRAMS

Grams: (smacks Ivan) Kat, It’s so nice to see you.  You don’t look a day over 40

Kat: That’s good Grams, ‘cause I’m only 32.

Grams: Oh sure ya' are.  

Cassidy: So Kat you’re looking thin.  A bit scrawny even.  How’s the big job going?

Grams: Look over there, (pointing overtly towards Chase) look at that gorgeous hunk of man.  Kat, you should go talk to him.  Your not getting any younger ya' know.

BACKROUND FREEZES

Kat: It was my own father’s funeral and look who has the nerve to show up.  Chase Vladimir Nogoodskavich.  Granted, that’s not his actual last name, but it sure is fitting.  My father introduced us after high school.  Chase worked for my father and I fell hard for him.  We dated for about five years.  I thought he was the one, and to my knowledge the feeling was mutual . . . until I came home and found him in bed with the next best thing, Michelle Duvall.  She was tall and fair and had blood red lips.  So I turned and walked out the door  That was the last time I saw Chase Nogoodskavich . . . until now.  

RETURN TO SCENE

(Chase begins to walk toward Kat, with Michelle hanging on his arm)

Chase:    it's so nice to see you, you’re looking well.

Michelle: oh! I forgot all about you, Kate!  Chase, when did we see her last? Oh, honey, now I remember. . . funny how those things come back to you.

Kat:      Mildred! What a pleasure! Why I never would have recognized you without your legs in the air!

Chase:    so Kat, is your advertising business still going strong?

Michelle: Oh what a tough industry! I heard your company had to “trim the fat” a bit. Oh well, good for us, only the best survive.

Scene 4

Setting: Baltimore Funeral Home, 2:00 

WHISPERS

 

ENTER KAT

Kat:      Hey Grams, what are we talking about?

Grams:    How your old man got all that money!

Cecil:    Yeah, Kat, what did you hear around the house growing up?

Kat:      Dad never talked much talked much about work, I never really asked.

Cecil:    y’know, my brother once told me he hit it big on the stock market, but I have another theory, I think he stole it.

Ivan:     I don’t care how he got the money, but I deserve a share. You’d think he’d care more about his own children than his current mid-life crisis wife. He always said it built character, well I have so much character it’s coming out ears.

Grams:    Shut up Ivan, everyone knows you’re gambling your life away at the horse track. Y’know, I know how he really made his fortune. I’m not supposed to know this, but he’s in big with the blob. 

Cecil:    The blob?

ENTER CANDI

Grams:    Oh, look who found us. 

Candi:    My family! I’ve missed you all! Kat, Ivan, you’ve grown up so much! You know, your father and I were very in love. (Sobbing) He cared about me so much, I’ll never find anyone quite like him. Even though he blocked my number . . . 

Kat:      Oh Candi, have you met Meredith?

Candi:    What? (twitches) who’s Meredith?

ENTER MEREDITH

Meredith: Oh so you’re Candi! You’re the big mistake my husband spoke of, you’re a bit old for an exotic dancer . . .

CANDI TACKLES Meredith to the ground and gives her a bloody nose.  Chase and Cecil pull Candi off of meredith and escort her out of the funeral home.  Meridith stands up, straightenes her skirt and rushes off to the ladies room.

Scene 5

    Setting: Jove and Maxwell standing outside the ladies room at the        funeral

    

Maxwell: Bro I am not going in there, that’s the women’s restroom.

Jove:    Well I can’t go in, I’m standing guard.

Maxwell: I can’t believe I’m doing this, it’s an invasion of privacy! Its just SO wrong!

Jove: You’re going in there to whack somebody and you’re worried

         about invading her privacy? Get in there!

Scene 6

Setting: 3:30, the service, Cecil, Ivan, Cassidy, and Kat are sitting quietly in the folding chairs beyond the podium.

Cassidy: Hey, Uncle Cecil, where’s Grams?

Cecil:   I don’t know where she wandered off to, she’s been gone for a              awhile

Ivan:    I think she went to the bathroom

Minister: Alright, if everyone would take their seats, I would like to say a few words about Jasper Gavalskavich, he was a Father, a husband . . . 

GLANCES AT THE EMPTY CHAIR RESERVED FOR MEREDITH

Minister: Jasper loved life, but sometimes we have to let go . . .

ENTER GRAMS

Grams:     Um, there’s a dead bimbo in the women’s restroom, someone should clean that up.

(GRAMS CALMLY TAKES HER SEAT AND STARTS FUMBLING THROUGH HER PRAYER BOOK)

Scene 7

Setting:   Police arrive on the scene, they hold everyone in the main room

Officer #1: Alright, nobody in, nobody out. The sooner someone talks, the sooner you all can go home.

Officer #2: When was the last time Meredith was seen alive?

Cecil:     She was greeting people when she got into a scuffle with a guest, what was her name  . . . Candi, Candi gave her a bloody nose, Meredith rushed off to the bathroom and we hadn’t seen her since. If I had to take a stab at it, I’d say it was Candi, she seemed to have a screw lose . . . can I leave? 

Officer #2: no, sit back down. Anyone else have any information?

Cassidy:   I bet Kat did it, she never could stand being second in daddy’s life.

Ivan:      Oh shut it Cassidy, you wanted the inheritance more than any of us, you killed her yourself for all we know!

Cassidy:   You’re one to talk Ivan! Needed to pay off a few debts, huh?

Kat:       Guys, calm down. This wont get us anywhere.  Lets not blame anyone without good cause.

Michelle:  Oh sure, lets not blame each-other, We all know you got laid off Kat, I’m sure you would love not to have your expensive loft foreclosed on. You have the strongest motive of any of us!

Grams:     I’m telling you guys, it’s the Swab, I told you he was involved with the Swab!

Officer #2: What was that miss?

Chase:     Oh don’t mind her officer, she’s a bit confused in her old age. 

Grams:    (YELLING) I’m not senile! Maybe he killed her, and Jasper! And their little dog too!

BACKGROUND FREEZES

Kat:      4:47, currently being held at the funeral. Y’know, I knew I was dreading this for a reason. I new Cassidy had it out for me, but I didn’t know she wanted her own sister behind bars. I expected it to be bad, but I never expected anyone to die, maybe of boredom, but not literally. I’m considering buying a mussel for Grams . . . that could work. 

BACKGROUND UNFREEZES

SILENCE

Officer #1: You guys are going to be here all night at this rate, someone better start making some sense.

Officer #2: What about you two? (Gesturing to Jove and Maxwell trying to go unnoticed) You’re the bathroom attendants? Right? You must have seen something.

Jove:      Er, uh, no sir. We didn’t see nothin’ or hear nothin’. Whoever did it must have been real quiet about it.

Maxwell:   Yeah, they must have used one of ‘em silencers you see on CSI.

COPS INSTANTLY MOVE OVER TO JOVE AND MAXWELL AND HANDCUFF THEM

Maxwell: ‘ay, sir, what’s the meaning of this?

Jove:     Yeah, we didn’t do nothing, Officer!

Officer:  Boys, we never said how Mrs. Gavalskavich was killed. 

CHASE STARTS TO GET ANXIOUS (TAPPING FOOT, LOOKING AT HIS WATCH, ECT.)

Chase:     Officer, I’ve got a meeting in fifteen minutes across town, it looks as if these two scoundrels hurt that poor girl. I really can’t be late to this meeting, it’s with some very important people.

Jove:      No ya’ don’t boss, what are you talking about?

Maxwell:   Yeah boss, I take care o’yer schedule and it don’t say nothing about a meeting.

Officers Hold Chase down and Handcuff him

Chase:     You can’t believe what they’re saying, really officers, just look at them, they’re a couple of imbeciles!

JOVE AND MAXWELL GET SAD LOOKS AND TEARS SWELL IN JOVE EYES

Jove:      Whoa boss, I didn’t know you though of us that way . . .

Maxwell:   Yeah, I thought we were your right hand men, your best guys.

Chase:     Officer, I’m begging you please, you’ve got to believe me!

Michelle:  Chase, why didn’t you tell me you were gonna have her whacked, I could’a helped, and then we could have done away with that trashy ex of yours too!

Officer #2: alright, everyone else, clear out. You’re all free to go.

Grams:     No way bub, I wana see this.

EVERYONE CLEARS OUT APART FROM GRAMS, AND KAT WHO IS TRYING TO PULL HER OUT

Officer #1: So why’d you do it?

Jove:       She knew too much officer . . . 

Grams:      OH! “Mob”  . . . with an “M” . . . (GIGGLES TO HERSELF AND WALKS OUT PULLING KAT ALONG WITH HER) ha-ha  . . . Mob, I new it was something like that . . . 

THE END

Author's Note

Ignore grammatical errors