ELIJAH

(Lights up in a dim, under populated barroom. ZACH, a scruffy young man, is sitting at the bar, across from JESS, the bartender).

ZACH: December’s my month. Cool mint wind, menorahs in the windows, false festivity. Peppermint schnapps. I’d like a glass of that.

JESS: What’s the occasion?

ZACH: Do I need an occasion? I drink whenever something good happens to me and whenever something bad happens to someone else.

JESS: Coming right up. (JESS turns her back to ZACH and begins to fix the drink).

ZACH: What the hell kinda music is this?

JESS: Holiday music.

ZACH: Do you like this s**t?

JESS: I… I think it’s all right. It’s kind of romantic.

ZACH: I asked you if you liked it.

JESS: Yes, I guess I like it.

ZACH: Would you make love to this music?

JESS: Excuse me?

ZACH: I asked, “Would you make love to this music?”

JESS: Well, maybe. (She turns around and sets the drink on the bar). Would you?

ZACH: Never. I never have sex to music. I don’t see why couples couple sex and music. It’s disgusting.

JESS: Why?

ZACH: It’s like, it degrades the music, if the music is good. If the music is bad, it degrades the sex.

JESS: I see.

ZACH: It’s like, you don’t mix your milk with your meat.

JESS: What?

ZACH: I’m talking keeping kosher. You keep kosher?

JESS: No.

ZACH: You even Jewish?

JESS: My mother’s Jewish.

ZACH You even go to Hebrew School?

JESS: Yeah, I did. But not since, like, seventh grade.

ZACH: You religious?

JESS: Not really. I mean, I light candles sometimes. But I also, like, believe in evolution.

ZACH: I don’t.

JESS: What? Believe in evolution?

ZACH: Nope.

JESS: Then, what do you believe in? Creationism?

ZACH: Yeah, I got a theory about all that. I don’t think God finished.

JESS: Sorry?

ZACH: God didn’t finish. I mean he couldn’t have. Imagine you’re God and you got seven days to make a world. You gotta make the light the dark the fish the birds, insects on four legs, insects on eight legs, the ground. You gotta make good people, bad people, rich people, poor people, sick people, old people, neurotics and narcoleptics. You gotta make peppermint schnapps. (He downs the glass in a single gulp). You gotta make bartenders and bargoers and rip-off prices for liquor. You gotta make flowers and rain that sustains them and a different kind of rain to drown them. Then you gotta make snow to bury them. And then sun to melt the snow, and sun to feed the plants. And vegetarians. You gotta make vegetarians. And above alla that, you gotta make the sky.

JESS: Um.

(TORI, a college freshman, enters and sits down at the bar, two seats away from ZACH).

ZACH: You gotta make the sky.

TORI: Make the sky?

ZACH: Yeah.  We’re playing hypothetical. She’s gotta make the sky.

JESS: (To TORI) Can I get you anything?

TORI: I’d love a cup of coffee.

ZACH: Coffee?

JESS: I’m sorry, we don’t serve coffee. Can I get you anything else?

ZACH: I’ll tell you what you can get us. I’ll have a glass of sky, spiked with rum. She’ll have a glass of fruity schnapps. (To TORI) You wanna order coffee at a bar?

TORI: I-

ZACH: What are you sixteen?

TORI: Eighteen.

ZACH: I love it.

TORI: Hmmm?

ZACH: I love the way adventure comes to me and I get to pretend I’m not looking for it.

TORI: Adventure?

ZACH Yeah, you. Anyway, I was telling Jess over here how God didn’t finish on time with creation.  Because, see, deadlines.

TORI: What do you mean?

ZACH: I mean, you got so much s**t you gotta make and only seven days to do it, either the s**t you make is s**t or else s**t doesn’t get made.

TORI: Mmmm. That sort of makes sense.

ZACH: So what I’m saying is, evolution couldn’t have happened because people don’t get more evolved over time. You follow?

TORI: You lost me there.

ZACH: Forget it. (JESS turns around and places two glasses on the bar. The liquid in one of them is blue. ZACH takes a sip). Mmmm… that’s good. Sublime. You wanna sip?

TORI: Okay. (They trade glasses). I’m Tori, by the way.

ZACH: Zach.

TORI: So what do you do?

ZACH: For work? I’m an Intellectual.

TORI: Oh. Well, what do you think?

ZACH: About what?

TORI: About anything. You said you’re an Intellectual.

ZACH: I am.  I think… I think a lot about Israel. I’m a Zionist.

TORI: A scientist?

ZACH: Zionist. But I do like science.

TORI: Me, too. I’m actually majoring in philosophy of science.

ZACH: Where?

TORI: Barnard.

ZACH: Mmm.

TORI: Really, what do you do for work?

ZACH: I, uh. I teach Hebrew School.

TORI: But you like science.

ZACH: Some of it.

TORI: I have some questions. Maybe you can help me.

ZACH: Shoot.

TORI: Can a universe be infinite and still have a shape?

ZACH: Can a set of numbers go on forever and still follow a pattern?

TORI: Yes.

ZACH: There you go. Next?

TORI: How can time be a line if space is a sphere?

ZACH: Time is relative.

TORI: What about morals?

ZACH Morals are not.

TORI: How do you know?

ZACH: Because, Yom Kippur. How’s God gonna judge us if he doesn’t know what’s good and what’s bad? How’s he gonna write our good deeds in one book and our bad deeds in another book if the books look the same? 

TORI: I don’t know if I’d take all that so literally.

ZACH: Well, what do you know anyway? You were gonna order coffee at a bar.

JESS: She’s on my side. And I bet she believes in evolution, too.

ZACH: Do you?

JESS: She does.

ZACH: Yeah because it’s so much more likely that something banged and then time and space just existed out of nowhere but no one had to make them.

JESS: (To TORI) Do you?

TORI: Believe in evolution? Yeah. I mean-

ZACH: She’s eighteen. She’s barely old enough to vote. How’s she gonna decide who runs the universe when it’s hard enough to decide who runs the country?

TORI: I definitely believe in evolution. And the Big Bang. And everything.

ZACH: Do you at least believe in Moshiach? Tell me you believe in Moshiach.

TORI: In who?

ZACH: In Moshiach. The Jewish Messiah.

TORI: How am I supposed to believe in someone I’ve never met?

ZACH: But that’s the point. He’s not supposed to come until things are either really good here or really bad here.

TORI: Why would he come if things are really good?

ZACH: Dunno. But he’s s’posed to come.

TORI: How will we know if he does?

ZACH: Well, this guy, this prophet, Elijah, is gonna announce him.

TORI: Like an escort?

ZACH: Like an escort. Don’t ya know about Elijah? You celebrate Passover?

TORI: No.

ZACH: On Passover, everybody drinks four cups of wine, except Elijah who just drinks one, because he goes from house to house all night, and he gets a cup at every house. (To JESS) Pour some wine in a cup.

JESS: You know you’ll have to pay for it.

ZACH: Fine, fine. Just pour the wine. (JESS pours a glass of wine into a cup and sets it down on the bar between TORI and ZACH). There.  So there’s this glass of wine on the table that nobody drinks, and the point is, after we open the door for Elijah, we watch the meniscus drop. There’s always less wine in the cup at the end of the Seder than at the beginning.

TORI: Because-

ZACH: Because Elijah. 

TORI: He needs you to open the door for him?

ZACH: Yeah. Don’t ask why; I dunno. But someone’s supposed to walk to the door- Jess, you do it for demonstration. And the person walks to the door and when she opens it- (As ZACH speaks, JESS walks to the door and opens it. In storms ELIJAH from the cold).

ELIJAH: Thanks. I usually only get this kind of treatment in the spring. (ELIJAH crosses to the bar and sits down between ZACH and TORI. JESS crosses back behind the bar). And the wine and everything? Man, you people are good. (ELIJAH picks up the wine and begins to sip it).

ZACH: Don’t drink that.

ELIJAH: Why? Is it poison?

TORI: It’s… it’s for some else. We were saving it.

ELIJAH: Oh. Forgive me. I just thought… since custom has it… you opened the door…

ZACH: Never mind. Don’t worry about it.

JESS: Yeah, no one was drinking it anyway.

TORI: What’s your name? I’m Tori.

ELIJAH: I go by Eli.

ZACH: I’m Zach.

ELIJAH: (To JESS) And you?

JESS: Jess.

ZACH: Eli, maybe you can help even the score, here. These two (he indicates TORI and JESS) don’t believe in creation. They believe in evolution and in Bangs that are Big. I, on the other hand-

ELIJAH: Look, I’d love to help you. But I actually came here to announce-

ZACH: You can’t just walk in on a party of people and expect to dominate the conversation! That’s not how it works, buddy. Eli. Now, if you’ll listen-

JESS: Forgive him. He’s had a bit too much of the sky and peppermint schnapps.

ELIJAH: Understood. But I should tell you there’s someone outside.

JESS: It’s probably the health inspector. He’s overdue for a visit.

ELIJAH: No, that’s not-

JESS: No, it’s fine. I just won’t let him in, that’s all. I’ll just lock the door. Excuse me.(JESS crosses to the door, locks it, and crosses back behind the bar). Now, you were saying?

ELIJAH: I… can I have some more wine please?

ZACH: I’m not paying for it.

ELIJAH: Sir, I didn’t expect you to.

(As JESS refills ELIJAH’s wine glass, there is knocking at the door).

JESS: They’re persistent, those inspectors. (Calling out in the direction of the door)Go home! Everything’s clean! (To TORI, ZACH, and ELIJAH) Those inspectors are so judgmental. (ELIJAH collapses his head into his hands).

ZACH: (To TORI) What’sa matter? You don’t like the schnapps?

TORI: No, it’s good. But I should actually head home. I have an exam on Monday…

ZACH: Yeah, well. It was nice to meet you. Sort of.

JESS: You aren’t going anywhere.

TORI: What?

JESS: I mean you can’t go because you can’t go without opening that door.

TORI: So?

JESS: So that’s my future out there! That’s the man who’s going to come in here and judge me on Judgment Day and Judgment Day is now! I’m not ready! Give me ten minutes. (She turns around and begins to clean, furiously).

ZACH: (Whispering) Make a run for it. (TORI tiptoes across the room, towards the door. She makes it about halfway before JESS wheels around and catches her. Madness flashes in her eyes).

JESS: So, you’re going to sacrifice me to the health inspector, are you?

TORI: I-

JESS: You couldn’t wait ten minutes?

TORI: I can wait.

JESS: Good. You both can consider yourselves hostages.

ZACH: Consider our selves what?

JESS: Hostages. You can do anything but leave. Turn off the music if you like! Or put on something else! Something more tasteful, like Joni Mitchell. Or something less tasteful but more popular like Young Jeezy. Drinks are free! Drink all you like! I’ll serve schnapps and the sky and all four oceans! I’ll even serve coffee!

ELIJAH: I think there’s been a misunderstanding.

JESS: You aren’t leaving either! And why are you all just sitting there? There’s work to be done! Come help me clean.

TORI: (To ZACH): We can help her clean for ten minutes.

ZACH: Fine. Just turn off the music. (JESS flips a switch and the music stops. ZACH, TORI, and ELIJAH cross somewhat reluctantly to the other side of the bar. They begin to clean halfheartedly. The silence is uneasy. It is an awkward beat, filled with the tension that inevitably arises when sane and insane people share a small space).

JESS: There. That looks better. Let in the inspector. (To ELIJAH) You do it.

ELIJAH: You should really know-

JESS: Don’t dally! You don’t keep a health inspector waiting!

ELIJAH: He’s the Mess-

JESS: Whatever. I’ll do it myself. (She crosses to the door and opens it. There is no one there). Hello? Hello? Mister?

END OF PLAY