If I'm honest

If I'm honest....and i hardly ever am...

I can't depend on you. I never know what or who I'm going to get, that is if I get anyone at all.

You don't seem to see the urgency of this situation. That life is happening now. This is it.

Once again you have chosen to take the easy way out. Ignorance, bliss, selfishness. Lucky you.

Here I sit. Weighing every single choice. Paralyzed. Waiting for you to step it up.

Waiting for you is what got me here. Always waiting. Waiting because you think time

will work it all out for you. Life will just fall into your hands because never have you been wrong.

What you don't know is I'm one step away from letting time work it out for you. Because all time is 

going to do for you is put miles and miles between us. Time can't fix your failure to step up. Time can't make up

for all the time you wasted. Time is the enemy. 

Where are you tonight? What is it that keeps your attention?

It's not me. 

Do you not wonder about my days? My dreams? My fears? What keeps me awake at night?

No you must not. 

One day will you look back and wonder if you could have done more or will I just be another name on a long list of what ifs?

Unfortunately I have more to loose in this game. My life and future is on the line. My well being and heart and soul is hanging by a thread.

You have nothing more to loose and my what a dangerous place for me to hang my hat and life on. 

I left to shock you. Put it into perspective of what life would look like without me. But the shock factor is wearing off and reality is sinking in.

Your days are just the same. Your give a damn about the same. 

And me even more broken and delicate than ever. I can't think. I can't care. I'm paralyzed with pain and fear. Never has my heart been broken like this.

My soul is cut deep down to its core. The more I reach out for love the more it is damaged. 

But who is to blame?

Only myself. 

Poor, poor me asked for it. Begged for it. Gave up everything for it. And somehow would give up even more for it. If I'm honest.

Because tomorrow you will call and make it all seem better. 

Because tonight you have no need for me but tomorrow you might.

Who allows this to continue. What type of sick, defeated women allows herself to be treated in such a manner? A desperate and broken one. 

A women trapped by time and circumstance. Me. I allow this. 

And every morning I awake to the truth and every night I sleep with it. That I am not a victim. I fully engage in this damage I am doing to myself.

Waiting on someone else to make me happy. What a sickness that is. 

Dependency comes in all shapes and sizes. 

And tonight won't be the last. I'm being honest why lie now.

Why quit when the bottles half empty?

There is still plenty of more time to wait. I have years more to waste. Right?