The Land Of Frost (Preview)

A young boy and his friend decides to get a game that will decide their fate in this new world. The game is know as Land Of Frost and as the two boys have to fight their way through many challenges.

CHAPTER 1

A New Beginning

 

Our story begins where we meet our two young boys at the age of 14 and 13. These two young boys were the best of friends and nobody could ever separate their true friendship. Their names were Darien and Tyler and they have been friends ever since they met 10 years ago. Tyler was the hero of this friendship as you would call it because he would always step up for the kids who could not fend for themselves. Tyler was also a fighter. He took many martial arts classes as a young kid and he mastered them all except for one. Xing Qi which was very difficult for him, but for Darien that was a different story. Darien at the age of 10 started to take Xing Qi and the way he got most of the technique's down was most amazing. Now Tyler and Darien stand side by side fighting off bullies who like to pick on their friends. When school finished a new game came out known as the Land of Frost. It was like this new MMO/RPG game that looked pretty fun so Tyler and Darien both got the game and went down to their homes. "Hey dude I can not wait to play this epic game." Darien said as Tyler just nodded his head as if he knew he would be better. Tyler realized something and said " Hey Darien do you think their will be good fighters on this game?" Darien did not reply but instead they both stopped to look at the sun slowly going down and as it reflected across the pond the light and cloud were filled with colorful beauty. Tyler and Darien stood in amazement and when the sun finally came down they ran their separate ways to get home. Somehow they both put their games in at the same time and then that is where they realized their most horrible mistake which was buying this new game.

 

CHAPTER 2

Isle of Darkness Part 1

 

Tyler and Darien as soon as the game was put in and started playing they were pulled into the augmented reality of Land of Frost, and they yet to realize what challenges await them. Tyler looks at Darien and he says "Where are we dude because I know I was just inside my room a couple of seconds ago." Darien tells Tyler "I think it could be a very slight possibility we may be in the game." "WHAT!" said Tyler in a very shocked attitude. They both start to get off from the grass and take a look around to see if maybe their is a town or village near by, but instead their is this chest and inside the chest was two notebooks stating "Welcome, this is the Land of Frost a MMO/RPG game that was just developed recently. Right now you are probably asking yourself how did you get into the game instead of just of playing it on your console or PC. Well thanks to new technology we were able to bring players into the game themselves. They are placed randomly along this whole game. In the chest you should find your gear that was suited for you. We hope you enjoy the game and Good Luck! Sonic Blast Entertainments." We look inside the chest to find our gear and unsuspectingly we find fighting outfits. Each was designed differently to suit our many techniques. We kept looking and found a map of all Land of Frost areas and the closest one to us was the Isle of Darkness.

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is just a preview of my story and I want it to turn out good so I really do hope you like it.

Reviews

[louie112233]

it looks nice im also working on a story too

[Rose of Gondor]

I'm not sure if you want me to go full out critic on you or what, but since you said you'd like to know how to make it better, I'm gonna go full out critic. Please don't chuck something at my head :)

First of all: I really like the premise of this story. I'm a sucker for "sucked into video game" books. I love those. I am, however, interested to see you develop the plot further (the summary up top intrigued me. There are a million questions I could ask, but you could just write it, so I'm not going to :D) so definitely please take this story beyond the preview!

That being said, there are a few problems you might want to smooth out. The length of the chapters are fine if you're just writing this for your own entertainment, but if you plan on publishing it one day, you might have to lengthen them out considerably. You can do this by adding a lot more detail and describing things (I would recommend this even if you don't want to lengthen out your chapters). If these are the entireties of Chapters 1 and 2, then I have read through both without knowing what Tyler and Darien, our main characters, look like. All I know is that they're 14 and 13 and that's not enough information to go on. What does the Land of Frost look like? All I got was that there was a chest there. Description is a good thing, it helps your reader familiarize themselves with your characters and your worlds. Try imagining chapters 1 and 2 in your head like it's a movie. Pause that movie every few minutes and ask yourself "what did I just see?" and try to put that into words.

Show, not tell. Every single language arts teacher you'll ever have will tell you that, from third grade all the way up till high school. And they tell it for a reason! It's not interesting enough if a reader is being "told" what's happening. They have to feel it themselves, and see it with their own eyes. Instead of telling someone "she is angry" perhaps you can show them that she is angry through her actions, her words, or her inner turmoil. That being said, instead of telling us that Tyler is the hero of the friendship (which, by the way, sorry to say, didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Maybe what you were trying to say was that Tyler is the more heroic of the two?), why not show us instead? Instead of telling us that Tyler and Darien are the bestest (lol is that even a word?) of friends, why not "show" that they are instead? Have the characters interact in a way that we know they're friends. Interaction with other characters can also help us understand what kind of person your characters are, so that's a bonus.

Paragraph breaks: even I'm using them (I hope...the formatting right now as I'm typing has breaks, I'm not sure what'll happen to it once I post this review...). They're helpful to sort out your cluttered text. Group sentences of relevance together as a paragraph, and start a new paragraph everything a new character says something. Remember to indent you paragraphs! Don't force your readers to go through gigantic columns of text. They may get bored.

I really like the cliffhangers you leave both in chapter 1 and chapter 2. They encourage the reader to read further.

A few plot points in Chapter 1 I feel like I have to question: I highly doubt that one single person, a kid no less, can master so much martial arts in such little amount of time. Generally, martial arts takes years and years and years to master. I also find it odd that that single person knows all other martial arts but not that ONE single class/style that he seems to have trouble with. I also find it odd that a school would make a video game. I mean, isn't the whole purpose of school to learn and not to play? Also: something that really confused me. Tyler and Darien were interacting. They were talking about the game. And then suddenly the dialogue is cut off and they just look at the sunset. What? Didn't Tyler just ask Darien a question? There's absolutely no resolution to that conversation and it just cuts off and they just run off. And very magically and coincidentally, Tyler and Darien put their discs in at the same time (sorry. I think you can tell I'm not one for coincidences. To me they're weak plot points, but if your story needs that to work, go for it.)

So Tyler and Darien are then sucked into the Land of Frost. How did that happen? Again, show, not tell. You told us they were sucked in. How were they sucked in? Did the TV just eat them? Did something from the game reach out and grab them? Was there a swirling pink vortex that they had to step through? How did they get there, and upon getting there, how are they completely unfazed by however method they used to get there? I mean, being yanked from your living room (or wherever they play video games) and then dumped unceremoniously in the wild must have some side effects?

Also: if they had no idea about the game before, how on earth does Darien know they're in the game? Wouldn't they get a little confused for a while, at least until they see the chest with the notebooks? Also: why is it notebooks? If they're in a game, can't it be just some omnificent voiceover? Why set up the notebooks inside the chest? I'm not gonna question your artistic choices, but I'm just curious :
Again, tips for the 2nd chapter: SHOW INSTEAD OF TELL! That's the most important thing I feel like you need to apply to this, not only to these two chapters, but your entire story, and all the stories you will ever write. Also: describe everything you can! Don't go overboard and describe every single crack on the chest or every single hair on Tyler's head, but describe, and make your story detailed.

A few Grammatical problems I picked out: You kept switching between past and present tense. That's a no-no. Try going back through the text and either making it all present or all past tense (I would recommend past tense. It is easier to write.) Also: You kept using "their" when you were trying to write "there" not sure if that's a typo or what...

On that note, I also found you switching between POVs (point of views, in case you were wondering :D). Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 were mostly in third person. And then there was that sudden final line of Chapter 2 that was entirely first person. What? Don't switch between point of views. It doesn't work. Pick one, third or first. You can cover everything with third person, while you can choose one of your character's eyes to write through with first person. You pick. :D

Well, I think that covered most of it (oh god....I'm such a critic XD) So sorry if I made you feel like you needed to chuck something at my head, you did say you wanted to improve it so....yeahh...I think this story is good and has awesome potential, and I would definitely read it if there's any more. Don't take anything I say personally because I'm just trying to help lol. I apologize for any mean-ness etc. Well. This review gone on long enough (I'm really hoping the paragraph breaks show.....)

Rose out!