Daffodils

A response to William Wordsworth.

I saw your daffodils today
They bristled and swayed
The air blew sweet and light
Each gentle one matched your words.

I sat down in your daffodils today
They whistled and played
The ground was soft and wet
Each happy moment took me in.

I waited in your daffodils today
They drooped and faded
The day grew old and hot
Each lonely cloud passed away.

I went home from your daffodils today
They vanished and died
The problems have not diminished
And I cannot hide in daffodils.

Reviews

[Doug]

There's a lot of imagery in this one, which is good. I can see the person in the field. Let me see what tips I can give you:

The day grew old and hot
Each lonely cloud passed away.

Let's look at the descriptions here. The word "old" we can get away with, even though it's borderline. But the question I have is, how can a cloud be lonely? Clouds have no feeling. I mean, I know what you're getting at with the line but I'm reading things literally. You must be able to read the lines on a literal stance and have it make sense that way too. You can't just say, "I'm being poetic." So I'd recommend changing that one up.

The problems have not diminished
And I cannot hide in daffodils.

"Problems" is one of those big words. You're saying so much with that word. I can't grasp it all. Keep the words more simple. More straight forward. What is a problem? Tripping over a shoe lace? Losing a dog? Trying to get rid of a dead body? All of those could be the answer here. Give specifics. Paint that picture more. You're not getting your message across enough. Don't try to appeal to the masses. Appeal to yourself. Write YOUR story.

But you're doing well. Keep it up.

[Raef C. Boylan]

I like how you address Wordworth directly in this piece - "your daffodils", and how the narrator reflects on the accuracy of his depiction of them.

The third stanza threw me a little; it seems like we're approaching a negative end, but then the "lonely clouds" are passing away. I get that they're leaving because the day is nearly over [right?], but it reads like a contradiction in mood. Unless I'm interpreting it wrongly?

I admire the overall sentiment: 'Daffodils is a good poem, and it's lovely to be in their presence but my life is still mundane/crappy and I feel like poetry is fantasy...it can't transport me forever.'

Seems like this one maybe needs a bit of work. The subtle rhyming was good, but the structure is inconsistent in a way that appears accidental; it kind of goes:
AABC AADE AA*FG AHIJ
I like that is isn't strict, but feels like it could do with tightening up, or at least a second look.

Nice work.
Thanks for posting it.

[jenbem]

I love Wordsworth's poem and this is a great response to it.
I enjoyed it a lot.

[Dave]

Nice response to Wordsworth's Daffodils. I especially like the use of repetition throughout each stanza. The ending was worth waiting for. Good work!