Sunset

A Poem by MOJI123

You put into words what I couldn’t

You explained a sunset to me today

You said pictures couldn’t describe it

Yet your hearts imagination really shone through

The attention to detail

The silence and peace you described

The vibrant colors of the sky

The sound of the waves on the beach that resonated through your soul

Is exactly how I feel when I’m around you

© 2024 MOJI123

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JayG

• You explained a sunset to me today

No, I didn’t.

• You said pictures couldn’t describe it

No, I really didn’t.

My point? This is you, someone unknown to the reader, talking to someone not introduced, about things meaningful to you. What’s in it for the reader? They come to be entertained, by being made to feel and care, not be better informed on details in the life of someone unknown.

With poetry we don’t tell people how we feel, we make THEM feel it — which can’t be done with the report-writing skills we’ve been given in school.

There, the focus is on informing the reader, concisely and accurately, because it’s the kind of writing that employers need from us. But it’s also an approach that’s useless for poetry because it’s author-centric and fact-based, as is all your posted poetry, because like most, unaware there is another way, you used what you know.

But as E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But if we use the nonfiction skills of school, we provide the weather report. Poetry requires the emotion-based and character-centric skills of fiction and poetry.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing, because this one line makes the rest of the poem meaningful to the reader.

Next, the line requests to know how long their commitment will last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had they never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

And let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metric poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

To hear the song performed, I’ve linked to a live version of the song, made 64 years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3KuOD8pbK8

For the tricks and techniques that will allow you to do that for your work, so far as non-structured poetry, you can grab a readable copy of Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, from the site linked to below. It’s filled with surprises and gems of knowledge that will make you say, “But that makes sense. How did I not notice it, myself?” In the end, though, you'll probably want a hard copy of your own.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

And you might want to take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon, for what he has to say about the flow of language, and, prosody, which — while aimed at those writing structured poetry — enhances all kinds of poetry.

Sorry my news wasn’t better. But keep in mind that what I said has nothing to do with talent, only knowledge that you can acquire. So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

----------
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

Posted 6 Months Ago

• You explained a sunset to me today

No, I didn’t.

• You said pictures couldn’t describe it

No, I really didn’t.

My point? This is you, someone unknown to the reader, talking to someone not introduced, about things meaningful to you. What’s in it for the reader? They come to be entertained, by being made to feel and care, not be better informed on details in the life of someone unknown.

With poetry we don’t tell people how we feel, we make THEM feel it — which can’t be done with the report-writing skills we’ve been given in school.

There, the focus is on informing the reader, concisely and accurately, because it’s the kind of writing that employers need from us. But it’s also an approach that’s useless for poetry because it’s author-centric and fact-based, as is all your posted poetry, because like most, unaware there is another way, you used what you know.

But as E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But if we use the nonfiction skills of school, we provide the weather report. Poetry requires the emotion-based and character-centric skills of fiction and poetry.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing, because this one line makes the rest of the poem meaningful to the reader.

Next, the line requests to know how long their commitment will last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had they never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

And let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metric poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

To hear the song performed, I’ve linked to a live version of the song, made 64 years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3KuOD8pbK8

For the tricks and techniques that will allow you to do that for your work, so far as non-structured poetry, you can grab a readable copy of Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, from the site linked to below. It’s filled with surprises and gems of knowledge that will make you say, “But that makes sense. How did I not notice it, myself?” In the end, though, you'll probably want a hard copy of your own.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

And you might want to take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon, for what he has to say about the flow of language, and, prosody, which — while aimed at those writing structured poetry — enhances all kinds of poetry.

Sorry my news wasn’t better. But keep in mind that what I said has nothing to do with talent, only knowledge that you can acquire. So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

----------
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
 ~ Mark Twain

Rating /100