Fear

Growing up too fast

Fear

“From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were—I have not seen As others saw—“

-Alone, by Edgar Allen Poe

I thought I was different, one who can move ahead, one who saw success earlier than others would

But fear, fear was the only emotion I felt while moving on in my life.

At 14, I feared high school.

Middle school has ended, and I have entered a new era.

My teachers told me you must work hard to succeed. 

So I did.

At 15, I'm a year closer to my junior year. My teachers told me junior year is the hardest part of your high school career. Be ready.

So I got ready. 

At 16, it’s my junior year, studying for my SATS, excited for senior year, prom, senior breakfast, saying goodbye to my friends, I’m only one year away, right? 

But it didn't go as planned.

I left my friends early. 

College came all too soon. 

I thought I was ready—

I couldn’t enjoy my senior year; hell, I couldn’t enjoy half of my junior year. 

I didn’t want to graduate early, but I came to that realization all too late.

Mama said, “Inti bint baba, my smart girl” (you’re definitely your father’s daughter).

But I didn’t feel smart. 

I felt scared. 

Why is life moving too fast? 

I’m too young, but I can do it

I’m smart right?

At 16, I’m in college, meeting new people, and starting a new life. 

Learning independence at an age where I still needed my parents, 

I learned independence when I needed my brothers to hold my hand and tell me how to function as an adult.

Learning to be an adult when I couldn’t keep my head up, when I couldn’t defend myself when I didn’t know who I was or what I would be

When I thought I knew earlier than most 

Learning independence when mentally im in the warmth and comfort of my home with my mom in the next room talking loudly on the phone 

Learning independence when I am not fully grown

First semester: I got my first B. Mama. What do I do?

“Don’t worry, baby, as long as it’s not more than a few.”

Mama I got my first C. I’m losing my mind.

“Don’t worry, baby, that doesn’t make your worth defined.”

Mama, why am I here? I need you.

“Don’t worry, baby, it’s all still new.”

But I will  worry; I’m shaking. 

You don’t understand how much I'm faking. 

Faking to be fine, to be strong, to be kind 

In reality, I'm falling behind. 

What happened to the A student who never dropped a grade?

I had to drop a class because my motivation couldn’t be made 

I can’t make up my mind on what I want to do. 

Do I want to do pharmacy? Or can I be a singer too? 

Being placed in a setting where “teacher” turned into "professor,” where you didn’t have to raise your hand to use the bathroom, and where hall passes weren’t needed for you to roam the halls

When you’re all too used to those features of home 

Mama, please take me home. 

I’m not ready. 

I keep stumbling over my own toes; I can’t stay steady.

At 16, I’m in college. 

At 16, I’m scared. 

At 16, I feared college.

 It is now I realize 

I’m no different from anyone 

I’m only a child who had an ego.