Thoughts.

I wish to get a sense of where my jottings lay in their quality.

It’s midnight. I’m laying solitary on my bed. My room is dark, still, quiet. A combo that never fails to de-stress my tensed state after a tiring day. I feel my senses weaken now as I gently ease into a mellow state allowing me to finally close my eyes after taking my last breath preparatory to my deep slumber.

I’m asleep now, but my mind is awake. I’m dreaming a familiar dream about a fantasy of mine, it seems as if my daydreams have coupled with my night dreams. In my dream I’m someone else. A triumphant man. A man of power and status. Farseeing and affirmative. My reputation precedes as a character that demands respect. I’m ruthless. I’m not sparse of money, companions, or devotees. But my life is not perfect. I’m not happy. I’m very sad but I can’t understand. why is it that I ache? What is missing? Who is missing?

In this dream, It’s another somber Friday night, they are a familiar guest. I pose on my frequent armchair in a state of reside so recognizable to me. As I sit, I can with distinct hear the external music of joy and happiness whom others are the contributors of, and whom I am a stranger to. And of what a strange dissimilarity were these tones, their brightness revived somber, their glee and mirth extended sorrow and melancholy to my separate. Whilst Dining in thus mode of mood, I pondered profoundly to the cause of this harassing emotion.

My stomach, even though filled with food, suffers an outweighing absence that won’t taper. Alas, I dread that I am a ceaseless prisoner, shackled to the veritable prison of this contrast, sentenced to the cursed cages of immortal sequester. What is the meaning of this cursed irony? Am I ever to be deserving of grace and simple joy? I’m afraid not.

To the screams all ears are deaf, to the ache there’s solely death. Cursed is the devil creator of this immortal wretch, darling is the blessed hour when I take my last breath. Because only when I've reached the end, will I rest, no longer be depressed. 
 

 

Author's Note

Please do not strict your reviews. Review everything from word order to the slightest punctuation errors.

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

You take us into the scene…just as the title says with “Thoughts”. That is prevalent as one goes about the read. The emotions of the character are put forth. In what he/she is wanting us to understand. As for the grammar and placement of commas and semicolons is needed. Also with the capitalization, areas not needing the same, word order and etc. I will put some point of views below in the entirety. You can accept or not, this is your writing and know the direction in which you want to go with the story line.


It’s midnight…

Laying solitary on my bed. My room is dark, still, and quiet. A combo that never fails to de-stress my tensed state, after a tiring day. I feel my senses weaken; now as I gently ease into a mellow state allowing me to finally close my eyes. After taking my last breath preparatory to my deep slumber.

Asleep now, but my mind is awake. I’m dreaming a familiar dream about a fantasy of mine. As if, my daydreams have coupled with my night dreams. Where I’m someone else as a triumphant man of power and status; farseeing and affirmative. My reputation precedes as a character that demands respect. I’m ruthless not sparse of money, companions, or devotees. My life is not perfect nor happy. I’m very sad, but can’t understand. Why is it that aches? What is missing? Who is missing?

In this dream, it’s another somber Friday night. They are a familiar guest. Posing on my frequent armchair in a state of reside, so recognizable to me. As I sit, I hear with distinct the external music of joy and happiness. Whom others are the contributors of, and I’m a stranger to. What a strange dissimilarity were these tones? Their brightness revived somber, their glee, mirth extended sorrow and melancholy to my separate. Whilst dining in thus mode of mood, I pondered profoundly to the cause of this harassing emotion.

My stomach, even though filled with food, suffers an outweighing absence that won’t taper. Alas, I dread that I’m a ceaseless prisoner, shackled to the veritable prison of this contrast, sentenced to the cursed cages of immortal sequester. What’s the meaning of this cursed irony? Am I ever to be deserving of grace and simple joy? I’m afraid not.

To the screams, all ears are deaf to the ache. There’s solely death. Cursed is the devil, creator of this immortal wretch. Darling is the blessed hour, when I take my last breath. Only when reaching the end, will I rest, no longer be depressed.


Over-all you can make resolutions to this work and continue to add on the theme. This are my opinions and not absolute facts that you must take into consideration, but a guide to see where the areas can help the flow and structure of your writing. Good day...

[Samuel Dickens]

You've done a great job of expressing the sadness and despair of the narrator. Technically, there are very few errors, but writing involves far more than that. Being perhaps too honest, and I hope you don't take offense, but it doesn't sound like it was written by a native English-speaker. I wish I could tell you how to change that, but I'm not a teacher. If you'd like, I could edit some of it and show you by example.

"A combo that never fails"--I'd say "combination"
"I’m laying solitary on my bed"--Should be "lying".

[Mohamed Al Banna]

No offense taken, but how does that affect the overall quality of the writing? And yes please I'd appreciate it if you could edit it and show me by example. Thanks for the review.

[An owl on the moon]

What a powerful glimpse into the mind and heart... the longings for more... wondering in dreams of what might be to have it... the contrasts and shadows make this so intriguing to ponder.

[Mohamed Al Banna]

Your Review portrays my world perfectly. Thanks.

[Lucien Maier]

You vocabulary is outstanding. However it is overused if you are going for the general reader. Also the I is either over used or not laid out well to impress the cadence you maybe looking for. If that is the case I would suggest:
I Am
I was
I will be
When each starts its own line it communicates the "rhythm" a little better.
Again the vocab is very nice, I would love to see a short story by your pen.

[Mohamed Al Banna]

Thanks for the honest and constructive review kind sir. Hopefully I'll have one for you very soon.

[David Scott]

Mohamed, your story is told with an honest clarity. I am not a great editor, but if you like, I would e-mail you some advice with a few lines, word use and punctuation. Overall, I would consider this a very good draft, but not a finished write yet. I have posted many a write before they were "finished myself. I think this is a story you needed to tell as well as you could tell it now.

Depression feels like this. Feeling depressed forever, until our death, is not the reality you must face. There is escape from depression in life and living well more so than in death. Death is not an escape, but rather a surrender, and death has it's time and place. Still, it is a lie depression whispers to us when we loose hope of living well and joyful days.
There is hope in life and there is "Hope" as well... Both clinical care and spiritual care can elevate us to a bliss we could never have dreamed for ourselves.

You painted a perfect picture of how it feels and how we "dream" when we are afflicted with depression.
Well told story Mohamed.

[Noor.92]

Nicely Written..Deep indeed!

[Mohamed Al Banna]

Thanks for the feedback.