No More Begging

Sometimes we wish that we can change others, but what we have to remember is that the one thing that is most important to change is ourselves

Close your eyes... 
No really close your eyes.. Maybe if you close your eyes you can hold back the tears that you want to cry on the outside that you are forced to hide on the inside every single time you choose to do the right thing with the one that you love, but it turns into a fight that is outside the norm.. outside of normality, so you have to realize and ask yourself what is important? 

Is it my self importance of being who I truly was coming into this or is it love? Do I decide to treat them the way I want to be treated until I cant take it anymore so I just take my emotion and leave you with the material and hide all that I swore to uphold like being by your side and continue to let the screams, jabs, and disrespect sit in my mind calling it its own aka a home where all I know but can't imply what truly resides.

I am out of paper and my pencil point is broken. I am trying to erase these dreams that I recall of you trying to come at me with that weapon that one time threatening to beat what I thought we had which was magic wanting to turn it red and blue. You were always so fine.... You could never keep your actions and words together though and balance them on the shortest distance between the two points. A straight line.    (Balls paper up and throws it away)

Before you were never like that..   (Pulls out a cell phone)
We would talk on the phone all the time. Repeating the words I am yours and you were mine.
Then the way I would dress, the words I would say, my opinions on the things that are going on in the world today became an issue.  There was even that one night you did not want to be touched. You said I talked to much. 
When we promised each other that we would always be heard no matter what. 

I guess your ears got full like your voicemail which was a sight to see. The numbers that called weren't me. 
At first I did not care till things got secretive and sharing our most personal feelings was nothing but hatred in your tone as you performed open heart surgery and didn't put me to sleep. The nights were so strange after that day.

You really didn't want to do anything anymore. You broke my hand when you slam the door, but I refused to go get it taken care off because I felt we needed more repairing. I tried to talk to those who I felt were close to us. Who were outsiders looking in the traditional people family, the dog, a friend, those who passed on to the other side, even when they said you can always talk to us even when we are no longer here its just a casket that we're buried in.

I felt like I needed to be inside.
A part of me that day died.
Nobody on your side of the family wanted to hear anything that was on my mind. Even after I said that I had written letters that I could not finish. Phone calls that could not be completed. Expressing one self because they said that we all need someone to talk to sometime. I felt like ever since that day something changed. You refuse to say. Now I can't even pay you a visit because you are locked away not in jail not even for a crime.

Locked away because communication became something that just wasn't discussed. 
Something that was not expressed that sat too on your mind.
I just have to figure out if I still need to be sitting here waiting.
For you to one day get released out that mental hellhole where I feel nobody comes out the way they went in.
These were just some things that I just wanted to state.

I hope that it helps...
I hope that you get help..
You are always loved by me. 
I guess I still have hope and faith.

People have vices and addictions and sometime have no idea on how to say that they need help.
Although you can help just don't go around the issue and skate.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste but a terrible place to wait.

I'm not begging you to change anymore 
You have to be the change you want to see.
I hope to see..
See you on the outside of these doors.