Chapter One

Meet Luece Donar, a man heading towards a manic incident and psychosis.

modtoddink

Weather Man

A Story of Transformation

Written by  Todd Richter Watson Joslyn

Copyright 2015

 

 

A man struggling with his life discovers that his deepest thoughts have greater power than he ever imagined. When he finds himself beyond his limitations he must transcend his belief before innocent people are killed, including himself.

 

Chapter One

 

Luece Donar sat in the easy chair and subconsciously stared at the duck on the end table. The duck slowly came into focus and he remembered his father carving it twenty years earlier; it was the first of several wooden ducks his father would create. The senior Donar had presented this particular duck to his son for Christmas the year before he passed, as a sort of ritualistic gift of symbolism, which in his father’s mind, was heartfelt serendipity. Luece was of a different opinion. The duck was simple compared to the ones that came after; small in size and stained brown as opposed to being authentically painted and professional looking. The latter ducks Mr. Donar carved grew with his skill and determination to do things bigger and better than before, like everything else he did in his life. This was a fitting gift in Luece’s eyes because he felt that his father thought of him in the same way; small, insignificant, and forgotten. Something easily parted with as bigger and better interests came along. Although, Luece knew his father loved him deeply, there was always a sort of hidden satisfaction in his eyes that his son had not, could not and would not surpass him in success or stature. This ate at Luece like termites in rotting wood. Mr. Donar had been dead for five years now. As he stared at the duck Luece realized it was one of the last items he had left from his dad. He felt bittersweet warmth begin to come over him, nostalgic and painful at the same time. Suddenly he felt cold: five years had gone by and he was still no better off.

 

***

           

            A light rain started to fall outside. Strange, Luece thought, as he looked out the kitchen window; the forecast today was for sunshine with zero chance of rain. This was typical Seattle weather. Shrugging, he continued making himself a tuna melt, chopping the green onion, and toasting the bread. After lightly buttering the toast he reached into the fridge for some pre-shredded cheddar and more mayo, then he began assembling the melts and sliding them into the oven to melt the cheese. He poured a glass of milk and started huffing and puffing over the pile of bills resting on the kitchen table. He rifled through them quickly, noting the bills that were more urgent than others, and absent mindedly separating them with a finger, holding the less important ones to the bottom. Then he placed the two piles crisscrossed over one another on the counter. Dark thoughts began to creep into his mind. I will never pay everything off! I can't live long enough. I need help, but who do I call? I can't ignore this anymore, and there is no one left to bail me out! Maybe I could get a loan? No. What can I sell? S**t! His mind was racing. This happened all the time. He called it ‘stressing out’, but Luece knew there was something deeper going on. He was capable of flat out working himself into a panic and then the real demons would show up. He would be out of control and vulnerable to judgement from others, as well as becoming susceptible to accidents or something even worse. This had happened often enough in his life: Landing him in jail for a while in the early 90’s, which then led to rehabilitation, pills and counseling, not to mention the public humility and of course more debt, thousands of dollars of debt; on top of the thousands he already owed. Crap! The tuna melts! Luece raced over to the oven and pulled out the tray with the edges of the bread starting to blacken. He sprinkled some parsley and paprika on top just like his mom used to do, and walked into the living room to sit on the sofa. He turned on the TV and flipped through the channels, waiting for the melts to cool, the thought of a cold beer popped into his head. He glanced at the glass of milk. Thunder shouted outside as he shook his head, No! I can’t drink. That isn’t going to solve anything; it will just make things worse. He settled on an old rerun of The Rockford Files, and began eating his sandwiches. The cold beer remained in his thoughts. He heard the ‘popping’ sound of the can and his mouth salivated. Luece knew he was doomed.

 

***

           

The storm had passed and the smell of fresh rain was in the air. Luece sat in his car outside the 7-Eleven idling and arguing with himself. It was almost seven in the evening now and he knew the argument was pointless. After a few minutes he turned the ignition off and went into the store, picked up a half rack of Bud, paid with money he didn’t have, and walked quickly back to his car. He didn’t want to be seen buying alcohol. Wishing he had someone to drink with, he assured himself that this was it, just these twelve beers, no more after he drank them and absolutely no hard stuff. He drove to a wooded area behind a rundown movie theatre near the 7-Eleven, which was not far from his house, and parked. Cracking the first beer, Luece remembered when the theatre was still open and he and his friends would cruise the parking lot for girls, usually while they drank. The difference now was that he was still doing it and they were not.

He loved the movies, often times going with his parents, and sometimes with his friends or girlfriend at the time. Most often though it was about getting beer and playing video games in the lobby of the theatre while checking out the babes, or cruising the lot. He had met most of his girlfriend’s at this theatre. He suddenly thought about Tammy, the current off and on relationship he was in. He wondered if she would try and call tonight. Taking out his cell phone he turned off the ringer. Better to not know if she did. He cracked the second beer open. This was his ritual, his needed medicine. This was Luece’s way of turning off his brain and forgetting the worry and pain that corrupted him and constantly weighed upon him until he felt less than human; downright despicable and a waste of life. After a few beers he just didn’t care anymore.

As euphoria swept over him, a sun ray shot through the trees a final time before setting over the distant horizon. Luece had drunk six beers and felt pretty good. Taking the bag off the case of beer, he threw the empties in it and got out of the car. Walking over onto the sidewalk by the abandoned theatre, he tossed the bag of cans inside one of the broken windows. The cans clattered in the silent empty space and he winced a little at the noise. As he started back towards his car he noticed the Moon was full, barely visible on the opposite side of the skyline. Before he opened his car door he heard a loud, piercing shrill. Was that a scream? He thought somewhat dizzily. He waited for another one. Were people fighting? Could he hear scuffling? Now someone screamed, no doubt. It sounded female. Luece turned from his car towards the screams. He thought they might be coming from the other side of the building. His heart pounding, Luece thought about simply leaving, after all he had been drinking, and he certainly didn’t need any trouble. The girl or lady screamed again. This time he heard her sobbing and screeching “no” worse than a cat in heat… it was awful sounding. The sound compelled Luece into action and he ran for the corner of the theatre.

Author's Note

Any feedback is much appreciated. This is a first draft copy that will be edited in the near future, mainly looking for readability and flow of the story feedback...

Reviews

[Michelle Coleman]

This story seems to be about a man struggling with addiction, which might be connected to the relationship he had with his father. The story line shows promise.

Writing as a narrator is a great challenge for many people. I think one of the reasons is because the writer can seem detached to the readers. You can help your story come to life if you step into your character long enough to adequately portray his mental and emotional state rather than provide a lot of mundane details of his activities in kitchen while he muses in his mind.

I have taken the time to go through much of this chapter and have made some suggestions. I didn't quite make it to the third section where he caves in because it is very late and I need some sleep. 😜 I hope you will find my review helpful. And as with everything in life, take what you like and leave the rest.

Luece Donar sat in the easy chair and subconsciously stared at the duck on the end table.

"And subconsciously" feels awkward here. I suggest using different wording. You want your first sentence to flow strong.

The duck slowly came into focus and he remembered his father carving it twenty years earlier; it was the first of several wooden ducks his father would create.

Try something like, "As the duck slowly came into focus, he remembered..." Though this may be a personal preference, "and" is one of those words I try to use sparingly.

Because you write about this duck being the first of several further into the paragraph, you can drop the second part of this sentence to avoid repetition.

The senior Donar had presented this particular duck to his son for Christmas the year before he passed, as a sort of ritualistic gift of symbolism, which in his father’s mind, was heartfelt serendipity.

Begin with Senior Donar instead of "The senior Donar." This provides a more humanizing aspect to your character.

This sentence is also too long. Break it up. Maybe start the second sentence with "in his father's mind..." The comma after "passed" is unnecessary. You can probably even drop the word "particular," since this is the only duck being discussed at this point.

"Luece was of a different opinion."

I would begin a new paragraph here.

The duck was simple compared to the ones that came after; small in size and stained brown as opposed to being authentically painted and professional looking.

I am thinking you can fuze "authentically painted and professional looking" into a more cohesive statement using less words. The word "authentically" feels weird here. I am not sure how one would go about inauthentically painting. Professional looking could sound better by saying appearing professional or having a professional quality.

The latter ducks Mr. Donar carved grew with his skill and determination to do things bigger and better than before, like everything else he did in his life.

Try beginning this sentence with "Like everything else he did in life..."
The word "his" can be unnecessary in both places it is used.

This was a fitting gift in Luece’s eyes because he felt that his father thought of him in the same way; small, insignificant, and forgotten. Something easily parted with as bigger and better interests came along.

This is an easily relatable feeling. We are given a context in which to view their relationship.
Although, Luece knew his father loved him deeply, there was always a sort of hidden satisfaction in his eyes that his son had not, could not and would not surpass him in success or stature.

The comma after although is not necessary.
Saying "had not, could not and would not surpass him" is too repetitive. You can convey the same message using fewer and more to the point wording.
The sentence is also very long. Try breaking it into two.

This ate at Luece like termites in rotting wood.

Is this because he shared his father's view or did he feel unacknowledged for his successes?

Mr. Donar had been dead for five years now. As he stared at the duck Luece realized it was one of the last items he had left from his dad. He felt bittersweet warmth begin to come over him, nostalgic and painful at the same time. Suddenly he felt cold: five years had gone by and he was still no better off.

Begin a new paragraph here.

A light rain started to fall outside. Strange, Luece thought, as he looked out the kitchen window; the forecast today was for sunshine with zero chance of rain. This was typical Seattle weather.

You stated that Luece thought it strange to find rain despite a sunny forecast. Then you said it is typical of Seattle weather. Is Luece new to the area?

Shrugging, he continued making himself a tuna melt, chopping the green onion, and toasting the bread. After lightly buttering the toast he reached into the fridge for some pre-shredded cheddar and more mayo, then he began assembling the melts and sliding them into the oven to melt the cheese.

You could just say "he continued to prepare a tuna melt." Readers don't necessarily need a play by play unless something unexpected happens in the process. We get it.

He poured a glass of milk and started huffing and puffing over the pile of bills resting on the kitchen table.

Huffing and puffing makes me think of the Big Bad Wolf. Or strenuous activity.

He rifled through them quickly, noting the bills that were more urgent than others, and absent mindedly separating them with a finger, holding the less important ones to the bottom.

Rifling is a hurried movement, so you could drop the word "quickly."
Instead of reusing the word "bills," you could say something like this. He rifled through them, noting which ones were more urgent... Be careful with the unnecessary details.

Then he placed the two piles crisscrossed over one another on the counter.

Is he OCD?

Dark thoughts began to creep into his mind.

Begin a new paragraph here. After sharing what is running circles in his head, you said his mind was racing. How would you feel if you tacked on something like 'fight for space as they crept' in the middle of this sentence?

"I will never pay everything off! I can't live long enough."

You can combine these into one sentence. For example... "I will never live long enough to pay everything off!

I need help, but who do I call? I can't ignore this anymore, and there is no one left to bail me out!

Something like, 'who can I call when there is no one left to bail me out' might work better.

This happened all the time. He called it ‘stressing out’, but Luece knew there was something deeper going on.

The sentences feel choppy. Maybe play around with some rewording and structure. "This happened all the time. This stressing out, as he called it. However, Luece...

He was capable of flat out working himself into a panic and then the real demons would show up.

You have an opportunity to create a real sense of fear and hopelessness in the face of his demons. Rather than just stating that the demons show up, illustrate their invasiveness. Do they knock down the door? Bust through the windows? Beat the hell out of him or those he loves? Drag him out of the house and throw him into trouble? You make a vague comment about him landing in jail in the nighties, which led him into rehab, pills and counseling. You might want to use a separate paragraph for this and expand.

He would be out of control and vulnerable to judgement from others, as well as becoming susceptible to accidents or something even worse. This had happened often enough in his life: Landing him in jail for a while in the early 90’s, which then led to rehabilitation, pills and counseling, not to mention the public humility and of course more debt, thousands of dollars of debt; on top of the thousands he already owed.

Try to make these qualities more cohesive. Why is he vulnerable and accident prone? Can we have an example or two of how this came to be? As it is, it seems you are just making a list.

Crap! The tuna melts!

Begin a new paragraph.

That isn’t going to solve anything; it will just make things worse.

Begin a new paragraph.

He settled on an old rerun of The Rockford Files, and began eating his sandwiches. The cold beer remained in his thoughts. He heard the ‘popping’ sound of the can and his mouth salivated. Luece knew he was doomed.

Here, you have provided a trigger for his weakness that many can understand.

[modtoddinc]

Thank you very much for the in depth review of my work. I will consider everything you have said and make some choices. Please feel free to continue reviewing my work.

~peace, Todd

[Double T]

This is a cool story. I love it.

[modtoddinc]

I am currently in the process of editing and making some changes to chapter one. Chapter two is complete and I will be rewriting some paragraphs in it before posting. Please stay tuned.

~peace, Todd

Every review is deeply appreciated.

[Workvio]

It always looks to be the start of a good story when a character overwhelmed with problems makes a decision to help someone with greater problems than his own, as in your guy running to the aid of a screaming woman obviously in distress ... Our personal problems tend to melt away when we focus our hearts and minds upon helping others; a key teaching of AA, and just the common sense logic of life ... I am curious, now, to see where this story goes from here ...

[modtoddinc]

Thank you Marv. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work. It means a lot.

~peace, Todd

[alf]

Hi Todd. As far as the writing goes, you have it covered. For me, the block layout doesn't keep the reader's attention. One loses focus without paragraph breaks to rest the eyes. Will PM with the rest of my thoughts, alf

[modtoddinc]

I appreciate your insights and time, will consider.

~peace, Todd

[Ben Noah Suri]

It is indeed readable. His inner torment and his dilemmas have been expressed neatly.. The suspense at the end makes the reader want more. Nice start. All the best for keeping the momentum going. Keep it tight

[modtoddinc]

Thank you for visiting and reading. Much appreciated.

~peace, Todd