Self sufficiency

You promised me the rainbow.

But I got only the blues…

As I’m in love with the indigo,

Still, got to find all of the remaining hues…

Plucking the petals of joy

As I jump through the moonglow -

The magic’s favorite toy.

And oh, the stars …they say hello!

Under their blanket I dance

Waltzing around the dreams,

Saturated with romance,

And yet, I miss the evergreens

Of the blooming, sunny days,

That tickles a quiet heart…

…that was simmering in solitary greys.

Life, with so many lessons to impart,

And the line to cross so thin…

 So many cautions remain unheeded,

 Because - all of the colors already shine from within,

Hence, no promises needed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

we finally get to a point where we do not need the permission of others to live on our own terms, with our own colors.
j.

[Ana B.]

Yes, that is true. We did pay the price, but the outcome it is liberating and empowering. Thank you Jacob :)

[Robert Haigh]

The vagaries of love and the fallout from that can deeply wound. It always makes a good subject for a poem, I guess. Your words come across as genuine and do not wallow in self-pity. Also, you end on an optimistic note, which I like. A well-penned poem!

[Ana B.]

Thank you very much Robert :) Indeed, it's a topic that won't run out of source material....Have a lovely weekend!

[Robert Haigh]

You have a lovely weekend too!

[Chris Shaw]

Love can hurt Ana and when it does, the blues can certainly settle in. Our outlook will change and while we are nursing our pain, those lovely bright colours in the bouquet of life will remain subdued. We just have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and face the days ahead. I enjoyed your poem, it will be relatable to many. I read the lengthy review from JayG by the way. Didn't find much of value there, in fact found the tone quite obnoxious.

Chris

[Ana B.]

Hi Chris :) Indeed love can heal but feels like it has to hurt first. I suppose only when facing such challenges can we really see how far can our strength go and if we can come back better and more vibrant. Thank you very much for stopping by and for the warm words. it means the world. Yeah, the previous lengthy review is a pain, thank you for your support!!!

[Chris Shaw]

You are welcome Ana :)

[Gee]

Jeez, imagine how boring if we were all the same. I can see this lady is not for turning, not should she :)

[Ana B.]

I heard someone once said: ''If it something exists, than it has the right to exist.'' That fell into my heart, and I stand for those who are craving their own road, that differs from others, or at least has some detours...because why not? Thanks for dropping by Gee :)

[Gee]

My pleasure, God help me if he reads some of the piffle I post :)))

[Ana B.]

Well, the aim is at me so I hope you're safe :))))

[JayG]

You're focusing on rhyming at the expense of all else. But rhyming isn't the purpose, it's only an accent, like the tink of a cymbal at line's end.

As such, the line should never be bent to the needs of the rhyme. In fact, the rhyming word should be the perfect one for the thought, and the rhyme seem almost accidental.

• You promised me the rainbow. But I got only the blues…

This pair seems to imply that the poem is about dissappointment, most likely in a relationship. But, the unknown "you" of the first line is never mentioned again. So it's irrelevant. Remember, unlike you, the reader has no context for your purpose in writing the poem, only how it resonates with them.

• As I’m in love with the indigo, Still, got to find all of the remaining hues…

What in the pluperfect hells does this have to do with someone unknown promising someone we know nothing about to give them a rainbow? And think about it. Does the reader care that someone they know nothing bout likes indigo?

You're also not using stanzas, but should. They're like paragraphing, and help give the poem structure.

You might want to take a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's the best intro to poetry basics that I've found. And I think you'll be surprised at some of the things he has to say, and wonder why you never noticed.

The Shmoop site is also a good resource. They have lots of successful poems analyzed in great detail, to show how and why they worked so well. When you get there, select Student. Then, use the button to the left of the midpage search window to select Poetry.

Sorry my news isn't better. But still, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Ana B.]

Dear Jay, thank you for taking the time to read my work and write such a detailed review. I agree, it's not my finest work, definitely not, however - I don't write poems for the reader to understand or get invested in. It is just a form of expressing my thoughts, feelings. An outlet so to speak. Therefore, do I care that the reader cares? No.

Also, for some unkonwn reason to me you decided to dissect my work, especially going into technicalities, well, let's say a better way about it would be to write me a private message, not leave all this on public display. It does affect one's ( in this case mine) self confidence and willingness to publish or write anymmore. It is something I would definitely do, out of respect for the fellow writes here.

[JayG]

• I don't write poems for the reader to understand or get invested in

Were that true, you'd not have posted it in a public forum, or, left the comments window open.

You carefully arranged the piece for appearance, and tried to make it more interesting with pictures and italic presentation. So you do care how it's received. But...you're not willing to learn how poetry is written, so you can use that to better exopress yourself? Seriously? You want to BE a poet without having to become one?

In general, you write what's been called Dismal Damsel poems, of the "Life is dark, and I weep," variety. I mean no insult, but I think you might ask yourself if working to make yourself more competent, in everything, you might remove the reason for "woe is me," poetry.

After all, if you write only for your own pleasure, then post it in a public place...well... You know what they say about people who pleasure themself in public.

And now, since you're apparently upset by not receiving praise, use the little X at the top right of my comments to delete them. You might also think about closing the comments window, or, leave a "praise only" note.

[Ana B.]

Well, I did leave the option for comments, therefore should have seen it coming, can't argue with you there, it's a good point.
Yet, there is absolutely nothing wrong with ''Dismal Damsel'' poems as you call them, and no offence, but the reason the theme behind my writing is something that I will always choose, no matter what it is.

Comparing me writing with doing ''you know what'' in public? Come on, that's an a*****e thing to say. If you don't like my writing, please feel free to skip my posts, no need to throw shade. I am not looking for a praise, and I do see you are trying to give pointers to writers and help out - it is a very noble action, but youre going pretty harsh about it and sometimes it works, but sometimes it can cause damage, that's all I am trying to say.

[JayG]

• Yet, there is absolutely nothing wrong with ''Dismal Damsel'' poems as you call them.
read more• Yet, there is absolutely nothing wrong with ''Dismal Damsel'' poems as you call them.

Nothing wrong, other than that they're predictable, repetitive, limited to "poor me," and found in every high school lit mag, written by girls experiencing their first emotional disappointment. If you've seen the film, Bettlejuice—and if you haven't you should—every dismal damsel poem reads like Linda's suicide note, "I am alone. I am UTTERLY alone. They're passive, and spineless. No matter how prettily you say it, "it all boils down to "woe is me."

• but the reason the theme behind my writing is something that I will always choose, no matter what it is.

Who cares? The reader doesn't know you. and they never know the reason, only the complaint. They care about what your words suggest to THEM, and the emotion the words call up, based on their life.

• If you don't like my writing, please feel free to skip my posts, no need to throw shade.

Throw shade? You really mean that I didn't praise the work.

In reality, someone you don't know took time they didn't have to give you, to help you become a better poet, by pointing out both the problems and, the way to fix them. In this case, that comes from someone who has sold their work in nonfiction, fiction, both short and long form, and poetry. I've been writing for over forty years, and have taught fiction at workshops. So I'm not giving my personal opinion.

I make no claims to be a competent poet, only to to have taken the time to dig into the tricks of what is a profession that's centuries in the making.

And your respoinse? To react with, "Oh my, mean old Jay's throwing shade on me," because I didn't praise your work

In the words of Sol Stein: “A writer, shy or not, needs a tough skin, for no matter how advanced one’s experience and career, expert criticism cuts to the quick, and one learns to endure and to perfect, if for no other reason than to challenge the pain-maker.”

I am NOT a poet. Yet by applying the techniques that were developed by those who are talented, much of my posted work, here, has pages of positive comments.

For all we know you have talent oozing from every pore. But, till you give that talent tools to work with, those with less talent but a bit of knowledge will be better recieved. And THAT'S fixable.

You can, of course, continue to write in any way you care to. And I sincerely wish you luck with your writing.

And since my aim was to help, not upset you, I'll bow out, and you can delete my comments.

[Ana B.]

This would be a valid point if your opinion or was requested. Since you decided to waste your little time that you have upon YOUR own choice that does not mean I have to appreciate your critic by default. And the fact that you claim you have years of writing and publishing still does not give you any right to ''speak'' in such a patronizing tone. Why should I act nonchalant when your words indeed have upset me? Yes, I should be tough, but I am being honest. So please bestow this honorable knowledge somewhere else. Good day.

[JayG]

• This would be a valid point if your opinion or was requested.

It was. Read the label next to the Comments window you left open. It says, "Post Comment." Had I praised the work, you would have accepted that praise without question, as deserved.

Failing to accept what's not praise in that same spirit is deceiving yourself. Failure to take steps to constantly improve is shortsighted.

Leaving the comments window open, without a note requesting praise only, then complaining that you didn't receive praise is shortsighted. And, you forget that you learn nothing from those who disagree with you. And in fact, YOU said you don't care what other people think. So, either lock out the comment window or dig into the tricks of making people respond more positively to your work.

[Ana B.]

I am simply asking you again to vector your attention somewhere else. Writing for me is like painting a picture. It does not require to fit into some limits that are decided and used by someone else. Of course I do appreciate the classical knowledge that as you said before has been centuries in making. But why should I limit myself into that boundaries? It is a free form of creativity, and if i don't feel like using stanzas for example - I won't. The world is constantly changing and there is room for everything, even for ''predictinve, limited and repetitive poems''.
I did NOT say what other people thing. I said ''Do i care that the reader cares? No'' These are different things. Don't twist my words to prove your point. Other people seem to respond positively to my work. And read the previous comments we exchanged. I did not so much object to your remarks, but rather to your obnoxious tone. You're stuck on the concept that I am expecting only praise, well other people have criticized my work, but they did it in a respectful way, messaging me in private and being respectful about it. So tell me - what is the use in your years of poetry if you are being so bitter with every word? THAT is why I am not appreciating your first review and the following comments.

[JayG]

• It does not require to fit into some limits that are decided and used by someone else.
read more• It does not require to fit into some limits that are decided and used by someone else.

The hell it doesn’t. Had people not guided you…had teachers in art class not advised you, you’d still be drawing stick figures and using crayons. Do you really think that only the education that's forced on us is needed?

Sure, you can scribble any crap you want to and call it a picture. But the minute you put that out for others to see, you are going to get opinions on how it compares to what that person sees as an actual picture.

You keep trying to justify your lack of knowledge of things poetic—as if your opinion must apply to all. You keep trying to redefine what poetry is to allow you to be a poet without having to become one. But the chances are good that your approach—demanding that your scribblings be honored as art—is a good part of the reason your writing gets so few people telling you that you’re doing it well. Unless your game is, “Poor Me.” You really need to find and read the book, Games People Play and find out what your game is. It can be liberating.

• Of course I do appreciate the classical knowledge that as you said before has been centuries in making.

Were that true it would show in your work. But "appreciating" is an abstract. Learning is something concrete. Your DREAM is to be appreciated for yourself, and respected. But respect is earned, not a right. And the difference between a dream and a goal is a timetable. Which is yours? Dream or goal?

• “But” why should I limit myself into that boundaries?

You can’t cross boundaries if you’re unaware where they are. With no map, so you’re just wandering across someone's garden, declaring, "I am an explorer!"

That aside, “but,” the word you begin with, is interesting, because It means, “ignore everything I just said.” What you’re really saying is that you demand the right to call a shopping list a novel, if you care to. And a poem is whatever YOU call a poem. But it’s the reader who gets to define that. And based on the number of responses you’ve gotten, you just might want to look into what readers respond to. Any artist, in any field, takes the audience’s perception and reactions into account—and must if they are to achieve the communication of ideas they hope to. If your goal is to make others understand how you feel, you must make them feel that way, not not inform them on your unhappiness.

And if you, as you said, don’t care what others think of your work, you’d not be posting it, and you’d not care what I say, and so, not respond. But you do respond, and respond, and.... And every response is identical: the claim that anything you say must be seen as just what it should be, and perfect, just because you created it.

I’ve not attacked you, personally. Nor have I commented on your talent, writing ability, or how well you write. In fact, were I to see no hope there, I’d not have commented. And in my initial critique, I simply pointed out some problems that anyone you might submit this to would reject it for, and, I noted some good resources. That’s no big deal. You could have ignored the suggestions and moved on. You could have deleted the comment. But instead, you’ve been coming back, over and over, arguing that anything you choose to scribble is poetry, and needs to be respected as valuable self-expression. But as Rosanne Cash, the daughter of singer Johnny Cash observed, “Self-expression without craft is for toddlers.” In fact, you’ve not even bothered to read that intro to the basics of prosody that I recommended.

[Ana B.]

Jay, it seems you have too much time on your hands, even if you claimed otherwise.

[JayG]

So...you're saying that I claimed that I'm short of time? Seriously? So you're now making up your "facts," as a way to change the subject from your work?" You really think you can work sophistry and misdirection on on me? Naaa... Kid, I've been at the writing game for over 40 years, and I've seen this crap lots of times before.

And in any case, I'm retired. My manuscript critique business is closed, and I'm no longer in engineering. Just working on novel #29, and tossing a few poems up, for fun, here. So time isn't a concern. Though you might ask yourself why you, who need to change nothing, and learn nothing, can't get people to respond the way I, someone who, as you see it, only gives bad advice, does. After all, if you have nothing to learn, and are expressing yourself so beautifully...

But that, and you comment is irrelevant, because the subject is this poem, as it is on this day, and why it doesn't work for the reader, remember?

[Ana B.]

''In reality, someone you don't know took time they didn't have to give you'' - this is something that you wrote yourself, scroll back and refresh your memory.

I don't care how many years you have at writing. I've asked you many times to move your attention somewhere else, seems to me you are the one who can't stand it when someone doesn't agree with you. You said you ar enot attacking me personally, yet you basically compared my writing to masturbating in public, offended me in every possible way; called my writing predictable, limited, repetitive etc. And why? Just because I don't want to read the books you recommended? Because I don't want to evolve in the archaic direction you are pointing me? Does my writing cointain offending topics like racism, dicatorism, or sexual inuedos maybe? No.
So go teach your lesson to people who are invested in it or at least asked for it. I NEVER claimed I am a professional writer nor that I am striving there. It's my own damn business what I write about, and some people write for the reader, some just voice their feeling. So back the hell off.

[JayG]

• ''In reality, someone you don't know took time they didn't have to give you'' - this is something that you wrote yourself, scroll back and refresh your memory.

I see the problem. It's reading comprehension. I told you that I gave you time that I didn't have to—In other words, it was a gift. But you thought I was saying I was too busy to stop.

That explains a lot. Congratulations. You're the first one in forty years to get that wrong.

• I've asked you many times to move your attention somewhere else, seems to me you are the one who can't stand it when someone doesn't agree with you.

No, you've replied in a way that invited a response. Truthfully, I hoped you'd finally get pissed, read the things I suggested, and realize that a few changes would have people telling you they lived the whole poem, rather than admiring a line or a stanza.

• Just because I don't want to read the books you recommended?

No, because you've not read any. Though I have to say, that when someone makes a suggestion as to where I can find something that will improve my work, I look. Anything else is, "My mind is made up. Don't confuse me with facts."

• Because I don't want to evolve in the archaic direction you are pointing me? Given that you've not read what I suggested, how do you know what direction that is...unless you mean toward knowledge?

Before you can evolve you have to evolve into what you evolve from.

You can choose to reject all the knowledge that's been developed over the years.of course. But if you do, you are chosing the nonfiction approach to writing that's all we are given in school, over the skills of a poet. So instead of the poem knocking out the reader, you'll mostly get praise over a specific line, or a stanza.

Learning the swkills of the profession you're trying to practice is like chicken soup for a cold. It might not help, but it sure can't hurt.

[Ana B.]

''You're the first one in forty years to get that wrong.'' - I seriously doubt that. But I got to say you do love shoving those 40 years of writing in other people's faces, I told I don't care how much writing experience you have.
Because of people like you, individuals that want to choose a different path, make their own way and be different, well they're being discouraged and broken down; because if something doesn't match your standards and parameters you just can't let it exist in peace.

''Learning the swkills of the profession you're trying to practice is like chicken soup for a cold. It might not help, but it sure can't hurt.'' - that is true, but if you're allergic to the broth, oh it would hurt.

''you've replied in a way that invited a response'' - really? I asked you many times to back of already, and what do you do? You dissect my reply through phrases that give you something to cling to and find a responce just so that it would make you prove your point and feel superior. The thing is - we can do this indefinitely, because it's simple: what you're trying to sell I'm not willing to buy, period.

[JayG]

• But I got to say you do love shoving those 40 years of writing in other people's faces,

Only to children who believe high school gave them all the education they need, and expect gold stars on their papers for effort.

• Because of people like you, individuals that want to choose a different path...

Doctors don't skip school. Nor do Engineers, scientists, plumbers.

People who learn what they're doing get ten years worth of experience. Those who don't, get one years worth, repeated ten times. ALL professions are acquired in addition to the general skills we're given in school. That education doesn't guarantee success, but ignorance does guarantee failure. Prove me wrong. Sell something.

• but if you're allergic to the broth,

Ahh... so you're allergic to education? Interesting.

• well they're being discouraged and broken down;

Poor baby. Mean old Jay suggested that you take the time to learn a few tricks in a profession for which they offer degree programs at the university. But your massive brain needs no knowledge of what worked and didn't work for the greats of the past. You are an innovator, who can reinvent the wheel via hacing a massive brain, alone.

But...in the words of the prestidigitator fancifully named, Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs (OZ for short):

Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven't got: a diploma.

If you're magically reinventing poetry, without having to learn how and why it works, the proof will be in others noticing that...and you'll draw far more comments than my poorly written and conventially structured do.

Bottom line: If you have the skill needed to improve on existing poetry, you FIRST, need the ability excell in the field, so you truly understand what needs improvement. Scribbling what you care to, then demanding that it be honored as poetry BECAUSE it's "different." is laziness, not improvement.

But there is a way to silence all dissent. Close the commets window on your work and no one will ever say a word against it.

The alternative? Post a notice that says, "Praise only."

And, once again, you're changing the subject from what matters: This poem, as it stands on this day.

[Ana B.]

This is what you call education? Forcing someone to just agree with everything you think should be done? And if that doesn't happen we are all mediocre...riiight.

I'm not allergic to education, just to crusty old bats like you. I graduated school summa cum laude, I've got a master degree and english is not even my second spoken language, but third, so I definitely don't need pointers from you, who yet again are trying to prove a point that is of no interest to me. I sold my art, including poetry so f**k off.
Seems to me that poor old Jay can't stand it when he doesn't get his way and keeps coming back for more. Why should i delete the comment section?Let everyone see your arrogance that knows no boundaries. You mentioned before that respect is earned, not given - for people like you perhaps, but there is a notion out there, foreign for you it seems, called human decency, you know, when you treat someone with respect just because that person is a human being and already deserves it. I get it, my poem does not fit your taste, your sensitive 40 years of writing experience, therefore you feel compellet to ''help'' me, well, consider me a lost cause and find some other occupation than trolling me.

[Gee]

Jeepers that man is like an annoying wasp.
Surround yourself with Citronella m'dear :)

[Ana B.]

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks Gee, will definitely power up with Citronella :D

[JayG]

• This is what you call education? Forcing someone to just agree with everything you think should be done?

Hmm… “I said, the line should never be bent to the needs of the rhyme. In fact, the rhyming word should be the perfect one for the thought, and the rhyme seem almost accidental.”

Did my mentioning one of the most basic facts of structured poetry “force you to agree?” Naaa. You're definitely overacting.

I also pointed out that you mentioned an unknown “You,” in line one, but then forgot who you were talking to from then on, confusing the reader. Did I force you to believe that? Naaa. But you should have seen it, yourself. And it seems pretty tiny a thing to get yourself into such a huff over.

I mentioned that you’re not using stanzas, another basic of poetry, because it’s holding you back. Aren’t I awful to talk about what real poets use, and what will make your poetry easier to read? Have you been forced to believe that? Naaa. You really should think over what you say before pusing the post button, and act, not react.

And, I recommended a couple of well-known and useful sources of information on poetry technique. How dare I suggest that you might have something to learn?

And of most importance you’ve argued with not one of those points. You’ve not claimed that poetry without stanzas is better. You’ve also not said that I was wrong, and that the lines after the first were really a continuation of you talking to that unknown “you.”

Instead, you’ve whined that I’m a terrible person for suggesting that you’re less than perfect. Everythig I said after that critique was a response to your use of sophistry and misdirection. So if you want to place blame, look in the mirror.

And that’s the real problem, you can’t handle the same kind of critique that 19 people this year, alone, have thanked me for.

The attitude that admitting to have been less than perfect must be avoided at all costs has painted you into a corner. Give yourself the right to screw up, because, mostly, the mistakes we make are due to a lack of experience. And we gain experience by making mistakes. But of more importance, if mistakes are a ladder toward perfection, a bit of education is an escalator. You should try it. Because at this point, you’re angry, and simply lashing out. And because you are, you’re making a lot more mistakes, in public, than you did in that poem.

[Ana B.]

Seems we're going around and around.
I replied to you right away but thanking for your time and your review. I admitted that my poem is not perfect, also right away. But, i hinted more than once that i'm not going to change my style, and you seem to have a problem with that. Your vanity cannot stand it when other people are firm in their opinion, because let's be honest here - you wanted me to fall on my knees and thank you, ''oh the gracious one, for sharing your knowledge with me''. But thank you for what? Being an arrogant, pompous insufferable person? No thank you.

[JayG]

Golly, was it something I said? Here you are, attacking me for suggesting you learn a bit more about how the pros write poetry, and you take that as a deadly insult.

You act as if I'M telling you how to write poetry, instead of pointing you to the things you'd learn were you to actually study the subject.

I guess it's harder to see from that high horse you've mounted.
- - - - -
API - 4/8/2022 - For general release

Once again, a desiccated equine was found lying next to the spring at the Writers Cafe clubhouse.

An autopsy showed no physical problems, and it appears that the creature, who had apparently been led to the area, simply chose not to drink.

This is the latest in a string of baffling deaths of the same type, stretching back for years.

[Ana B.]

I don't know how many times to tell that I'm not interested in your suggestions. It seems you are being deliberately obtuse just to continue saying the same thing repeatedly and imposing your statement. Well, here your pointers are not appreciated, so find something better to do than to pester me so insistenly. I told you that we can do this indefinitely, the question is, will we?