Repetition

Be still my brittle heart,

Caught up in the rhapsody of blue…

Unyielding… my fateful rampart

In this coda that’s so overdue.

 

And as the puckered clouds

Watch over me

They hastily take off their gowns - 

The morsels of that ravaged ancestry…

 

And naked truths make themselves known

For those happy few…

Like a hot breath vibrating on my collarbone

Yanking my dissolute thoughts… yet here they regrew

 

 

Dreamers…they never learn…

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Coda - an ending part of a piece of music or a work of literature or drama

Reviews

[Falcon1]

Be still and know I am he I am God Jesus the savior Love and kindness is his ways believe in him and be saved.

[Anand Sehgal]

An honest, frank and bold write :) keep up the good work :)

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[Ana B.]

Thank you Anand :)

[Seriana]

Beautiful descriptive phrases with a raw undertone that I love. Glad I stumbled upon this!

[Ana B.]

Thank you very much Seriana :)

[barleygirl]

Your well-crafted descriptions are unexpected & thought-provoking. I don't always understand the full extent of your message, but I love the way you express yourself in such original terms! (((HUGS))) fondly, Margie

[Ana B.]

As ever, you are too kind to me. Thank you a lot Margie :) hugs

[Amber]

I loved that line, 'be still my brittle heart, caught up in the rhapsody of blue.' This piece was perfectly expressed. Great job, hope you keep writing.

[Ana B.]

Thank you for the warm words Amber :)

[LylaCrystal]

I love your poem so much. For a few moments, I imagined how it would sound on a musical background. Congratulations for the good work! :)

~Lyla

[Ana B.]

Thank you very much Lyla :)

[Kesha]

Wow I really loved that last line "dreamers, they never learn" ain't that the truth! Haha but I do not regret being a dreamer myself, and neither should you :) this is a great piece!

[Ana B.]

Thank you very much dear Kesha :)

[Kesha]

You're welcome!

[Abraham George]

beautiful way of expressions and those words are perfectly placed.

thanks for sharing this.

[Ana B.]

Thank you dear Abraham :)

[Ethan]

So first, cut the word "way." It's a filler word like "I just really." They're overused and they've lost their effect.

Second, though clouds and gowns sound similar, they don't rhyme. You could either replace this stanza, or you could throw in an interesting third "ee" rhyme by switching the sentence up like so:

"And as the puckered clouds
Watch over me
They take off their gowns hastily -
The morsels of that ravaged ancestry…"

Though clouds is unresolved, the reader's ear forgets by the time you get to the last line of the stanza.

Lastly, "back they regrew" is redundant. "Regrew" already implies that the thoughts grew back. "Yet back they grew" makes more sense and it sets up some iambic feet for you.

This is still a great poem, those were just some of the things I noticed.

[Tony Jordan]

I disagree. The similarities of the sound of the words 'cloud' and 'gown' is more than enough to carry the flow.

[Ethan]

Certainly, that would be fine if there were other instances in which the poet used things like that, but for a strict AB form they don't technically rhyme.

[Tony Jordan]

Well as it stands, personally speaking 'although clouds is unresolved, the reader's ear (i.e. mine) forgets by the time you get to the last line of the stanza.'

[Ethan]

The problem is not "clouds," it's really "gowns" because that is the word that's out of place. You're right, the ear would forget about "clouds," but "gowns" calls attention to the fact that it doesn't rhyme. That's why i suggested breaking the AB form and adding a triple rhyme at the end.

[rowan.taylorrr]

I love this so much, I love your beautiful wording.

[Ana B.]

Thank you a lot :)