Late Night Stalls

 

*

As long as your blueprint remains etched
within the frameworks of my brain,
like a million shards of broken glass
embedded between the carpet,
you will be the only existance
between this pen and paper.

*

A bursting sun
                      falls
                              off
                                  the tip of your cigarette,
cradled         naturally                    your
             _so_               _between_        _fingertips.
I BURN with a quick sting of envy
as your lips touch the filter.

 

Inhaling the nicotine that will make it closer
to being apartofyou than I ever was,
or ever could have been.

Author's Note

Two different intros to something I may work with later. I don't usually use that kind of format when displaying my stuff, so let me know what you think of the broken up sentences, and what kind of effect it had on you.

Reviews

[Eagle Cruagh]

CONTENT !

Sorry ! I don`t even look at a girl`s photos until I know
her----my point----It is the content that matters.

I think you wrote a nice poem with a quirky message
and it was nicely constructed, but the format does not
matter to me.

You did very well and you rate at 100 %

----- Eagle Cruagh

[TheSaint]

There it is
buried fo(u)r years
- yet alive.

The love you always
had within
needed time to
germinate.

Its spring.
Your spring.

And as you dare
to wipe off the
anticipated hurt
that came with love
the seed turns
into your dearest
dream - if you dare.

The Saint

[DavidRyan]

The format is brilliant. Don't even worry about that. Even I would have never came up with that. It's insane when you let your mind take over what you're writing and form it how the words look in your mind's eye. I should have written this actually : ) I like how you broke it up into two intros -- two completely different feels. I don't think you should tweak with this at all. If anything, add to it, but definitely don't subtract. But, like I said, I think, as it is, it's perfect. Those two lines could stand alone and still be flawless. *Please don't edit*

[Nathan Noble]

i liked the first but i thought the second was just amazing. it reminded me of a song i heard once,

"I can hardly stand the sight of lipstick
on the cigarettes there in the ashtray.
Lying cold the way you left them,
but at least your lips caressed them
while you packed.
Or the lip print on a half-filled cup
of coffee that you poured
and didn't drink.
But at least you thought you wanted it
which is so much more than I can say for me."

but you dont care about that hah. it has great imagery and i really enjoyed it.

[.]

I personally preferred the first intro to the second one. The only reason for this is that I fond the images in the first part to grab my attention more. Beginning with the blueprint was interesting, and I think there is more you can do with that image if you wanted. Now the second into is not bad at all. The only issue that I have with it is that cigarette images have been used quite frequently, so when they are used now, there has to be something unique about the image that allows it to stand out. Otherwise the reader will gloss over the image rather than internalize it. When I read it, the first thought that came to me was, "wouldn't it be interesting if the burning ash fell into the speaker's eye." It only popped into my head because I think it keeps what you're going for, which is burning and envy, plays in the "apple of your eye" idea, and makes it a little more physical. Of course it could be too physical and violent and you think the whole idea is garbage. And that's ok. But I think if you added in some more interesting imagery to the second intro, it could be much stronger and lead to more places, allowing the reader to get involved in your story. That's only my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. I hope it helps, and If you'd like me to clarify anything or I didn't make any sense, feel free to drop a line.