Donald Trump and the Airplane Ninjas from the Dark Shadows

I just wanted something to get me started writing again. And bashing Trump is always easy for me. I don't know if this is any good or not.

Donald Trump and the Airplane Ninjas from the Dark Shadows

Donald Trump was in a foul mood. He had let slip the simple fact that people who joined the armed forces were “Suckers”, and that the guys who got killed in war were “Losers”, and now everyone was being mean to him. And this time it really was everyone, even Fox News was refusing to spin the story for him.

“Well they are suckers”, Trump fumed to himself, “Who wants to clean latrines and get yelled at for starvation wages?”.

“And the guys who get killed really are losers”, he continued, “How can you lose worse than getting killed? The damn liberals just have no sense of logic”.

There was a knock at the door, an aide was there with a cart full of Big Macs, orders of fries and several large pieces of chocolate cake.

“Your late night snack sir”, said the aide.

“Yes, yes, park it over there by the bed. Where I can reach it.”

When the aide left, Donald climbed into bed, and reached for the comfort of the first Big Mac and order of fries. He flipped on one of his televisions and cycled through the channels to Fox News. Earlier that day he had resolved to never again watch Fox News, after they contradicted his story that he never said what he said about the military. But old habits die hard.

A Fox anchor was interviewing a greasy looking fat guy with a scraggly beard and a Hawaiian shirt. He wore camo tactical body armor over the shirt and had an AR-15 hanging from his chest.

“Under the Constitution, them black people, they ain't got no rat to gather an' assemble an' protest an' riot and stuff”, he said.

Trump was interested in this legal theory and he leaned forward to watch. To see better, he turned off the bedside lamp which was being reflected in the TV screen. This caused the dresser to cast a deep, dark shadow across the far side of the room.

“Protestin' while black is jest plain unconstitutional an' our group, The Prayerful Order of Southern American Viking Patriots, plans to adjudicate this matter by Second Amendment means. An' we gots a constitutional rat ta do so. An' everyone knows that 'cept librul snowflakes.”

Trump raptly watched this segment. Fox wasn't blathering on about him dissing the army guys and was instead showing something useful and interesting.

Next up was an interview with Jim Jordan discussing his plan for issuing Ruger single action revolvers to the grade school children in his Ohio district.

“Now they can protect themselves from school shooters”, he explained, “And the single action revolvers are better for the little tykes. The Ruger models have a transfer bar that prevents them from going off if a kid drops one on the hammer. What could be safer?”

Again, Trump was captivated by the beautiful logic and watched intently.

Trump was just opening his forth Big Mac when two strange figures stepped out of the dark shadow cast by the dresser. They wore baggy black pants and shirts and a black bandanna covered their faces. They each carried a long and a short sword and, on their heads, they were wearing what appeared to be WW1 leather flight helmets with googles pushed up on the forehead. At their waists hung mesh bags that appeared to be filled with cans of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup.

“What the hell are you”, a startled Trump shouted as he jumped back on the bed.

He knew there was no door where the two figures had emerged. Just a blank wall.

“We are Airplane Ninjas”, the first figure replied.

“From the Dark Shadows”, the second continued.

“Are you afraid?” The first figure Asked.

“Only an idiot would say he wasn't afraid”, the second figure continued.

I'm not afraid”, said Donald Trump.

“I knew you would say that.”

“Why are you here”, Donald Trump demanded.

“We need to speak with you”, the first figure replied.

“We're going to help you give press conference tomorrow that will snap the news cycle off your remarks about the military. You know, losers and suckers?”, the second added.

“I already tried that, and it didn't work”, Trump replied.

“Well, we can do better.”

“How do I know that?” Trump asked.

“We, as you said, we control Joe Biden, and he is whipping your a*s off right now”, the first figure replied. “Wouldn't you like us on your side instead?”

“What do I have to do?” Trump asked.

“Just set up a press conference for tomorrow afternoon and then wait in a place with a dark shadow that we can emerge from.”

“When will you come?”

“An hour before the conference”, the first figure replied.

“What am I supposed to say at the conference?” Donald asked.

“We will handle that”, the second figure replied, as the two turned and vanished into the dark shadow.

Trump sat on the bed dazed. On Fox News, Devin Nunes was babbling about a lawsuit against a cow that posted on Twitter.

The next day, Trump spent the morning setting up the press conference, scheduled for 4:00 PM that day in the Oval Office. At a quarter to three, he turned off the lights in the Oval Office closet and lit a candle at one end, causing a filing cabinet to cast a deep, dark shadow against one wall. Promptly at three, the two Airplane Ninjas stepped out of the dark shadow.

“You best head to make-up and get ready for the presser”, said the first.

“I thought you were going to coach me on what to say”, Trump replied.

“No need for that”, said the second Airplane Ninja, “We can lead you through it live from here in the closet”.

Donald Trump wasn't completely convinced and hesitated.

“Look, you're not going to die up there”, said the first, “If worst comes to worst, you can just make up some bullshit about Obama's birth certificate and say it was just discovered.”

“Yeah, you're good at that”, replied the second. “But don't worry, we'll come though.”

“And don't sit behind the desk”, said the first, “Have them set up a mic where you will be fully visible. No podium either.”

Somewhat worried, Trump headed to make-up while rehearsing a story in his head where it was just discovered that Obama's birth certificate was working closely with Ghislaine Maxwell and Hillary Clinton to launch a child sex ring out of the Comet Ping Pong Pizza Parlor basement.

“Burnt Sienna”, Trump said, as the make-up lady presented a tray with the various shades of orange on it, “This is a serious occasion and a darker shade of orange is warranted.”

And with this, the make-up lady dutifully painted the burnt sienna color on Trump's face, leaving only the areas around Trump's mouth and eyes white and pasty looking.

Returning to the oval office, Trump was happy to see that a simple microphone and stand had been placed before the Oval Office desk. It was ten minutes before airtime, and he was going over how he would link Biden to the child sex ring plot hatched by Obama's birth certificate, when he suddenly lost control of his motor functions. He didn't fall, he just couldn't move anymore.

“I'm going to be in the closet checking over some notes”, Trump heard himself say, “I want to come out of the close and walk to the mic, but don't film me coming out of the closet. That looks silly. Just film me approaching the mic.”

“Will do”, said the camera man.

Trump them found himself walking to the closet, stepping inside and closing the door. The candle still burned and the two Airplane Ninjas were there.

Trump was then shocked to find himself disrobing. With less than ten minutes to airtime. Off came his pants, shirt, shoes, socks and underwear until Trump was buck naked. He was unable to stop or object. All motor control was gone.

“Ten seconds President Trump”, a voice from beyond the closet door called.

Trump felt himself open the closet door and saunter toward the microphone. There were gasps from the White House press corps behind the camera man. Trump was covered with rolls of fat and pasty white, highlighting the burnt sienna mask that make-up had painted on his face. His actual weenie, being small, was easily hidden by a swinging roll of stomach flab.

Trump heard himself began:“Good evening, I am here to talk about a couple of important matters this evening. First, Joe Biden is a 40 foot tall, hollow wooden pelican, full of socialists, who is controlled by soup throwing Airplane Ninjas from the Dark Shadows. Mentally, he is not all here, and all you have to do is listen to the weird things he says to see this.”

He continued: “And wearing a mask in a place business infringes upon our freedom. And the liberal response is that, 'Well, you have to wear a shirt, shoes and pants in the business, so why not a mask?'. And I say you don't have to wear a shirt, shoes, pants - or a mask - in a business, and that is why I am standing here this way tonight.”

Here, there was a short round of applause from the Fox News and OANN correspondents.

“I'll be taking no questions tonight”, Trump heard himself say and he felt himself turn and head back to the Oval Office closet. Entering the closet, he felt his motor control return.

As he dressed, Trump said, “I really didn't trust you two, but I have to admit, that was a pretty good address.”

“We thought so too”, said one of the Ninjas as they vanished into the dark shadow.

That night, Fox News, and the comments on the Fox News and Bretibart websites went wild. Freedom loving patriots screamed that no one was going to force them to put on pants and a shirt, much less shoes. And you could just forget about the mask.

And the next day, Lowes, Home Depot and various red neck bars were treated to the site of freedom loving patriots entering, or trying to enter, wearing nothing but their MAGA hats. In a week, a case was wending it's way to the Supreme Court where a guy argued that being nude in the gun shop was not indecent exposure because a roll of belly fat hung down and hid his dick.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Oh, my, you are sooo mean to the donald. Well, he deserves it and more. Very clever and funny, I enjoyed it a lot. This reminds me of when Obama was President, someone said, "If Obama told us not to eat yellow snow, there'd be millions of right-wingers eating it by the bucket loads."

[Miss Fedelm]

I am going to make that yellow snow thing into a graphic and post it all over Breitbart.