Mike Pence Turns Into a Coat Hanger

Pence has been in the news all day and this just popped out.

Mike Pence Turns Into a Coat Hanger

Mike Pence woke one Sunday morning and tried to rise from his bed. But he couldn't. His arms and legs seemed to be gone, and he felt he was much smaller than he had been when he went to bed the night before. He strained his eyes to look down at his body, but could see nothing. His eyes would not roll that far down. He couldn't move at all and this was terrifying.

After a couple of hours, Karen, his wife, and Charlotte, his twenty-four year old daughter, entered the bedroom.

“No, he's not in here either”, Karen said.

“I can't imagine where he could be”, Charlotte replied.

From the bed Mike Pence screamed, “Help Me!!”.

Both Charlotte and Karen stopped and cocked their ears.

“Did you just hear dad?” Asked Charlotte.”

“I don't know”, Karen replied. “I thought I did. Very faintly.”

While Charlotte was looking under the bed, the cry came again.

“Charlotte, it's coming from this coat hanger. The one on the bed here.”

“What?” Said Charlotte. “Is it a radio?”

Karen picked up the coat hanger and both women put their ears near to it.

“Help me! I woke up this way. I don't now what happened to me!”

“It sounds like dad”, said Charlotte.

“It does”, Karen answered. “Mike, where are you and why are you using this coat hanger to talk to us?”

“This is me! Put me down!” The coat hanger screamed in a tiny voice.

“You're this coat hanger?” Karen asked.

“Yes!”

“Dad, did you die? Are you haunting this coat hanger?” Charlotte asked.

“No!”

“Good”, said Karen. “I'm already as busy as can be and really don't have time for a state funeral now.”

“Well this is funny”, said Charlotte. “If dad thought he was a coat hanger, then he'd just be crazy. But what about a coat hanger that thinks he's dad?”

“I have no idea”, said Karen. “Let's take him to Walter Reed and see what they think.”

Two days latter, after a battery of tests had been completed, Karen and Charlotte met with a group of doctors in a large, oak paneled conference room. The coat hanger sat in the middle of the conference room table.

The lead surgeon cleared his throat and then began.

“Mrs. Pence, I'm very sorry, but it's exactly as we suspected when you first came in. Mr. Pence has turned into a coat hanger.”

“Oh my God!”, both Karen and Charlotte gasped at once.

“Yes”, the doctor replied. “I felt it best to spare the sugar coating and give it to you as directly as I could.”

“Thank you doctor”, Mrs. Pence sniffled. “But how did this happen?”

“It comes from spending a lifetime in the closet”, said the doctor. “The body eventually begins to adapt to forms generally found in a closet. In the last case I saw, the guy had turned into a shoe rack.”

“But Doctor, is there any cure?” Karen asked. “Can you help him?”

“He can be treated, and perhaps cured, but we cannot say anything for certain at this point.”

“How does it work?” Asked Karen.

“On the first Tuesday before Halloween there will be the High Heel Drag Race down 17^th Street here in DC. Afterwards, there will be many parties in the 17^th Street area. At that time we will try what we call the 'Jacuzzi Cure'” Replied the doctor.

“And how does that work?” Asked Mrs. Pence.

“Well, first the coat hanger will be soaked in a thirty percent alcohol solution until it is quite intoxicated. It will then be placed in a box and exposed to dense marijuana smoke for a period of one half hour. It will then be exposed to an MDMA solution until it is high as a kite. And then it will be tossed into the jacuzzi, naked, with a bunch of hunky guys it doesn't know. The goal is to draw your husband out of the closet.”

The day of the High Heel Drag Race arrived and the coat hanger was prepped for the cure. It was taken to a party at a 1930's condo complex at the end of 17^th Street, one that resembled an Egyptian temple. The alcohol, marijuana MDMA baths were given and the hanger was tossed into the jacuzzi. Returning a few hours later, the doctors found a somewhat hung over, but otherwise perfectly normal, Mike Pence sitting in the jacuzzi. Dressing him in a bathrobe, they returned him to Walter Reed.

His wife and daughter were both overjoyed to see him.

“Mike, it's so good to have you back”, Karen said. “Let's go out and celebrate.”

“Where”, Mike Pence asked.

“Maybe at the prime rib place you like”, Karen suggested.

“No, no big hunks of meat for me”, said Mike. “Let's go to a vegetarian place. Someplace with lots of fiber. I think my bowel movements are going to be a little painful for a while.”