The Woman Within the Looking Glass (Excerpt)

This is a possible hook for a novel I'm working on.

It was raining once again. It seemed to rain more in this quiet area of Winchester than in London. She stood alone at the gravestone of her late father. Even though it ha been 2 months since his untimely death, Marie still felt the pain in her heart like it had happened that morning. She remembered the surge of sadness and tears when she found him: slumped over in his chair in his study, a knife embedded in his chest and a handwritten note saying 'Farewell'. She felt lost without him. Hopeless that things would never be the same without him. While it seemed  her family had moved on, Marie was still mourning. She had no appetite, no energy, and either slept most of the day away when there was nothing planned or stay awake during the night, trying to sleep.

"My lady," the maid said walking to the young adult with an open umbrella, "Let us return before you catch ill." Simply nodding, Marie walked to the waiting carriage with the maid in tow.

Author's Note

What do you think of this hook?

Reviews

[Mathias Winters]

All of this seems to be coming a bit fast. You appear to have defined the character in one paragraph, overwhelming the reader with information that they can't process all at once. Try not giving everything about the character away in the opening paragraph. The hook is good, with the knife with the note saying "farewell", but otherwise there is too much information here, and it should be spaced out so that we learn more about the character as the story proceeds. That's just my opinion though. I like the story idea so far.

[KissDaPoet]

I enjoyed it.......... I want more Peace & Blessings

[Rois]

I love the artful simplicity of the first sentence. I like the hook overall. I would, however consider adding two things: a physical description of Marie and an explanation for her unusually prolonged mourning. The physical description need not be exhaustive; it could be a phrase that describes how she shifts her bustle to sit in the carriage or a reference to the color and texture of the hair that becomes sodden in the foul weather. The explanation about the mourning will let the reader know why Marie loved and needed her father so much. What role did he play in nourishing her emotionally? Were they bound by a secret of some kind? Adding these elements will set your hook apart from generic stories of grief and loss. Your writing is a pleasure to read.

[Cassie Fraga]

well it held my attention so far... far enough for me to want more so thats always good!!! keep going, I think this is great!!

[Mashairi]

Very well written. Makes me curious for more :)

[Hellen]

Really nice. A great start, looking forward to reading more.

[sts.]

So far, so good. Keep at it and keep me posted...

[¥Miss.¥ §M..]

I like it, it really makes me wonder what happened. I would definitely keep reading.

[EMF]

Interesting hook, enough to make me want to read more. enough mystery and drama with a hint of romanticism. I liked it.

[J Todd Underhill]

I would call this an excellent beginning, would like to read more on this, so yes I am hooked!