Untitled 1 (Any Suggestions?)

This was one of my impromptu exercises, not too structured, feel free to give criticism, I do not take offense! LOL (So many people do!)

something amazing has come my direction
something inside me is begging to say
how i feel inside when you come my way
how do i put it
so others can see
my love for you
and how its deeper than the deepest seas
i wonder sometimes why i feel like this inside
and then i make a wish and close my eyes
then there beside me you will lie
my lover for always
in your arms i no longer cry
in your embrace i is where i now reside
no longer alone in this twisted reality
here with you is no longer a tradgedy
but a safe place to grow and become
the beautiful people that were almost none

(C) 2007

Reviews

[Ravenskald]

this is anice piece and has a nice internal rhythym almost joyful, what follows is just my suggestion to tidy some of the rhthyms up. This is a very nice piece of work !

Light edit follows (you did say you don't take offense ! ( and only a suggestion!)

Something amazing has come my direction
Something inside me is begging to say
How i feel inside, when you come my way
How do i put it, so others can see
My love for you, the deepest seas
I wonder sometimes why i feel this inside
Then make a wish and close my eyes
Then there beside me you will lie
My lover for always, no longer cry
In your embrace is where I reside
No longer alone in reality
With you is no longer a tragedy
But a safe place to grow and become
The beautiful, that were almost none

[universalove]

this is really nice to have and understand somebody spirit that you can share. so hold on tight for the ride. cause bliss comes and goes. i enjoyed the poem.