Chapter 43 [Kris]

I’m lying in bed with Charlotte, but all I can think about is Ana. Ana… I miss her so much. I love her so much… I keep thinking about how we met. It had to be fate. She turned my whole life around… supported me when I was trying to be sober… Took care of me… If it were anyone else sitting on that bench, my life would have been completely different.

            I remember that day so vividly.

            Celia was sitting with me on the couch at my apartment. We were just smoking some weed because we didn’t have enough money to get anything else.

            “Kris… I wanna break up.” She told me, nonchalantly, right after she professionally smoked the last of our roach. I just laughed, because I thought she was kidding.

             “Thanks for the weed though.” She said. She patted me on the thigh, and stood up.

            “Wait… what the hell?” I said, confused

.

            “I’m just done with this relationship. Sorry.” She said, smirking at me. I was confused… it didn’t seem real. And I was blazed as f**k, too.

            “You’re really doing this right now?” I say, standing. “And right after I smoked you up, too.”

            “I’m not going to pass up a nice joint Kris. Sorry, hun.” She said, and headed for the door. My stomach dropped. Her blonde mane hit me in the face as she turned around. I advanced toward her and grabbed her arm.

            “You can’t do that.” I said, aggressively. I hate myself for being so threatening…

            “Yes I can.” She said, starring me down. I got tears in my eyes.

            “No, b***h. You’re going to stay here. This is bullshit.” I suddenly said, my voice growing louder and louder.

            She pushed her arm away from me, and I released my grip on her.

            “What are you going to do about it? You just f*****g cheat on me anyway… Why the f**k do you want me anyway?” She yelled at me, trying to get in my face. I looked down at her with greedy, fiery eyes. I stood close to her, towering over her.

            “I love you.” I said. Not in a sweet way, or even in a loving way, no, it was pure greed and possessiveness.

            “F**k off, Kris.” Celia said, turning away from me.

            “I dare you to f*****g leave.” I said.

            “What? Are you going to hit me? Do it!” Celia taunted me. “Be like all the other men in my life.”

            Those words really strung.

            I started to cry more. “Celia… come on. I’m sorry. I love you.” She shook her head, and slowly walked back out of the house.

            “Fine, go!” I screamed after her, crying. I was embarrassed. I fell to my knees, dramatically. I hit myself, hard, right in the head. It was raining outside. I hoped Celia would f*****g drown.

            I went outside for a walk… I walked through the park.

“Is that the rain?” I heard a voice say. It made me jump.

And that’s how it all began…

 

“Mm, It’s so weird being in bed with someone besides Kale.” Charlotte inquires, as her head lies on my shoulder and she draws circles with her fingers on my stomach. I rub her arm and can feel goose bumps on her pale skin.

“I bet.” I say, not sure how to respond. I really do like Charlotte, but I miss Ana so much…

“You’re so handsome.” She tells me. I smile, a pale pink rising into my cheeks.

“You have beautiful muscles…” she says, her fingers tracing the packs of my stomach. She looks up at my face. “And vibrant eyes. And that white, straight smile… you’re so cute.” She strokes my cheek.

“I’m cute? Baby, you’re the cute one. You’re Angelina Jolie, I’m Christopher Walkin.” I say, my finger nails softly scratching her soft skin.

She laughs. “No way. You’re James Dean, I’m Rosie O’Donnell.”

We both laugh. I run my fingers through her beautiful wavy, full hair.

            “I love you.” She tells me.

            S**t.

            That’s when I realize what I’m really getting myself into right now.

            I’m with a young girl, with no self confidence and an eating disorder, who has an under developed personality, so dependant on her boyfriend that she actually started to develop his accent. The girl actually DIED for him… This won’t be a normal relationship. I mean, I’m pretty sure he has verbally abused her, and she has to have some developmental disorder. Is it my turn to be her protector?

            I thought it was different when we died, but it isn’t. This poor little girl died and she still has to deal with all these problems she had. She can’t relax, take everything in, she has s**t to deal with.

            Maybe Ana wasn’t my true love, maybe I wasn’t meant to live, maybe I was meant to die so I could protect Charlotte? I don’t know…

            I just feel as though I didn’t do anything with my life. Sure, I made Ana happy, but was that my purpose? I wouldn’t take anything back honestly. But looking back… I just feel so insignificant. Maybe it’s us insignificant guys that deserve to die. Maybe that’s our purpose to serve? Maybe my purpose isn’t to help Charlotte; maybe it’s to help people in general. I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that I can bring people into their loved one’s dreams. No, though… That couldn’t be it, last time I did it, the girl I helped got in trouble. These are just ideas though… I could be way off. I don’t know what to make of… anything.

            “Charlotte… I don’t want to say that yet, okay babe?” I tell her. F**k, that’s an a*****e thing to say… I wish I had something better to say. She doesn’t say anything, but she sits up, and coughs. One of those coughs where you don’t actually have to cough, but you have to do something or else you’ll burst out crying.

            “I don’t mean it like that baby. I just… I want to do right by you.” I tell her. I sit up, too, and stroke her hair. I tell her everything that I was just thinking of. I guess if I want to do right by her I can’t lie or keep anything to myself. I won’t treat her like a child.

            She’s quiet for a while, thinking.

            I break the silence. “I like you so much. I don’t want to bullshit you. I want to have a real adult relationship. I’m going to help you, baby. I want to help heal you from all your s**t.” I tell her, still stroking her hair. I just told her to her face that I think she has huge problems… I don’t think that helped. F**k…

            “No one’s ever been so brave…” She says, trailing off.

            “What?” I ask. I heard her, I don’t know why I said what…

            “Kris,” She turns to me, “You don’t know hard it’s going to be, not being able to say I love you. No one’s ever been so brave… been so brave to tell me I need help.”

            She starts to cry. S**t, that actually worked? I think I probably would have been mad at her if she told me what I just told her. To find out that the man she loved, who she was so dependant on, messed her up so bad… That can’t be easy. And yet she so humbly, so truly, so courageously takes it. She isn’t a child. This beautiful creature is a woman. Somewhere inside her she is at least, and it’s showing now. I want to find her womanhood, and completely dig it out of all the years of shame and low self-esteem.

            “I…” She stutters between sobs. I wrap one arm around her and she cries into my shoulder. “I’ve never felt to healthy… so mentally healthy!”

            I almost smile, because she’s so cute, but I don’t want to seem like what she’s saying isn’t valid. I lift her chin and look straight into those forest eyes.

            “Someday, baby, I want you to take being emotionally healthy for granite. Someday, I hope you’ll know healthy as normal, as familiar.”

            She cries more. I think she gets what I’m saying, even though it sounds weird. I think that people, especially people so young, shouldn’t have to think so much about their happiness. It’s so unfair that emotional stability is so out of the ordinary.

            “I don’t want to replace Ana.” She says quietly.

            “I’ll always love Ana, but I can’t see her now, and that’s that. I’m going to try my hardest not to compare you to.”

            Could it be that Ana is my true love, just not my only true love? Does it even count after death?