Chapter 4 [ANA POV]

 

I am nervous as hell, but Kris’ sign makes me feel a little better. It had to be him. He wouldn’t ignore me! I arrive at the small house. I’m shaking. A lot. I walk to the door and push in the doorbell.

“Coming!” Kris’ mother yells in a high voice. Her name is Tommy. Yes, that is a boy name. But I kind of think that’s a cool name for a girl. Tommy is very protective of Kris. But we do get along quite well. She hates his past girlfriends. Celia, in particular.

She answers the door. Her face looks mad. She stares at me. Then, she slaps me across the face, as hard as possible. I feel my lip start to bleed. But the slap doesn’t hurt physically. I feel numb to pain. Busting my lip is familiar. It’s happened countless times. I’ve felt the humiliation of showing my pain to the public, countless times. All by people I thought I loved. Now I realize that I’m crying. The first time in two months. And Tommy’s cries, too. Her face is beet red. She suddenly hugs me.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not your fault,” She tells me.

“You don’t have to apologize” I reassure her. I’ve never seen her such a mess.

“The memorial’s tomorrow,” She tells me, as we sit on her blue sofa. I had no clue. S**t.

“Will Celia be there?” I ask.

“That b***h shouldn’t show her face anywhere around here ever again, but I bet she will come, yes.” She tells me. Although I don’t like calling people b*****s, but Celia deserves the title. Kris tried to kill himself 3 different times because of her. She did a lot of drugs for which she didn’t pay for, causing people to go after Kris.

“I heard how it happened, how the man survived,” Tommy explains. “I also hear he wants to come to the memorial.” I feel angry now.

“But… w-why would he come? This was partly his fault!” I didn’t want to blame it all on him.

“Partly? This was all his fault!” She says.

“Well Tommy, this might sound stupid… or something, but I think it was my fault, too.”  For a long time she doesn’t speak. She looks mad, still, but not at me.

“How is this your fault?” she finally says.

“If I hadn’t tried to save that guy, Kris wouldn’t have died,” I say. She smiles.

“Think about what your saying dear, it would have been horrible if you hadn’t tried to help, guilt would have took over you. I know how you are.” She says. I suddenly have the urge to leave. I wonder how my face looks.

“I should go,” I say. She knows I probably should. We hug, say our goodbyes, and then I leave.

I think it’s true what they say. No good deed goes unpunished. When I try to help people, bad things happen. No more. No f*****g more. I’ll be bad from now on. If you set low expectations you won’t get hurt. I’m tired of getting hurt.

I drive to the police mans house, the one that was trying to comfort me when Kris first died. I had talked to him briefly before; he flirted with me, and gave me his address. I ring the doorbell and he gets to the door right away.

   “How can I help you ma’am?” He says, looking innocent and sweet. His name is Justin. I stare at him. His hair is blonde, and he’s very good looking. I kiss him. He kisses me back. I put my hands on his broad shoulders and he puts his hands on my hips.

He’s a sloppy kisser, not like Kris. If this was Kris and I right now, He would have been stroking my hair and caressing me. This feels so wrong, I hate it. But I can’t stop, for some reason. I feel like such a w***e. And Justin feels like a little boy to me. He isn’t smart. He’s clueless, and most likely gay. Still, I feel the need for him. I spend the rest of the night at his house. Mostly sleeping. He lasted all of two minutes. I long to lay my face on Kris’ chest but I’ll have to make do with Justin’s. I feel so ashamed.

Reviews

[snopadelic]

Very sad but honest too