My Secret

Names have been changed.

I met him on a bridge (I refer to him in real life to my family as Fuckface). He was drunk. I found it repulsive. However, I did not find him repulsive. I'd heard of him before. He was a close friend of mines best friend. I could tell immediately that he was ignorant, stupid, selfish and conceited. He wasn't very attractive either. And yet I found myself oddly attracted to him. That night, my friends found out that I had lied about smoking pot, but soon after I really did begin to smoke an outrageous amount and found myself to be in a THC induced haze the majority of the time. But that's a different story. I talked to him one time after that meeting, for about 10 minutes. 

After a few months had passed I was trying to contact my friend (the one who introduced Fuckface and I) but to no avail. So in a desperate attempt to get ahold of him, I messaged Fuckface and asked if he knew where our friend (let's call him Bear, because he looks like one) Bear was. He replied telling me that he was at another girl's house and had no way of communicating with me. I said thank you to which he replied with "Yup." I don't know why but for some unknown reason I began to have a panic attack and typed out a few paragraphs about how I didn't want to bother him and how I felt inferior like he was some scary god I should fear and that I was just going to leave him alone now. I guess he found it amusing because he laughed and asked me what I was doing. And that's when it started.

We began talking frequently, he'd hit on me, and I remained in my shell and played coy. Although I suffer from anxiety (and multiple other mental illnesses), I have gotten pretty good at hiding it. I've come to the point where I can come across as confident and bubbly and happy, even when I'm not. But not with Fuckface. I was very much aware of the anger he possessed and in all honesty, this 16 year old, 6' 2" kid scared the absolute s**t out of me. But once again, I was always attracted to him.

It puzzled me, the attraction we felt towards one another.