Time of Dying

suicidal thoughts of a young girl. Unable to deal with the pain she feels she has caused.

            The room is black. The silence is deadly. Everything is deadly in this world. Yet I wait for the warmth. I listen. I wonder when it will come. The warmth of it flowing from my wrists, falling to the floor *drip* *drip*. The sensation sparks feelings inside me of wishing I won’t be spared and that the lifelessness that takes over the dead resigns over me. I feel it its moving  faster now, I wait for the feeling of it coming closer now the beautiful unconsciousness that grabs you and takes hold and doesn’t let you go till it believes that you are dead inside. A walking zombie. We start out alive inside when we are born screaming and crying, until for the first time someone hits us, we start our transformation. Our metamorphosis that takes us from living to zombie. We can feel every inch of the pain yet none of the happiness and joy?
            It doesn’t seem right,nothing about the way we live is. I grab myself and pull back into reality out of my thoughts. I have broken out into a cold sweat. Tears falling everywhere around me blood all over my hands and the sharp razor that lies in the puddle of warm salty liquid. The red and the tears start to mix in a ballet of colors, a momentum sight. Something so beautiful from such a distraught gruesome circumstance. My tear ducks are empty but I still feel the tightness in my chest as if they weren’t.
            My eyes start to dim, this is what I wanted. I feel myself slipping farther and farther away. I tell myself that I am ready to let father grim take me away. Do something for me, let me feel the nothingness. It gets dark. Darker. I can see nothing now. I panic, heartbeat quickens. I dry heave trying to breathe. I think I’ve gone blind, until I feel the last beat of the last breathe I hope I will ever take. As feelings wash away I hear the door creak and a high pitched scream echos in the small stuffy room. What a sound to hear before you die.  A perfect match. In perfect harmony. 
             Electric shocks go through my body flashing bright lights as I open my eyes I never new Hell could be so sterile. I go out again. I awake my arms and legs are held to an operating table by ties to make sure I don’t squirm. The bright lights right in my eyes. This wasn’t Hell at all. I had been spared again and I lay in a hospital. An IV runs through my main artery. I move but it does no help. My mother cries in a chair in the corner that she has turned around not to face me. She turned as she heard the girgling noises coming from my throat and seen that I had awoken. All I saw was her shame stricken face blotchy with tears. I could hear her thoughts echo in my head now. How could I have embarrassed her like this. How could she have given birth to a suicidal psychopath?
            I wish I could take both our pain away, me. That’s what causes her pain. She won’t let me let her help herself. Every time I end up back in this hospital.  “Ifs’ can onliy be wonders now,look where I am.  The monitor is beeping slower and slower. Nurses rush in.  They hook systems to my chest more electric shock.  I cant stop myself from gasping.  Its immediate shock as I feel a new kind of leaving, not of my conciousness but of my life.  My mother sits in the corner waiting.  We all are the waiting in a game we can never win.  My mother sits there as both our answers had been answered. My body couldn’t take all the pain and finally gave in to my desires.

 

 

Author's Note

This is just a random typing of thought. Dont be to harsh on grammar and such not.