I'll Run

Inspired by an experience I had a while back, this short story encompasses everything I felt in the moment. Thought it took me a few months to finally get it down on paper..... it is whole if nothing.

The lateness of the house has smeared his expression into the ghost of regret as the candlelight reflects off his shadow dark eyes. He will not turn to me, won’t so much as look in my direction. His hands are so tightly clenched at his side that, even from here I can see his knuckles turning white. His face that I know so well has turned into something else entirely. In this moment, I don’t recognize the man that stands before me. He is a man far removed from who I might have once known, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart so completely I can hardly breathe… because I know that I have done this to him. It is not anger that dulls his eyes and furrows his brow; it’s me.

It has been years since we were in such close proximity to each other. We both have thousands of miles beneath our feet, millions of heartbeats without each other. And it shows.

He has gone so far from when first we knew each other. His heart has drifted so far away from me, into the stormy seas and distant lands as far away from my shores as the sun from the earth. Once I lived and loved in the circle of his arms, never caring what the world would throw at us. Once, before the winters brought snow to freeze us solid where we stood, we danced happily across the sun-drenched dreams of life. We built a kingdom in the green lands of our youth, where we thought to live forever. The world could not touch us, could not throw a single shadow across those days. With sunlight golden in our hearts, we danced through those long summer days and loved beneath a patchwork of stars. And then winter came and stole him away from me.

When first he left, I fought for him. I took up my sword and charged into battle to fight for him. I ran a thousand miles, walked through the fire, and threw myself from the edge of a cliff for him. When he strode from my world I tracked him through time and space; always one step behind but eternally trying. I thought it was love. I believed what the postcards said; that you have to fight for love to make it yours. I knew nothing of love.

As I look at him standing there, I can almost see him. I see the man I fought so hard for. Now, in his place is this dark sullen stranger who I cannot begin to understand. My summer prince was all laughter and smiles, but this man is all melancholy and sighs. His shoulders hunch forward from a burden I cannot help him carry and his fists clench with an anger I gave him.

His hair is longer than when I saw him last. I long to stand and brush the lock from his face, but I know that I cannot. His once-honey colored skin is now pale as alabaster. He seems almost a ghost of the past, like he has forgotten a key piece of himself in his time away.

I wonder where he has been all this time. Has he wandered the earth in search of himself? Has he been hurt? Has he found joy? Has he loved since me? I cannot see his eyes. Surely if I could I would know for certain, but he will not look at me. I stare at his face, trying to find him between his silent lamentations.

His name forms in my mouth as naturally as drawing breath. Before the word can leave my lips, he turns to meet my gaze as suddenly as if I had shouted at him. I feel the full weight of my betrayal reflected in his eyes. Those eyes that held the midnight sky within them… that once held whispers of candle light and shooting stars now belong to a stranger. They are as deep as I remember, but their depth is the depth of a lake instead of the sky. He is as full of turmoil as I am. I begin to stand, to run to him and fold myself in his arms as I have done so many times before. I step towards him and my heart breaks as he flinches away. Disgust pulls the edges of his lips into a shape unfamiliar to me. He says something that I don’t quite hear. The voice isn’t his; it has too many sharp edges, too much ice, and too much hurt. I doubt he has sung in a very long time. All the lullabies he used to hum when he thought I was asleep run through my head and are shattered in an instant.

I reach out my hand to him, to take back all the things I said… to make things right again… but there is nothing I can say and I know that. Still, I think that if I can just make him understand… No… no he will never understand. In the same way that he is no longer my king of sunlight, I am no longer his queen of long days and warm nights. I have fought a thousand battles since then and wandered down pathways too dark for even his light to reach. I fought monsters and wrestled demons… I gilded the delicate blossom of my heart not in gold but in iron. I became something he does not recognize or love. That winter I spent without him was dark… but when the snow thawed I emerged forever changed.

I reluctantly meet his eyes again and this time, I know that everything is futile. This time I have gone too far… spoke too much and said too little. He is gone. Sure as the leaves fall from the trees in winter, the winds of life are taking him from me. Even as I watch him, I see a piece of him fall to the floor. There is nothing I can do; not for him and not with him. I thought life was giving me a second chance, but I was wrong. So wrong.

I stand and stare at him for a few moments more, taking in the planes of his face, the depth of who he has become and I make my decision. I utter only three words. I pour into them every suppressed emotion locked away in me. My chest aches as I say it and I fear I may begin to collapse inward. I wait for any sign of recognition on his face as he absorbs my words, but I see only disdain. My words echo through the shadows and resonate in the hollow space between us. They cannot bridge the gap between us now.

            Tears fall from my eyes as the door closes behind me. And I run into the rain and the storm raging outside. The cold pavement bites at my bare feet and the winds pull at my very soul. I turn my face towards the dark sky and feel laughter bubble up from somewhere deep inside me. And I know I am finally free.

Author's Note

I know, angsty right? Does it come off emotional or as just writing? Does it make you feel anything at all? Sympathy, empathy, anger, irritation, boredom? Does it convey my feelings at all?

Reviews

[Michaela]

This is a great short story. It captured me and shows me exactly what you see and feel. i feel the anxiety at first and then the love that once was, and that still remains as a small flicker of fire inside you. i feel the hurt when you had to spend the winter apart, but i also feel you coming through changed, scarred from the experience but changed in a great way. I also can feel the heavy weight lifted off of you as you emerge through at the end, free. Its a great, great short story. I adore it.