Why I Left

...because children are people with thoughts and emotions too.

Mum and Dad, I finally realised why I'm so depressed. You look at my life and you wonder what I could possibly have to be sad about. I have everything that you wish you had at my age and I'm doing much better than you ever did. I have everything that you believe that a child could ever want, so in your eyes, I should be happy, right?
But Mum and Dad, I finally realised why I'm so depressed, and you'll be relieved to know that it's not because the quality of life that you've given me is so poor, no, it is everything I could ever wish for, except -

When you get home from work the first thing you see are the dishes left undone, you yell and scold and spend the entire evening letting me know how inadequate I am.
You compare me to my siblings, because I'm being a bad example by staying out late at night (you must yell because my siblings must know of your displeasure just in case they get the idea to try, even if it is at the cost of my degradation in their eyes)
You don't approve of my boyfriend and you make it known. You just can't see why I'd ever neglect you to be with him. Well maybe it's because he makes me feel like I'm doing something good for once, because unconsciously you've taught me to equate my doing well with having other people satisfied with who I am and what I'm doing. You've taught me that having other people's approval is my greatest achievement. Well you'd be pleased to know that he let's me know that I'm doing well, he let's me know that I have his approval.
But I know what you're thinking, that you've never taught me that! In fact, you were aiming for the exact opposite, so how could I ever accuse you of such a thing! Guess what, I would give evidence for my claims but I'm afraid that if you or others read this you would not approve.
So Mum and Dad, I finally realised why I'm so depressed it's because you tell me more of what I'm doing wrong than what I'm actually doing right.
I only know that I've succeeded and made you proud when someone mentions how great of an impression I've made, and even then, I don't get the praise,
"You've raised a good child," they'll say.
Tell me, how does it make you feel hearing how great of a job you're doing? Good, right? You're doing so well at your greatest job, being a parent! You, stuggle, you're not perfect, but it helps to know that you're not totally failing. Does it ever cross your mind, that maybe, just maybe I'd like to know that I'm doing something well at my greatest job too? That I'm not totally failing at being your child?
I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like my emotions truly matter. I don't feel like I've earned the right to be tired of life, or to be sad, because I don't go out to work all day to put food on the table. But I am, and I'm sorry.
Mummy and Daddy, I've finally figured out why I'm depressed, and if you're not careful, one day you'll look back and realise it's the same reason that I left.

© 2016 Mishael H.R. Martineaux

Author's Note

Please tell me your thoughts on this piece, I'd much appreciate it.

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Reviews

it is so sad. I am a psychology major and according to some of the text book, family environment is a major component in triggering disorders like depression. You captured this so wonderfully in this story. Maybe because I am studying psychology, but I felt it all the way. I have a friend that she is well into her middle age and she still struggles with similar things you mention in this story. It is exquisite work. N.