It All Seems Like A Bad Dream

To The Overthinker,

Last night I didn't get much rest, and considering that it's already 1:00a.m., I suspect that tonight will be much more of the same. It has been hard for me to fall asleep and stay asleep for the past few nights because sadly there is no snooze button for the alarming thoughts that echo within my own brain. My body is tired but my eyes don't seem to want to co-operate so I'm laying here, perfectly awake, with eyes too dry to cry real tears but my body is aching - a numb, throbbing, ache. There is a nauseating tightness at the base of my throat and an unwillingness to endure sleeplessness for another night. We've all had nightmares where we can't wake up, but this is a whole different brand of nightmare. This is the kind of nightmare that won't let you fall asleep. If I were to be quite frank, insomnia feels like a death, except you're still fully conscious. It is not oblivion, it is oblivion inverse. It is dark energy swirling within. It is a face-to-face encounter with the same existential dread that seems only bold enough to lurk about eerily during the bustling daytime - chronic insomnia is when that meeting becomes a regular appointment. It is racing thoughts and heart palpitations. It is like a green stick fracture that bends your soul until it never breaks and makes you wish so sincerely to be broken just to bring the sensation to its completion - just to round the numbness off to its nearest pain. Insomnia is when your body uses all its pent up solar energy that it absorbs during the day to keep your eyes and mind dimly lit and buzzing all night, even when all you crave is to fall into tranquil darkness.This has been my predicament for the past few nights, mix that with a handful of depression, a dash of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a whole pound of other anxieties and what you would have is a recipe for utter disfunction, both day and night. 

Last night I awoke around 1:00 a.m. to the unnerving sound of a sleeping house. My head was spinning, and there was the usual nausea that accompanied. My first instinct was to text my boyfriend who is usually still awake around that time. I needed comfort, but my OCD would not let me send my first message as it was, so after typing and retyping and deleting and retyping, I finally sent "What are you up to," he took four minutes to reply. FOUR WHOLE MINUTES. That was enough time to send my brain swirling into countless ungodly thoughts about what he could possibly be doing at that early hour. Names, images and fear carried out a successful coup d'etat within my mind, overthrowing all good reason and judgement. "Nothing, just lying down," he eventually said. Immediately, my brain screamed, "So why on earth did you take so long?" 

It was only four minutes, but it was enough to dishearten and enough of a reason for me to abandon my quest for comfort. Twenty four minutes later I worked up to courage to finally reply, "Ok, goodnight then"

This is the torture that I have had to constantly endure over the past few years before being officially diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My brain does things to me and causes me to react chaotically and irrationally. As a result I have refrained from communicating my emotions, for fear that I am found to be overthinking.  All I can safely do is feel secretly and fight on my own, and continue hoping that someday these battles would be victories of the past. 

My obsessive and compulsive nature has costed me my happiness, my emotional wellbeing and my stability in relationships. My compulsive rituals have costed me my peace of mind and my punctuality. It is depressing really, to feel so incredibly incompetent to live my own life. To feel like a sickeningly inadequate lover, to second guess all, to waver constantly in certainty. 

I am tired, and not only because I didn't get much sleep last night, but because just day to day living and simply allowing myself to feel basic emotions without overreacting, takes so much mental energy that I am growing tired of life itself. 

But who could I say that to without being labelled a crazy person? (Well, beside you?)In fact, that is exactly what happened the last time I let someone see what I struggle with, but I'll leave that story for our next correspondence. 

So until tomorrow night, I wish you brief wakefulness. Goodnight. 

Love,

The Insomniac