Freedom Two

(heavily revised, restricted syllables & specific rhyme)

 

Freedom Revised (heavily)

 

Kick me while

I'm down again,

Let me be

Your slave in pain,

No reason

To object, I'm not really sane

 

Gain the trust

I never had to give

Deal it away

Day by day, I've not the will to live

 

Bought lock, stock

And barrel, reality took my voice

End to end

I'm left hopeless, without a choice

 

Set me free

Once more, just let me go,

And someday,

Sometime, you know

 

The strength I'll

Seek to break you again

You'll become

My slave, pain

An unsought

Objection for those so obviously insane

Author's Note

Hmm, this is very... new to me. Kind of having fun, although it's quite difficult. Constructive criticism?

Reviews

[Yu Yu]

A friend said, "sometimes we let others hurt us" and it's true. If we didn't let them hurt us, we won't be hurt in the first place. And we have to be insane, almost as if mad with love to do that -- as this poem so beautifully illustrates. We hit rock bottom at times just because of this insanity. My favorite is the second stanza. Trust in this situation is very important, and others who are in our lives, be it lover or significant others just part away, disappointment slowly peels away from you.

[Ed Rector]

i like how in this piece you seem to be writing to another yet it seems that the other is yourself... it's odd and i enjoyed it the way it was written but not so much the content... it's just different than what i look for... anyway well writen.