Self-punishment

(aka self-starvation.) personal...

 

Self-starvation

The air is heavy with the scent of

Roast beef and cold potatoes,

A cloying possibility

Of things l'd rather avoid

As l sit

Impossibly still,

Hands & legs

Tucked reflexively

Under a long-deserted dining room table.

My stomach clenches,

And as the hours pass

Between supper and freedom,

My determination never wavers.

 

With a child-hood capacity

To understand the meaning of disappointment,

My stomach rolls,

And as "Jeopardy"  & "Wheel of Fortune"

ramble on in the background,

made all the more dissasociative

by the darkness of the room next door,

highlighted only by the flickering light of the tv,

I scheme for an answering escape.

But the only freedom

Comes when food passes lips pursed

In a frustrated frown,

And despite threats of untold punishment

And brandished words of frustration

From the parents who raised me,

I find

I'd rather suffer hunger pains

Throughout the night,

Wake the next day only to do it over again

Rather than feel

The soap-textured

Soggy mass of potatoes

Cold & congealed

Sitting on my tongue,

A tasteless lump of something

I'd rather not identify

Breaking the seal

Between throat and stomach.

My gag reflex kicks in automatically,

My eyes close in an attempt to hold down

The need for escape,

The fear that somehow

This isn't right,

And l tell myself

Soon l'll be free to retreat

Inside

The sanctuary of my room,

But for now,

Freedom holds within my mind,

Fantasies untold.

And as the months turn to years,

A remote battle

Begins, fought at the forefront of my thoughts.

Outside influences insist

I'm doing it to hurt,

And inside l'm screaming,

A crying confession

That it's out of control,

But it's the only form of release

I'll ever know.

Don't take it away from me,

It's my only comfort,

And when my hands shake

Uncontrollably

From lack of sleep

And lack of food

But an overwhelming influx

Of caffeine and sugar,

Don't tell me you understand.

You've never seen

The inside of my mind,

Or the war l fight

Sometimes just

To keep breathing.

Don't tell me you know,

Unless you've fought

These day-to-day battles,

Seen the struggle

And asked yourself

Why you do this,

Only to find

That there really

Isn't an answer to understand.

 

Tuesday April 25th '06

Laurie