a haunting past

Based on a true event. 2009/10/25 . In loving memory of Michelle.

“I once had a dream but upon an unfortunate series of events , saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished upon over and over again sparkling and broken .

I knew that it take, getting everything you ever wanted , and then losing it to know what true freedom is. I am decisiveness as wide and wavering as the ocean.

Who are you? Are you in touch with all your darkest fantasies? I have. I am f*****g crazy.

But I am free.” �" Lana Del Rey

 

“I don’t get why we have to move” I whimpered.  “Mom! ”  I made a dramatic gesture kicking at a box , gaping blankly at me   “Stop distracting me with your wining Cora, you will be fine.” Mother sighs while counting empty boxes on her fingertips, pen peeking from behind her ear.

The drive to our new destination was painful. Saying goodbye to people you grew up with , watching the places flashing by into memories , the summer night swims in the town’s pool , the wooden chipped swings in the park where you had your first kiss,  the cute little red and blue corner café we use to race to for Sunday ice-creams . Leaving this in-the-middle-of-nowhere-town was harder than I expected . My siblings ,on the contrary, was excited about this new city experience.  Opportunity glistening in their eyes , but as for me? . I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive my parents . Being the new kid sounds challenging enough, being the small town cliché new kid �" yeah, it’s going to be tuff.

 

My sisters, both blonde, blue eyed and beautiful quickly made friends.  Me, the awkward plain Jane, made a great target. Weeks went by and I was still a miserable unnoticed ghost. “Bullshit” my dad said “Paul ! language.” My mom scold from out of the kitchen “What ?  You are in charge of your own happiness “ my dad said , pulling my cheeks to form a smile on my face . “You see Cora , cant smile for you” .  “You don’t understand “ I started . “ don’t we understand?” my mom interrupted “ teenagers always say we don’t understand” waving the spoon around to describe what she is saying ,  she continues “ we were young, we understand” . Yeah like 100 years ago , I thought . “Things have changed”. I said taking the spoon from her , safely placing it on the kitchen counter. My dad once said , tie mom’s hands behind her back she wouldn’t be able to speak , mm not a bad idea . 

 

With the fate of  happiness resting in my own hands, I did decide to do something about it after all…

 I changed.

 I colored my hair from pale light-brown to fearlessly black. I swopped my flat sandals and baggy oversize Ts for wedged sandals, mini dresses and high-waist short skirts with crop tops.

I got noticed.

I made friends. They were insane and wild, but they were my friends. Drugs, sex and drunken parties was discussed , like discussing the color purple.

We were only Seventeen.

I became a rebel .Against my parents , for making me move , and just because.

I  was a confused teenager exposed to city monsters .   

 

“Are you going to the athletics dressed like that?” my mom’s index finger was so close to my face , I swore she wanted to poke straight into my bewildered brain. I stared blankly at her , in a mini-skirt , knee high boots , hair in a messy bun and chewing bubble gum . “Why don’t you participate? You love running Cora ! ” she tried again , louder this time. “ Don’t scream at me, God . I’m so over this right now! “ is all I could think about , while walking away .

“Cora!” my best friend Michelle came running towards me , pulling me around the nearest corner . “look what I got “ she whispered while opening her backpack “ and guess what? “ she continued “ the boys have some more.” She giggled loudly, like a naughty child. Drugs, booze and everything against my moral instincts tempted me from inside that backpack. “It’s for surviving the boring athletics!” she said ignoring my silence. She swung the devils backpack on her shoulders, took my hand and we walked to her car were the boys ,already waiting , stared impatiently.

 

Craig (Michelle’s boyfriend), Michelle, Kathrin, Jacob and I snuck in behind the pavilion. We started drinking, playing music, taking photos, making out and talking for five hours straight . Finally when it was safe to sneak out, we could barely walk. Leaning against each other, laughing, making jokes , feeling infinite. We felt peaceful and crazy all at the same time, seeing stars.

It was Craig who drove us home. This was my first time out with these insane friends of mine so I thought I needed to be spontaneous , unpredictable . I suggested truth or dare.

I was up first and dared Michelle, who was sitting in the passenger seat on Jacobs lap, to make out with him . She did … intensely.

Craig watched and joined in on the action. “Craig” I shouted . It was too late , we drove into the wrong lane straight towards a truck.

 

 Craig pulled at the staring wheel and pushed anxiously at the brakes. The car swung viciously horizontally to a dead halt. I sat frozen as the headlights of the truck came closer to my side. I felt a pain run down my back as the car flew flipping through the air and landed on its back.

The smell of blood and smoke thickened like tar in my throat. I couldn’t speak , I couldn’t call. I lied helplessly on glass - and blood stained grass. Slowly turning my head to the wreck , once a car , I saw my best friend’s body hanging lifeless through the front windshield.  Screams in my head sounded real , mentally begging my body to move while stretching out my arms. Warm tears , closing my eyes.

 

I woke up in a hospital bed. Everyone else was okay, only a few scratches and bruises. Michelle was dead and the potent hit of the truck left me barren. I was lucky?

I was send to therapy , my mom looked at me like I was , as I am , barren , worthless. My friends never spoke to me again. They said that the accident was my fault, I should’ve never suggested a game.

I got nightmares haunting me night and day.

I made peace, no I seriously did.

But as time passed by and loosing love is all I seemed to get right, my faith looses balance and I get impulsive. a Lone wolf I became but never lonely more  , free.

 

See you can never get rid of your past. It becomes the monsters hiding in your head. It becomes the scars of your soul.  You can only adapt, accepting them, wear them and still keep breathing. Make peace with your past ,  only then can you be truly free.

Reviews

[Jamestry]

Awesome! Short and educative! Pictures were clearly painted in my head!

[ksscampos]

captivating story. we all have our dark passenger, our memories that comes and revisits us every so often. you'll never get rid of them... loved the read, thank you for sharing