Chapter 2

     The alarm clock went off at 5:00a.m. As it did every day. Josh groaned and smacked the snooze button on his clock. With a great effort, he hauled his still sleeping body out of bed. By the time he showered it was 5:30. Josh quickly set to work on making everybody’s breakfast. By 6:30 James and Vincent were awake and were getting themselves ready for school and work. Before Josh would let them order him around, he quietly headed into his sister’s room.

     He leaned over and whispered into Mary’s ear. “Come on Mary; let’s get you ready to go to daycare.”

     Mary moaned. “Do I have to?”

     “Unfortunately.”

   Mary opened one eye and stared at Josh for a moment then closed it. Josh sighed and walked over to her closet to dig out an outfit for her. Clothes in hand, he quickly jerked Mary up and slung her playfully over his shoulder.

     “Put me down!” Mary laughed.

     “Sorry, fair maiden, I cannot do that for you see, you are to be my prisoner!” Josh smiled evilly. “I shall take you back to my Bathroom kingdom and lock you my bathtub prison.”

     Mary squealed happily as she started to playfully hit him. Josh set Mary down gently and quickly got her ready for daycare.

     “Josh, will you fix my hair the way Mommy used to do?” Mary asked awhile later.

     It’s been 6 months since Josh’s mom died unexpectedly. Before she died, life used to be somewhat peaceful. Vincent had never changed. Ever since Josh could remember James had always been Vincent’s favorite son. Despite his mother’s protests to Vincent saying “parents don’t have favorite children”, he still idolized James. Failing to get Vincent to listen to her, mother gave all her attention to Josh. While Vincent shaped James’s bad attitude, Mother shaped Josh’s positive attitude. When Mary was born, mother had given her all the attention. Josh had become jealous and started mimicking his brother’s attitude. He got so out of control that he ended up fighting another boy at school.

     When mother had showed up to take Josh home for his 3 day suspension, she wasn’t angry or disappointed. She reminded Josh that he did not need to be the mirror of his brother to get her attention. After promising to never behave like that again, she had taken him and Mary out for ice cream. It was there that Mary spoke her first sentence and Josh really began to accept her.

     “Josh is good brother,” she had said.

     When mother died, everyone was devastated. Though Josh’s tears fell as he watched his mother being lowered into the ground, he also cried because he felt bad that James looked at her like a stranger.

      “Josh?” Mary asked.

     Josh shook himself out of his thoughts. “Sure Mary, I’ll fix your hair like mother did.”

Reviews

[Rich Kolasa]

the first thing I'd mention is all of the timestamps in the first paragraph. It breaks up any flow you might have. I want to feel the passage of time, but I don't want it explicitly told to me. Little details are important, too. When he's making breakfast, you can explain that he has to make it for everyone, but why not show his considerations? If this is about his responsibility, which I think is moving and important, I think you should let the reader get inside his head more. The bit of role playing was great. I think your characters have a lot of potential in this upsetting situation.

Also, something I say often, you could eliminate a few adjectives. "He quickly jerked Mary up." quickly doesn't really need to be there, 'jerked' is pretty quick on it's own. By eliminating unnecessary descriptive words you can make the reading a bit more smooth.

Don't stop writing. Your style reminds me very much of someone I know.