Fear

In Creative Writing, we had to write about one of our greatest fears. This is the end result.

            What causes a certain fear to develop?  Is it the uncertainty of whatever we are afraid of, or is it possibly the end result of the phobia that we fear?  I, as a simple human being, haven’t the slightest idea how fears come about.  All I know is that my fear has a name that echoes forever in my head: philophobia.  Yes, it is the fear of love.  Saying this word or feeling this way terrifies me to my very core, and no therapist has yet to discover why or how it has become so severe.  It haunts my every thought, every dream.  Sometimes I wake up screaming in the night.  My greatest hope is that I never have to hear anyone say it.  Please, God, for the sake of anyone involved, never make me hear this.

            BRIIIINNNNNGGGG!  The alarm clock shattered the silence that filled Nixie’s bedroom.  She woke with a start, thankful that the clock had interrupted her unwanted nightmare.  She sat up and glanced upon the pale yellow walls that were decorated with posters and pictures, attempting to escape the horrid nightmare she had just awoken from.  Lying back down, she drew the white down comforter around her neck.  Her thoughts had drifted to the date of the day: May 14^th.  ‘No wonder I had such nightmares’, she thought.  It was her birthday, but it was no longer remembered as this.  It would be eternally engraved upon her mind as the date of her mother’s death.  She had drowned at the beach in Lynn, Massachusetts four years ago.  It was only a short 20 minutes from their home in Boston, which is why her mother went there every morning to swim.  One day she had gone to swim, but never returned home.  Her body was found a few days later in the Nahant Bay by two couples taking a day trip on their houseboat.  The police had never been able to discover what exactly happened.  The only thing they were for sure of was that the cause of death was by drowning, but there was no suspicion of foul play.  The police had phoned their small Boston apartment on the 16^th of May to have Nixie’s father come and identify the body to see if it was his deceased wife.  Nixie, being 13 at the time, didn’t understand how her mother could have drowned.  She had been swimming her entire life and had even named her daughter after a water sprite and the very beach she swam on.  Ever since this day, she had developed a fear of water and a crumbling relationship with her father.  He was bitter from the accident and never spoke to Nixie more than necessary.  Her birthday was no longer celebrated in the household.  To him, it meant also celebrating the day his wife passed, and he could never come to terms with it.  It was as if the two were complete strangers to each other, ghosts that drifted through the halls past each other, but no words were spoken.  She reached for her alarm clock and switched the alarm off.  Eerie silence peaked in her room as she sighed in deeply and ran her hands through her auburn hair.  “I can make it through today”, she repeated to herself.  “I can do this.”  A thick buzzing sound interrupted her thoughts.  Her phone was rotating in a small circle from the vibrate mode it was set on.  Someone had sent her a text message.  She reached across her bed and flipped open the phone.  She smiled as she saw a message from her boyfriend, Aiden.  “Good morning, Nixie Lynn. I have a surprise for your birthday. Meet me outside at 10 this morning.  Always yours :)”  She glanced from her phone to the clock on her desk.  9:49 am.  ‘Good grief’, she thought, ‘I’m going to be late, as usual.’  She dragged her figure out of bed and stretched the sleep out of her arms and back.  She dressed in haste, hoping that she would actually be on time.  She slipped on a pair of jeans and a dark blue shirt.  Blue had always accented her eyes, and she wanted to look her best for Aiden.  She rushed to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, then ran a brush through her tangled hair.  This was the one morning she actually appreciated her hair being in a straight fashion.  She slid on her black converse and skipped down the stairs.  Her father was in the kitchen, reading the newspaper.  He glanced up only for a moment to see who could be intruding his silence, then went on reading.  She grabbed a pop tart from the counter and sprinted out the door.  She slammed it shut behind her, hoping it would irritate her father.  She looked at her watch again.  9:55 am.  Wow, she was actually early for once.  She bit into her pop tart slowly, savoring the strawberry flavor as the flakes of pastry slid down her throat.  The flavor didn’t last long, for she was too hungry to savor all of the pop tart.  She had finished her last bite as Aiden pulled around the corner.  His 1956 mustang was beautiful with the cherry red color, but the engine he had installed in it was outrageously loud.  It shook the windows as the stopped the car and opened her door for her.  He smiled as he did this, sending her heart into sputters.  She walked gleefully over to her car door and sat inside as he shut it behind her.  He walked in front of the car and opened his door, sliding into the driver’s seat.

            “So, where are we going today, mister mysterious?” she asked with a hint of a smile behind her eyes.

            “You’ll find out, miss impatient.” He smiled right back at her, making her heart sputter all over again.  He put the car into drive and drove along the winding streets of Boston, taking her hand as he turned onto west 15^th street.  They had been driving for about 20 minutes, and she really was beginning to become impatient.

            “Aiden, can you please tell me where we’re going?” she pleaded with sincerity.

            “I don’t have to.  You can look for yourself”, he said with a slight smile.  She noticed something different about his eyes when she looked into them.  It was almost a flicker of anxiety, but why would he feel that?  She had her answer when she looked out of the car window to see what was waiting outside.  He had taken her to the Lynn beach, the same place her mother had died those years ago.  She began to feel dizzy, her head seeming disconnected from her shoulders.  She could barely gather her voice to speak the question tugging at her mind.

            “Why would you do this to me?  You know how hard it is for me to even talk about what happened.”  She began taking deep breaths, not trusting herself to look at him just yet for fear of tears escaping.

            “Nixie, I know this is difficult.  I can’t imagine the kind of pain and anger you’re feeling towards me right now.  You just have to trust me on this.  I brought you here for you to know that I’m going to be with you through everything, including the memories of… Your mother.  Come to the beach with me, and I promise that I can help you through this.  Please just let me try, Nixie.  Please.”  He took her chin in his hand gently as he pleaded, forcing her eyes upon his.  She could see the sincerity behind this explanation, so she nodded her head in agreement and began to leave the car.  She stepped out and wrapped her arms around her shoulders.  It was surprisingly cold by the water, and her shirt was useless in providing warmth.  Aiden stepped out of the car and walked to her side, grabbing her hand as they walked towards the water.  They sat on the rocks, watching the water lap up onto the shore.  The sun made the waves dance with a sort of shimmer that shone upon Nixie’s face.  They sat for a few hours, not speaking or even looking at each other.  He was giving her the time she needed to heal, and that was what she wanted.  She was left to her thoughts, and as the time lingered on, she processed all of what had happened and decided that it was a good idea to be here today.  She could remember her mother now in happiness now instead of pain and depression.  She turned towards Aiden, now sure of what she wanted to say now more than anything.

            “Aiden, I really do appreciate you bringing me here today.  Just sitting here thinking about her has helped me realize that I can’t run from this anymore.  I’ve been in denial for four years, unable to accept what happened and move on.  Being here with you has changed all of that.  I realize now that there are things worth living for besides resurrecting my mother’s death every year.  That thing worth living for is you.”  She inhaled deeply as her hands shook.  What she had to say next was the most important thing to say, and she was absolutely terrified.  This was probably her greatest fear: to say  “I love you”; however, she knew now more than ever that she needed to say it.  “I love you, Aiden.”  She glanced down at the ground, not wanting to meet his eyes.  She felt his hand grow stiff in hers, causing her to look up to his eyes.  They reflected the water before them; bottomless and cold.  So very, very cold.  His grip around her hand loosened and he dropped it to the ground.  She was frightened; what had she said to upset him this way?  But before she could ask, it was too late.  He grabbed her by her shirt and dragged her to the water.  Her screams for pity and for safety fell upon the deaf ears of the empty beach.  He pressed both of his hands upon her head and shoved her underwater, holding her there as she flailed and struggled for air.  She felt the water seep into her nose and mouth as she tried to fight the pain of dying, but she knew that she couldn’t win.  He was much too strong to fight, so there was no way of escaping.  She would die of her greatest fear, and in the same place as her mother.  The water felt like daggers as it filled her lungs and pressed against them in her attempt for air.  Her mind began to become hazy and her arms began to tire and come to a still position.  Her vision was now gone, and the only thing left of her was her final thought: “Happy 17^th birthday, kid.”

 

            I look back to that day often, wondering how things would’ve been different if I hadn’t taken her to the beach.  Maybe we could’ve lasted longer, and maybe I could’ve gone into a specialist for my problem and been put on medication.  Maybe she really didn’t have to die… But it’s of no disturbance now.  Her vicious words are now resting along the ocean floor along with her rotting corpse and her mother’s memories, forever buried by the waves and shadows of downtown Lynn beach.  For now, I must quit writing.  There is another girl that I have started seeing, and she says that she needs to tell me something important.  Perhaps Nixie and her mother will have company soon.

Author's Note

I apologize ahead of time for any grammar issues or any flaws you may see. Hopefully you'll enjoy, despite my mistakes =]

Reviews

[Laura]

"Her vicious words are now resting along the ocean floor along with her rotting corpse and her mother’s memories, forever buried by the waves and shadows of downtown Lynn beach." That was probably the greatest line of that story (oh that probably sounded demented but whatever), anyway, I thought that that was a really interesting story. I love the ending, I thought it was creepy, and there was strangely serenity in it. I like it. : )