Nameless?

Dylan was the biggest bully in his class, and he knew it. He was a king: He was strong, powerful and everyone did what he wanted them to do. He even had his own ‘minions’, as he liked to call them: 3 boys that held the victims as he threatened them and took their sweets or tuck shop money. He was happy, but there was always a weird, uneasy feeling deep inside him �" a feeling he did not like. As time went on, though, he learnt to push that feeling away: By mocking the nerds, mimicking his teacher when she is not looking or tripping an innocent passer-by. 

One day, Dylan’s mother told him that one of her old school friends and her family were moving back to town from Australia. Her two children, twins, who were the same age as him, were coming to his school. Dylan’s mother asked him to show them around the school for the first few days, as they do not know anyone. Dylan refused. “I don’t understand Australian,” he said. 

“They speak English. Look, Claire and her kids mean a lot to me. I’ll give you R20,” she said.

“Fifty,” he said.

She sighed. “R30 and that’s final.”

“Deal.”

The next day before school, Dylan met Megan and Michael at the school’s main entrance. It was still early, so luckily there were not many students around to see him hanging around with two nobodies. He gave them a hurried tour of the school, introduced them to a few teachers and told them about the different groups �" who’s cool and who’s not.  He made them understand that he was cool and therefore he could not afford to be seen with them. Michael said that they understood and that it was fine. Megan just nodded with a sad smile.

As the week went on, Michael �" who was funny and loud �" easily made new friends. He fitted right in. Megan, who was very introverted, did not look too happy. At break, she sat alone, keeping to herself. Even in class, she did not say a word. Dylan’s friends teased her, but Dylan only laughed along half-heartedly. He felt a bit sorry for her.

One evening, Michael called Dylan at home. He explained how concerned he was about his sister. “Megan is all alone at school. She doesn’t like my new friends, so she doesn’t want to sit with us at break. I was wondering, will you try talking to her? For some reason, she thinks you’re pretty cool. So will you try talking to her? Please?”

“Why would I do that?” Dylan replied.

“Come on, man. I’ll give you my tuck shop money tomorrow. R20,” Michael went on.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” Dylan agreed.

The next day at break, Dylan excused himself from his friends midway, saying he wanted to copy Megan’s homework. He walked over to the tree where Megan sat alone, reading. “Hi,” he said. Megan looked up, but said nothing. “Mind if I sit here?” Dylan asked. Silence. He sat down anyway. Megan smiled. Dylan sat there until the bell rang.

In the following days, Dylan did this during every break. They never said anything to each other, but Dylan knew that it meant a great deal to Megan. The other students looked at him strangely, but Dylan just stared threateningly back. One break, Megan asked Dylan, “Why are you doing this?”

“Well, I’d hate to be alone like you are. I want you to be happy here,” he replied.

“Thank You,” she said.

From that day on, Megan spoke more every day. Eventually, she even agreed to sit with Dylan and his friends. She did not speak much, but when she did, everybody listened. The other children also got to see the nice person Dylan knew she was.

The closer Dylan got to Megan, the friendlier he became. He no longer saw the point in teasing the other students and teachers or his ‘funny’ tricks. He soon realized that the weird feeling he had was gone. It was replaced with true happiness.

Author's Note

Suggestions for improvement please!
Also a good name...

Reviews

[Kianna]

Dear Mirabella,

Mmmm, some suggestions I have: determine your purpose. What is your desired format for this story? Do you want to make this lyrical and fluid or do you want it blunt and to the point? If you would like to make this story more lyrical, I would say add more imagery and description. Better yet, in some areas you can shorten it by deleting some things. For example, here, "Dylan was the biggest bully in his class, and he knew it. He was a king: He was strong, powerful and everyone did what he wanted them to do" you can revise it to say, "Dylan was king of his class. Under his iron fist, everyone did what he wanted them to do." See?

Spell out your numbers, here, " 3 boys that held the victims as he threatened them."

This sentence can also be revised, "As time went on, though, he learnt to push that feeling away: By mocking the nerds, mimicking his teacher when she is not looking or tripping an innocent passer-by" to say something like, "Over the years, Dylan learned to push away such a feeling with little pranks on others such as mocking the nerds, mimicking his teachers, and tripping people."

On a side note, besides Dylan taking money, which is weird to me. No one is going to dish out money like that (not where I'm from, so I don't know about you). Maybe when the mother strikes a deal with her son, she can offer him to be free of chores for a few days or something. Also, when Michael suggests giving him money to sit with Megan, he could offer to do his homework instead.

Change "fitted" to "fit."

I feel you need to add some pathos (emotional appeal) Here, "He felt a bit sorry for her." You can expand on this. Why did Dylan feel sorry for Megan? Because she reminded him of herself? Add some emotion to Dylan here and you make him more of a 3D figure. Here you can also add some pathos, "“Why are you doing this?”
“Well, I’d hate to be alone like you are. I want you to be happy here,” he replied.
“Thank You,” she said.
How did Megan ask "why are you doing this?" Was it exasperatedly as if she was waiting for him to pull some cruel prank on her? Was it annoyed? Did she feel annoyed by Dylan's presence as if she didn't trust him, expecting him to leave soon? When Dylan replied, did he feel surprised by his words? How did he feel when he realized he kept coming back to be with Megan? I would expect him to feel surprised by how empathetic he became towards Megan. What kept drawing Dylan to Megan? Was it her looks? Was it her presence overall? What was it? What was Dylan feeling?

Also, when you refer to Megan some times, I feel there are areas where you can include some detail. For example, here, " Megan smiled. Dylan sat there until the bell rang." What did Megan's smile look like? Did she have dimples? Did her brows lift when Dylan sat there? Were they thin, thick, light, dark, trimmed, messy? Did she have all her teeth or did she have a gap? Did Megan's eyes light? What color were they? Shy brown?

I thought this was nice and liked the changes between the two characters; I just wish you would establish a stronger, clearer connection like placing emphasis on the emotions both of them feel at first meeting each other and how that grows and changes. It's evident and short and sweet, but it could be made stronger. I really like what you have here and enjoyed reading your story. My favorite parts were, "From that day on, Megan spoke more every day. Eventually, she even agreed to sit with Dylan and his friends. She did not speak much, but when she did, everybody listened. The other children also got to see the nice person Dylan knew she was."

Good job.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless