Break down the Walls

Luke was a guy who was very alone. He never had any friends; for he found that it is easier not to trust anyone in this world. People have tried to approach him, but he had his wall built so high, that most people just decided not to try too hard.

But not Michael. He has always had this nagging feeling that he should do something about Luke’s situation. Only, what? He greeted Luke every day, tried to chat with him, invited him along to Youth on Fridays...and, more than anything, he prayed. Relentlessly.

 

“Hey Luke! Is tonight the night you’re coming to Youth with us?” Michael asked Luke, who was standing at his locker, organizing and reorganizing his locker. It was Friday, just before school. Luke’s mind raced. What excuse could he use today?

“Uhm, family dinner,” he replied, half-turning to Michael. Easy excuse. Even  easier since nobody knows me, he thought.

“That’s too bad,” Michael said.

Luke just shrugged.

“The speaker tonight is really good, or so I’ve heard. Some guy who does missions around Africa,” Michael went on, trying to make conversation, “started out in Mozambique - ”

At that, Luke flinched. “Gotta go,” he mumbled, shutting his locker and leaving as quickly as he possibly can.

 

Luke’s strange reaction gnawed at Michael’s mind for the rest of the morning. At break, he could barely focus on what his friends were saying.  He excused himself and headed straight to the school counsellor. After the usual chit chat, Michael asked about Luke. With some hesitation, the counsellor told him the story: Luke’s father was some or other wealthy businessman. On a trip to Mozambique he went missing. The police searched for months, and eventually they found him on a deserted farm �" dead. The forensic investigation revealed that it was suicide. For a long time, Luke’s mother hid this from him, telling him the business trip turned into a long-term thing, faking e-mails from his father to Luke. When Luke finally found out about the truth, he hated his mother and withdrew from everyone.

 

That night, Michael decided not to go to Youth, but to visit Luke. Michael had an idea of where Luke’s house was, and while he walked, he asked God for wisdom so that he’d know what to do; what to say. He rang the doorbell and waited. A few minutes later, Luke opened the door.

“Hey! Since you’re not coming along to Youth, I thought I’d come here. You busy?” Michael asked amiably.

After a shocked silence, Luke said, “Hi.. No. Uh, come in.”

He led Michael to the lounge and got them something to drink. After a while, it became easier for Luke to talk to Michael. It was something he had not experienced for some time, so he found his mood lifting. He felt strangely at ease.

As the conversation shifted to friends, Michael saw his chance. “Do you know who my best friend of all is?” he asked.

“No, not sure,” Luke said.

“My dad.”

“Oh, that’s nice, I guess.”

“God. He’s my dad. Yours too.”

Michael went on, telling Luke about how Jesus changed his life, and how He can do the same for Luke. They prayed together and Luke accepted Jesus as his Saviour.

Author's Note

Review (in detail, if possible) ASAP!
Suggestions for a better title would also be appreciated :)

Reviews

[Phillitup]

Um...

No other words. This is choppy in wording, personally I feel like that's the best way for this story to be written. This is a story full of acceptance. Even for the reader. I enjoyed the way you penned this but honestly can't think of any title at all. I wish I could help with that. Nice work...

[Mirabella]

Thank you :)
But what do you mean by choppy?

[Phillitup]

Like, nonish flow...it's a bit weird. stopped up, like traffic. still, it is better that way

[Mirabella]

Okay. I've heard that before, of another story.. But I just try to keep it short, so that's fine.

[Phillitup]

Not to mention I think that choppy works for this...usually it drives me nuts, not this time

:)

[Wolfwind]

Well, overall I'll give it about a 7 out of 10 for flow and continuity. The first opening paragraphs read kinda rough. The roughness smooths out through out the rest of the narration. I felt that Michael's character came across really well, but Luke seemed to be just along for the ride. I would have like to see, more of his thoughts as the events rolled along. I feel that the last bit was way to fast. How Luke simply just accepted Jesus seemed to be unrealistic, as we know very little about his previous religious beliefs. The transition for Luke from being rather standoffish and a loner to one who jumps right into praying isn't very believable.
I think that the tale has potential, but more details about Luke and his change to seeing Jesus as the savior needs to flow better.

Aaron

[Sarah Stearns]

This is a great idea, but I know you can do more with it. You have the talent to do so, and I think if you made this a little longer, it could be more meaningful as well. You might want to try building up the characters. As the reader, I don't know much about Michael, except that he is a young Christian. For Luke, all I learn is from what you, the narrator, told me. It might help to add in some visuals. Take advantage of the senses. Maybe you can describe a scene where Luke has the opportunity to sit with others at lunch, but decides to go off on his own. The reader will be able to see from his body language, that he is distant from others.

Additionally, I'm not sure if it is appropriate to have the counselor reveal Luke's story to Michael. I believe counselors are not allowed to talk about their clients with others without permission. Be creative. Maybe you can save the story for Luke to tell himself after Michael comes to his house and they talk for a while.

There is also the question as to why Michael was with the counselor. I'm guessing because they like to chat, and maybe have lunch together every now and then, but you might want to clarify that for the reader if you decide to keep the counselor in the story.

As for the ending, I liked the idea you had to have Michael go to Luke's house, instead of youth group meeting. It gives the sense that God gave him a push to help Luke out. Nice job there.
The suggestion I have, is instead of the narrator telling the reader Michael told Luke about Jesus, why don't you have Michael tell the reader. You never know who is reading your work, so you may not want to assume an informed reader in this case. It may be an opportunity for you to spread the Good News in your writing.

In all, I think you have great potential with this story. It's good to ask for feedback in order to grow as a writer, and I hope that mine helps.
Best of luck with your story! I hope your endeavor to be published becomes a reality. :)

[Mirabella]

About the counsellor.. Let's say she's a family friend. She'd trust Michael then, right?

[Sarah Stearns]

There'd be no question of her trusting him, in that case. However, there may still be a law against it. You would have to research it. My dad is a priest, and he's not allowed to tell me about peoples' personal life unless they say it's ok. I think it's called a code of silence or something. Again, I'm not sure if this is the same with counselors, so you will have to research it a little.

[Marie]

Your beginning sentences are awkward; I would suggest this:

Luke was a very lonely guy. He never had any friends, for he found that is was easier not to trust anyone in this world. People tried to approach him, but his was was so high that most just decided not to try too hard.

But not Michael. He always had this nagging feeling that he should do something about Luke's situation. Only What?

I am not a Christian, though I do write for acoupl of Christian publications. I'm not sure about your ending. Realistically, it seems to me that Luke would not have come to Jesus that quickly. But I realize you couldn't have gone on having Mikeand Luke meet several times; that would have made the story too long.

I would suggest for a title: "Breaking Down the Wall."