The Last of the Hot Pockets

Teenagers with access to grenade launchers and healing factors fighting over dumb s**t like teenagers do.

I open the door to my apartment, and close it behind me, locking it as well. I go to my fridge and open the freezer section of it. I pick up the box of hot pockets and notice something strange immediately.
I check inside and the box is empty.
I stare at it for a few seconds as my anger grows. I turn around and I yell "You little b*****s gonna pay for my hot pockets right now or somebody is gonna die!"
I run to the closet and pull out my grenade launcher.
"Y'all think I'm a joke huh? Guess whose a f*****g joke now!?" I scream.
I point it in the direction of everybody's bedroom just as a door opens suddenly, and out walks my goth admirer, Jacob Deatrix, in black underwear and nothing else, wet, his black hair somehow darker with water in it. His hands are up and his face just speaks volumes of what must be fear.
"August, you crazy b***h! That box is like 1200 credits, chill the f**k out!" He yells angrily.
I misread his face. Let me change that. I pull the trigger on the grenade launcher.
Jacob's face becomes what is definitely a expression of fear and ducks. The grenade sails over him and explodes behind him. He's thrown a few feet forward into our front room, knocking over my leather couch. His back is bleeding from pieces of shrapnel in his back.
I walk up to him and set down the grenade launcher on the side of the couch. Then I grab him by his shoulders and pull him off the couch and into the ground, making sure he lands directly on his back, and hopefully driving the shrapnel further into his back.

"Ow! August, I swear to god." He groans.

I reach under the couch and pull out my steel baseball bat.

"I swear to God Jacob that if someone doesn't tell me who ate my hot pockets and if that someone doesn't give me money cause that box was full when I left this morning, I will beat the s**t out of you and everyone in here." I seethe.

"Aren't you rich?" He growls. "I'm sure you can spare these credits."

"I shouldn't f*****g have to!" I yell.

I swing the bat as hard as I can into his head.
Crack!
His head hits the ground hard, and he stops moving, blood coming out of the caved in part of his skull. I'd feel bad but he's a sin angel, so he'll heal himself like a Wolverine does.
I hold the bat in my right hand and rest it on my shoulders. I pick up my grenade launcher with my left and walk down the hall.

"Come out food thief." I singsong. "Face your punishment head on or it will be worse."

I look into Jacob's room and see no one else in there. I walk in and check his trash can.
No hot pocket wrappers. So Jacob was just being Jacob.
I step out and knock on the door across the hall.
1 Mississippi. 2 Mississippi. 3 Mississippi.
I turn the door knob but it doesn't open.
I set down my grenade launcher and swing my bat at the space above the door knob, and make a hole in the door. I reach through the hole and open the door.
Ew, all this yellow. Why does Mip like yellow so much?

"You're so f*****g rude August." Jacob complains. "Can't you just have a house meeting like normal people?"

"Shut up Jacob." I reply.

I turn around and walk past him.

"Do you know who had hot pockets today?" I ask.

"If I recall, you just killed me. I should be beating your a*s but I've decided to roll diplomacy and try to calm you down."

"You're bad at it."

I walk past the next two doors, Lucius is a undead and Grimmer is a vegan.
I knock on Shadow's door.

"Man you sure about trying that s**t in there?" Jacob cautions.

I don't say anything because the door opens and Shadow stands there.
Pure blackness covered in belts with two purple dots for eyes under a hood in a human shape.

"Did you eat the last of my hot pockets?" I ask politely.

"Yes." He replies.

"You realize that those were mine right?"

"Yes, but you ate my hot pockets so I figured it was equivalent exchange, as Jacob's tv says."

I hear Jacob's hand hit his face as he groans "August, there are other hot pockets in there on top of it? Why are you such a child?"

I blink and turn towards Jacob. My left eye twitches in anger.
I swing my grenade launcher to point in front of Jacob and-
I'm no longer holding a grenade launcher.
Ow! Shadow f*****g smacked me upside the head!

"Quit being so selfish August, or you'll never be a good hero." Shadow sighs.

I spin to Shadow's door but it's already closed.
I scream in anger. First, just high pitched to drive Jacob insane. Then I make it have actual sense.

"I SHOULDN'T F*****G HAVE TO PICK UP YOUR GUY'S BULLSHIT ALL THE DAMN TIME EITHER! I'VE SAVED YOUR LIVES, FROM YOURSELVES! SHADOW YOU GOT STUCK IN A DAMN WALL AND I GOT YOU OUT WITHOUT YOU F*****G LOSING YOUR SPINNNNNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO COME HOME TO EAT PHILLY CHEESE WHEN I WANT PEPPERONI!"

No one responds. Jacob writhes in pain, cradling his ears in his hands.
And I had to go buy a new box of hot pockets.
Then I punched Shadow's door as hard as I could and stormed off.

Author's Note

Criticism is welcome.

Reviews

[A.C. Jones]

ha...this was fun to read