Swords, Guns, and Boobies

Nothing makes sense, you just roll with it.

So, I'm Lucius Dehaviell. I'm the reborn Antichrist according to some. I prefer the term Satanic Seducer. You can call me Goldentongue or Gold as well if you'd like. You're choice.

By the way, I'm called Gold because I seduced a 15 year old when I was 12. Also I'm very good with my tongue.

That's the joke, for those that are ignorant in the ways of sex.

I normally wear all black clothes with a red inside, or vice versa. My normal outfit is a black gentleman's jacket, black jeans, and black and red outlined sneakers.

My hair is black and with a little wave at the front of it. I have no idea what the name of my do is, I just know that guy with the nunchucks in Soul Caliber has a do similar to it. It's just not as long, my little wave. It ends in a peak instead of a wave.

It'd be better just to see a picture of me, I lost the epic description of myself this girl wrote about me. I normally read that every morning to remind me of how sexy I am. But this time I have to rely on myself.

Oh, and my eyes are black with red irises. Or is it red with black irises? Listen, my eyes are all black with red circles. I didn't care about the human anatomy at all.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

Who the f**k knocks on a door at 10 in the morning? Nobodies up this early on the weekend.

Must be a trap. I should get my revolver.

But what if it's girl scout cookies?

Is it worth taking a bullet if I'm wrong?

Maybe. Bring the gun just in case.

I go get the revolver and some money. I love my revolver. It's a big guy too. It also has unlimited ammo thanks to Jacob Deatrix giving it to me that way. He never explained how it's like that though.

I go to the door and open it.

And there is a hot girl selling girl scout cookies.

I love being 16. Nobodies too old or too young at this age.

Unless they're 15. Or 60.

"Hey, I'm selling cookies, would you like some?" she asks.

"Sure, and your number while we're at it." I reply.

"Ugh, all you men are so sleazy." 

"Hey, I just asked for your number, not for you to come in and suck my dick. You want to have a long conversation about why I'm not a sleazy dirtbag or would you rather keep on assuming I'm a cheap b*****d?"

"Alright, explain it."

"First off, I want a box of some kind of chocolate cookie. Second, I'm a nice 16 year old guy with my own share of problems. Do you have any idea how terrible it is to get your a*s smacked by an old lady for no reason? It's degrading."

"That old lady at the mall? I f*****g can't stand her. Always offering a hard candy after she smacks your a*s. F*****g b***h,"

"I know right? She's ridiculous. I smacked her on accident before. Well, everyone else saw it as an accident, I did it on purpose."

"Oh my god, you're the guy who tripped and smacked her with your bag. Didn't it have a kitchen knife in it?"

"No, but it had a brick of meat. She hasn't touched my a*s since."

"Ah god, that's incredible. You can't be a piece of s**t now."

"Thanks. So I assume you're 16 as well?

"Yeah, actually. Are you cool?"

"Me, super cool."

"We should hang out sometime."

"How about you give me your number and I text you throughout your selling of the cookies, and when you're done, I come pick you up and we hang out and be cool together."

"That sounds like a good idea."

"By the way, what's your name? My names Lucius Dehaviell."

"Ashley Grace."

We exchange numbers, say our byes, then I go back inside with my cookies and she goes back to selling.

Time to take a shower.

Knock, knock, knock.

That better be Ashley butt naked or someone's getting shot.

I answer it and it's Jacob f*****g Deatrix.

I slam the door as hard as I can and lock the door.

"F**k you Jacob, it's Saturday, I'm not doing anything at all today. No getting shot, stabbed, fireballed, iced, or shocked. F**k you, and f**k off."

"Lucius, I'm a Sin Angel."

F**k. That means he can teleport anywhere he's been before. Which is in my house.

"What's for lunch?"

Raiding my fridge.

"Touch my sandwich and you'll regret it, Jacob!"

"Fine, i won't touch the sandwich."

I walk into the kitchen and take a look at this a*****e.

Long black leather trenchcoat, long black hair, bright green eyes, skinny, wears all black. There's a giant sword on his back which somehow never bumps into anything. He also has these two weird decorative things, one on each shoulder, which are really holsters for his two desert eagles. I think the holsters look like a giant L made of vines resting on his shoulders on the long part.

He's white as well, if that helps. I don't understand why people get mad when you describe someone by their race. Sorry if that offends you but it's stupid.

"How's your devil, Lilith, doing?"

"How's your devil, Abaddon, doing?

"The usual, bitching about chocolate all the time, I normally tune him out unless he has something important or something not related to chocolate, which is almost never."

F**k you, Lucius.

No, f**k you Abby.

"Same, but mine mostly talks about how this guy is hot or how this girl is, so on and so forth."

"So, what'd you need help with?"

"This girl won't give me the info I need for this job. I'll give you a cut of it if you get the information and help finish the job."

"How much exactly?"

"40 grand. Interested?"

I text Ashley and tell her we'll have to hang out tomorrow. A friend of mine needs some help 'moving'.

"Alright, but I'm driving. Lilith gonna be jumping off you this time?"

"Nah, she decided she wants to sleep for a week straight."

"Ha, good luck with that."

"Indeed."

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So, the girl I'm supposed to seduce to get this information from is apparently a CEO of a very well funded science place. I don't care for their research, I just know it has to do with stem cells. I'm just surprised they manage to get stem cells.

So, the first step is getting in.

"What's the deal with so many female security guards?" I ask Jacob

"This place is supported by the Valkyries of the Unimensions. You remember that super feminist group that had a problem with us taking so many jobs?"

"Not our fault they can't kick as much a*s as we do. You want me to seduce my way through this place?"

"Yes."

"Alright."

I get out the car and begin using my specialty when it comes to magic.

The heat.

Awhile back, I experimented with magic, to see if it could cause orgasms or turn people on after Jacob was poisoned one time and caused a spontaneous orgy because he's a Sin Angel, and when you poison one, an orgy happens.

He also trips balls the whole time as well.

It's basically a pink wave around me that causes girls to become much more turned on than they normally are when they see me. I use it a lot in combat against girls if I don't want to hurt them.

Unless they shot first. Then I'm shooting back.

I walk in and the first guard, a very busty redhead, waves me in with a smile. I walk to the elevator, and the door opens right on cue to a elevator filled with attractive women.

I walk in and hit the floor she's on, which is 100.

100 floors of making out and mutual groping.

When the doors unfortunately open, I give my favorite girl a little orgasm with a little pink ball as a thank you.

"Have a very nice day ladies."

"Bye Lucius." they say at once, laughing.'

I walk straight into the CEO's office after a brief makeout session with her secretary.

And by god! Is she fine!

Long brown hair. Bright blue eyes. Bright red lips. Long legs. That perfect color of pale white skin. And don't get me started on those curves!

"Hi, I'm Lucius Dehaviell."

I lower the heat wave. I want to do this right. No cheating for the guaranteed end.

"What are you doing here, Lucius?"

"I'm here to talk to you. You're very beautiful, you know that?"

"You shouldn't just barge into girl's offices, saying things like that." she says, blushing but trying to be angry,

"Yes, but yet your beauty commands me to do so. You're like a siren, but your beauty alone enchants me, no singing is necessary."

"Quit it. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Ah, but if you do that, who else is going to flatter you? You're very intelligent as well, you deserve to be flattered."

"I do but if you stay, how am I going to explain to people about this handsome young man in my office."

"Ahhh, I see. Do you truly wish to never see me again or just another time?"

"How about you come over to my condo?"

"As long as there is no interruptions because I must see you every second."

"I live alone, there will be no interruptions. Meet me at the local mall around 5, I get off then." 

"Are you sure I can't stay until then? It's only an hour."

"No, I must be able to focus on my work."

"A career woman. I like that."

"By the way, before you leave Lucius, I'd like to say I'm impressed with the way you worked your way up here with. Also, my name is Alexis."

"Farewell Alexis."

I blow a kiss and she catches it. I take my leave.

"How'd it go?" Jacob asks.

"I just became her booty call, something I don't mind at all."

"How are you going to get the info from her?"

"I'll just have you hack her computer while I do my job. You get your information, we have sex, everyone wins."

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"So, did you enjoy your sex with that woman?"

It's the next morning, about 10 on a Sunday. I had given Alexis my number anytime she wanted me to visit again.

"Oh yes. Did you enjoy your info?"

"Immensely. Ready for a giant firefight to end the weekend?"

"I guess. But I'm taking a nap on the way there."

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We've arrived at a modern day stronghold. The information on her computer was the location of Jacob's target. A man named John Jacob Jardersmith.

He's a corrupt business man that takes stem cells from dead pregnant girls. Take a guess at how they died.

So Jacob's plan is to land on the roof using his wind magic, and kick a*s after falling through a skylight. I like it.

So we did that.

We also happened to land right in John's office.

And me being the badass I am, just happened to land on his desk, facing him, with my big ol' revolver pointed right at his face.

Click, click, boom.

Rich dude is dead. Guys all around firing like crazy, I use demon fire, melt the bullets, and fire right back.

Do a backflip, land on Jacob, shoot this guy in the face, elbow drop another one in the throat.

Use dead guy as a human shield. Kicking a*s and taking a*s, that's what I do. Just deal with it.

Coming at me with a sword, get stabbed by Jacob's giant sword followed by his black katana of death.

Cause Click, Click, BOOM!

Luciussssss, you're such a ripoff of such such great songs. You can't raaapppp at allllll.

F**k you, Jacob.

Fu fu fu fu fu fu f**k you too!

Making our escape downtown, cops on our tail, what do we do?

We take a turn down an alley, ditch the car, and disappear.

Then lie low for a week cause I'm not going to jail.