Addiction.

This is a creative non-fiction narrative i have to do for my composition writing class, so all thoughts, reviews, and opinions are welcomed. thanks! p.s yes i'm aware that it's long

My life has always been consumed with something, but I never seem to stick with it. I get bored easily with things, and just drop them on the spot. I’ve built my life around myself, on what I want and what I need, and I think karmas coming back to bite me. I look back at the 4 guys that I was with, and the only one that messed it up and not me was Shane. I feel that relationship was  life changing, it was the only one where he was the one that was in the wrong, the reason why we broke up was because of him. After Shane and I broke up, I changed inside. When Andy and Nick died, I changed. And now that Ryan and I are over, I changed. But this change is different, the feeling I have is my breaking point. I guess from trial and error and since Ryan was after Shane, I thought it was going to be differently. Maybe another reason why I feel so different about this one is because I wasn’t ready to let go…it felt too early for us to be over, and we didn’t even want to break up. But with Shane, I was already fed up. Yeah he might of broke my heart but I was dealing with his crap for almost 7 months, and if you knew Shane you’d understand that 7 months felt like 7 years.  

But Ryan..he was hands down the nicest guy I have ever met, let alone been with. He actually made me feel wanted and loved, and to know that what broke us up was distance makes the pain worse. I don’t know where my heads at, I don’t know what to think. Would he rather be single than be with me? Maybe I’m the one to blame, I know I didn’t deserve him but I didn’t know how to handle someone actually respecting me so I went back to my old ways which makes me feel like karma took its place in this relationship. I feel so ashamed for what I did, but no one will know because it might ruin the chance of him and I getting back together.

I’m a selfish person and beauty only lies skin deep. I keep all my thoughts bottled up inside as if I tell someone how I feel they’ll stab me in the back or judge me, and I’m judged enough as it is just as the way I look. I’m a very bitter person, and I turn to things for happiness that I shouldn’t turn too. But Ryan was the only one who made me want to be sober and change who I was,  because even with all my flaws he only saw the good in me, I don’t know how but he found a way, and that’s what made me love him, because he loved me for me. I know I’m young and there will be more to come but I don’t want anyone else, not at least now.

My number one fear that I have being rejected or replaced, with anything. And I do it too other people first so then I know they don’t do it too me in the long run. I think for someone who is only 16, I have too many emotions and think more than I can handle. I’m scared of what my life will become if I continue on the same mind path that I’m on, I need a crutch, I need something to hold on too. I become addicted to things easily, because when you have something in your life that you think is great, why would you want to give it up? I’m a lot to handle, so when I find someone who is willing to put up with all my bullshit that I give out, it makes them special to me because not a lot of people can handle or do that. I feel like in some ways maybe the way Shane is rubbed off on me.

I guess my point is that I’ve had some hard times, and it only takes one more thing to break a person.  But I do believe that God gives you only what you can handle, but maybe God just see’s the potential in everyone and we don’t see it ourselves. Life just sucks to be all honest, and life is only good when you’re doing something about it or have something in your life that gives it meaning. And in some sick way, I will always have some sort of addiction to Shane, that’s why I can never speak to him or see him ever again, and it’s why I’m glad he doesn’t go to school because then I would put myself in the exact same situation as I did before. But maybe that’s another reason why I can’t let go of the past, because I can’t let go of what happened.

People can become addicted to nearly anything, and the reason why people become addicted to things because most people in life need a crutch to hold on too, and to keep them up. I don’t see how something can be so sweet yet so bitter at the same time. At this point and time through all the trial and errors I’ve contemplated on the thought of hard drugs. But why would I do that to myself? I know it would consume my life and end up killing me at one point, I’d lose all the people who love me, so why would I contemplate doing it? I don’t do what I should now, so why do something worse? Maybe for the attention from Shane or Ryan, or maybe because the reason why people do hard drugs is because people need an escape from life, it lifts them up when nothing else can.

I have consumed every ounce of my life into a big ball of sadness and “what if’s”, I’ve always seen the bitter side of things and I will never look on the Brightside of life because there really isn’t a bright side to the things in life. Love is amazing, but when the flame goes out it can kill somebody. so what if I can’t become an optimistic, so what if I’m addicted to things I shouldn’t be. So what if love has consumed my life in every which way and now I feed off of the love from men. I love attention from guys, so what? Who doesn’t.  their attention replaces the ones attention that I want, so I get it from somewhere else.  So what, everybody needs love from something. 

Author's Note

yes i am aware that it's long but if you take the time much appriciated.