Will of life

I stare with a daze of nothing in my eyes, I wonder what more I am and how I can be. I want love so bad, but all I know is pain. I know I’m going to fall and it will hurt, I wish he could see how scared I am but im not trying to lose him. If I tell him what is really going on in my head I don’t know if he will still be there to catch me when I fall. Someone please help me I don’t know where to go from here, I am lost and have no road that I know. I will walk until my feet hurt but the rain will not let up, I scream as I fall to the ground, should I act happy or should I wear black for the emotions I am feeling every day, Why this pain is nonstop. I will be okay but I can see the unhappiness in my spirit. Plain and complicated, I want this so much but I’m ready to give up. He will not ever like me even though he says he does. He says I am amazing and beautiful. I try to trust but I know I will end up with it coming back and hitting me in the face. Here I am alone but I have him, I don’t want him to see me sad or unhappy because he makes me smile every day. Maybe he will find someone else, I hope not, I pray he doesn’t leave me because then I will be alone again and feel every rain drop that hits my face, I want it all to stop just let him see the real me, the me that is scared and needs help every once and a while. The me that is ready to live but will always be shy. I claim I am okay but they all know iv fallen and hope to get back up. The care I never received is creeping back in my memories. I need to tell him about what happened, maybe he will understand why I am afraid of the night. All the right moves in all the wrong places. I don’t like being touched I don’t like someone telling me they love me, except when you do, I want love I want to give love. The pain is the same everyday it all gets too much and I break, I hide it behind my heart that has turned cold. Will you still want me when I tell you what iv been through, I want you to see the real me . Will the bad memoires go away with time, I want to talk to someone, anyone, Just to get the pain out of my system. Inside my heart has turned to black and grey, my vision is color blind, when I see your heart I see the truth I see the real you. Still many questions to be anwsered