Currently Untitled.

Once again dreams are everything.

My son Solomon turned 18 and he went and done something to strike my heart down. He left a letter. Not even the nerve to tell me to my face. As I came home with his favorite cake; strawberry shortcake because I could share a slice with him 'til his father came to retrieve him. I ventured up to his room. It was clean as a whistle and he wasn't there. Maybe he's with some friends. He's 18 after all this is what it should look like right. Over on his desk  lay a letter addressed to 'mamma.'  I looked at the photo of his father, myself, and him all but 8 months young.  My head started to twirl and I took a deep breath,

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Mom,

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I know this may come to a surprise to you. I figured I'd do for me now. I can pay for college now that I've joined the army. I know you and pops said there are other ways to fight, but it would take some stress off of you with the separation from dad and handling the house on your own. I know you are tired mama. I also know that you'd do anything for me. So can you understand me. I love you ma, I will call as soon as I can. Your son, Sol.

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I just thought aloud. "Sometimes you try me so, what's going to become of you!"

I read the letter over and over thinking I was in a nightmare of some sorts. Then I remembered it was his 18th birthday. My child had the nerve the audacity.

7 knocks on the door and some singing that I could hear all the way upstairs.

I held on to the letter and went down to answer the door for his father has arrived. I opened the door slowly. With my head down I slowly looked up.

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"Our son is 18!" "Come in.""Where is my sun, I want to be on time."

He stared at his cake on the table.

"His favorite, you are a wonderful mother."

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"David, he, he are you so sure about that?"

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he laughs."Antonia, What are you talking about woman?"

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"Our son ran off and joined the army. My child, our child had the nerve, the audacity. "

-

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"That's one good joke now come on where is he? Sol come on now we can't be late!"

He called out to our son but his velvet voice echoed. I handed him the letter and walked to the kitchen to brew tea. As he read he cursed.I just sipped my tea and looked out of the window. I heard a sound like he decided to have a seat.I came back into the dining room with a cup of hot tea with agave and his face was filled with worry. Like my heart at the moment.

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He spoke,"Do you think he was still upset about our separation?"

I sipped my tea."I am still upset about our separation, but I don't know. The great conundrum of it all is why didn't I see this coming?"

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he looked at me with a questioning face."Upset? You never told me you were upset. You said you were fine."

"I will say what I have to say for the sake of my sanity. I will say what I have to say for your happiness. My son, the only person who would ever love no matter what I do is now gone. You left, he left. All I care about now is when is my soldier coming home.

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" Look David, take the cake, do with it as you wish. I have somewhere to be." [lying, I had no where to be but in my bedroom crying in the emptiness of my house.

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He finished off his tea and took it to the kitchen. Washed it and looked around the kitchen. He looked at the mug, it was his mug 'World's Greatest Dad!' He looked around the kitchen, he was reliving moments of the house. The walls were talking to him, he didn't want to leave, but he didn't want to upset. He placed his hand on the letter that was on the table and then picked up the cake to take home. "Goodnight Toni." he said to me."Night."

-

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I waited by the phone. The only folks that called me these days were my mother, sister, and neighbor whose son was Solomon's best friend. Now I had to add my son to the list.

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Ring, Ring. 10:15 pm Caller ID said it was David. I picked it up thinking I would be on three way with Solomon, but still thought, why would he call his father first.I picked up without saying anything.It was just him on the line. He spoke knowing I was there.

-----------------"Toni, I never thought I could disappoint you or my son like I did. You were always there. I feel you still are...."

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I remained silent. He continued.

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"I'm still outside in the car, I know this place so well. It's still welcoming. Every time I come over, I don't want to leave. It's truly home. You looked beautiful today, well you always do..."

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I interrupted because I started to feel fire in my soul, then I started to get light headed.

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"I think you're just lonely. Please don't hurt me anymore than I could hurt today. I am weak for your love. I've accepted all your faults with no hesitation. This carrying on that you are doing. Today isn't about you. Today isn't about me. Today is about our son who I was in labor with for 32 hours who decided to arrive on this day at 8:08 am this morning eighteen years ago. I sheltered his body that we created for 32 weeks. He was a creation of the love we had. He was the son you always wanted. Did you really want me though?"

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7 knocks on the door."Can I come in?"I cannot say no on a night like this.I go downstairs with the phone still to my ear. I open the door and hang up. He comes in and I close the door.

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I avert my eyes towards the kitchen and fidget with my hands and I say "care for something to eat, some tea?"As I try to walk past him, he softly grabs me by my waist and pulls me close to him.I was taken aback. It felt surreal. This moment, I backed away and sat down in the dining room chair. He collapsed into my arms then and cried in my bosom. My heart was beating so fast. I told him to get some rest on the couch as I went to retrieve a pillow and blanket. I returned to him looking blankly ahead with a baby shoe in his hand.

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"You are the only best friend I've got."

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I made up the couch for him and told him to get some rest. I kissed his temple, he gently grabbed my face and kissed my lips. I just gave a closed mouth smile and backed away. Retreated to my son's room to lay in his bed. David always had a hard time getting to sleep but I was far away dreaming. The hard wood floors of the house didn't give enough way for someone to be quiet about things. Well except me. I lived in silence most days and nights in this house. Needless to say, he went to the bedroom looking for me, then to our son's room where I lay I opened my eyes just a little to see him. Truth is I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't here. Haven't slept in an empty house in so long.

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"I am glad you came, I would not have been able to sleep in emptiness."

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He sat at the foot of the bed and rubbed my feet.

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"I am always lonely. But I am not here just because you are tangible. I am here because you are abstract. You are the veins of my thoughts pumping throughout every second of the day. Drowning out the tick tocks of the clock. He started singing the song he used to sing to our son when he was a baby. He then spooned me and we fell asleep.

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I awoke the next morning without a thought of yesterdays events. I smelled bacon, eggs, and cinnamon buns.

I woke up in a frantic. "Solomon!" I thought my son is cooking for his own birthday what kind of mother am I?!

I ran down the steps still calling out my son's name. My mouth dropped when I saw David in the kitchen cooking. I froze and stuttered while rubbing my temples for a headache was upon me.

"I, I, I thought it was just a dream."

-

I went into the living room and collapse on the couch. I didn't lose consciousness no, I was just tired and worried. My son didn't call, and no, no he didn't even finish training yet but I felt as if he was on the front line.

[TBC? note to self neighbor]

Author's Note

I wonder if I should continue...