creativity

the struggle for creativity in depression

The spark of creativity is basically nonexistent in the throes of depression or the middle ground malaise of apathy.  The apathy seems to be the most frustrating, a simmering non feeling and that just causes disgust, irritation, or useless rumination if you try to uncover the underlying issues and causes of such a mental/emotional funk.  There is just the vague memory which has become a festering frustration of how badly you want to create where no moving inspiration exists.  The water pressure perhaps exists in the pipers, but the flow cannot be started at the faucet.  A rudimentary and crude analogy, but fitting enough.  You become resigned to the mediocrity or perhaps even resigned to the bare minimum of your self efficacy.  Aware of precious ore and metal thoughts and ideas but seemingly not hardwired with the neurological equipment to mine it, extract it.  The question of whether this self perceived brilliance trapped within is delusional persists.  Maybe you are a very ordinary person who thins and feels erroneously and futilely that something greater is there.  

You can’t tell yourself simply that you lack the will power to grasp it because that implies that all is required of you is choice.  Like turning the faucet spigot is all that is needed (lefty loosey), or swinging the pick axe to get at the gold.  Is the choice of acting your problem, or are you born without a spigot, or a thick wooden handle with no pick at the end.  You don’t know, that’s why you can’t tell yourself it’s simply will power, because that leaves you as an unambitious, relatively unproductive human being full of thought and empathies that you can’t or won’t act upon.  The despair of being stuck in the beginning phases sinks in more as responsibility of normal life and adulthood surrounds and suffocates.  

    You’ve tasted it a few times, likely more often then you realize.  Sometimes it mixes in and spikes through the muck of boredom, frustration, anger, unfeeling, and hopelessness.  It teases you.  Some words poor out, a song is written, research is done, knowledge is studied and retained, music actually has some meaning and beauty in these fleeting moments and you can’t harness it, again the means of sparking, stoking the fire remains alludes you.  Knowing that it is possible to tap into, even if rarely and insufficiently, bring both hope but torture.  Maybe you’d rather be dumb, simple, and pleased with the mundane things of life.  But you know better of yourself, that settling and simplicity feels contrary to your nature and to what you believe, or ant to believe your capable of.  But, perhaps, this is bad faith.
    Anytime that spark comes, you notice that you pounce and suck it dry.  Acting impulsively perhaps, or overly excited.  Little thought for the future is made because you know the future holds no guarantee of feeling motivated, of feeling this fire.  Or, at least, this has been the pattern and you’ve been given very little to think otherwise. 

Reviews

[Matt McCusker]

Depression does suck. I feel like the best thing for it is to force yourself to stay busy. Sucks but it's true. The more you think about anxiety/depression means the less time you spend towards attaining your goals, which leads to more anxiety/depression.

Nice message here. Just need to proofread a little better.