The Consciousness Experiment

  Yes, a lapse of consciousness, that's what it was. But she was so real. And I miss her so much. And the fear, the sorrow, the disappointment- the wide range of emotion. It all felt so... Complete… in the moment.

Nothing completes your life better than a bullet straight to the head. It all happened in my momentary gap- one second at my desk, doing the usual mundane, life-sucking work that my days consisted of, so disgusted with such a s****y job that I could have sworn I was just drifting into a well-needed sleep- the next second, a loaded handgun pointed at my temple, in my backyard, eyes pointed at the blue summery sky.

10:44 a.m., read my computers clock, right before I lost myself.

With no control of my own actions, adrenaline rushed through my suicidal self in that deep unconsciousness. Only it wasn't full unconscious, but rather like I was watching a perspective of myself that I was no longer in physical control of- or in mental control of... Completely. Yet I still watched and wondered, experiencing an unrealistic double consciousness.

It hurt me to pull that trigger, but the me I was spectating felt great about it. What a wonderful thing it was. Life was dull, empty, meaningless. I was headed nowhere, and I was a lonely hermit- one who would have never come out of his shell. I was useless. But I would never do such a thing; the real me. And why was there such a difference in conflict… in the same one person?

The sky disappeared and the loss of function was delivered to me. I felt that cold, shocking nothingness grip my dead body as if it wasn't nothing, and yet, still not something. The "death" here cannot be properly described, even by someone who has experienced it, but what happened after can be described.

The darkness came back, bringing along with it my human-like consciousness, resurrected from the brief death I had just encountered, and a strange voice.

"How was your simulation? Hello? Did he self destruct?"

I felt pressure on my face, and the feeling of hands the exact same temperature as my own releasing a metal strap from my forehead, and pulling off what seemed to be a pair of goggles from my eyes, but incredibly heavy ones at that.

My eyes saw light again, and I was in a silvery room, sleek and simply designed, like the inside of an alien spaceship. My instinct told me to look left, and there beside me was her.

She looked over at me at the same time, and a dark figure pulled off her goggles too, which, when I saw them come off of her face, I realized to be much, much more otherworldly than I had suspected. She was laying down on what seemed to be a complex hospital bed, strapped in tight, with metal constraints, from neck to toe.

But it didn't matter.

I was struck with the warmest, happiest feeling I've ever felt in my 30 years on this planet. I remembered. She was my woman, perfect, beautiful. The memories, the life we had together, everything was so amazing and I wanted nothing more but to hold her body in my arms.

"They've only been gone one minute so far, but the machine says they're already back from the experience. The experiment's results will only be useful after the one-hour mark. I don't think my subject is conscious at all."

I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I was in a trance looking at her; the me that controlled my vocal cords at least. The real me was in panic. "TELL THEM YOU'RE AWAKE. TELL THEM YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THIRTY YEARS. STOP THE EXPERIMENT!"

But nothing came out.

And then, after looking into her eyes for what seemed like a lifetime, but was actually only about 10 seconds, the dark figure grabbed her face, turned it forward again, strapped her forehead to the chair, and placed the goggles back over her eyes. A faint scream, a moment of confusion, and the strange voice again.

"Put him back in. An hour isn't the end of the world. And if they trigger the consciousness alarm again, we'll administer the higher dosage"

And in an instant, the room dissolved into nothing. I became alone, and I understood how horrific it was… we decided to try the experiment so long ago. In a daze, I quickly lifted my head,

"Sleeping on the job, Mike? You slacker!" And laughs.

Had I been sleeping? Of course not. Taking a look at the computer again, I saw the time hadn't changed at all.

10:44 a.m. But did it matter anymore? The insignificance of the time drove me franticly into a terrified wreck. It cannot be.

Stop the experiment. I have nothing here. I need her now. Can she think of me wherever she is?