Wake Up, You're Here

Story of the afterlife. How a dude handles it.

He told me he was going to kill me.
And he seemed very serious.
At least I think he was, I really wasn't paying attention.
I figured he was joking.
But then he killed me.

By now, of course, I've figured out that he wasn't teasing.

But I'm dead.
So I've got to wonder, why the hell am I still here?
Firstly, I have to figure out where exactly 'here' is.
It's all pretty dull.
Lots of corn.
Lots of white.
It looks a lot like Nebraska.
I hate Nebraska.

Now I'm not exactly sure whether this is all real or not.
But I know I'm not dreaming.
Because you don't feel it when a car runs you over.
Twice.

I do wish I knew who the fellow was and what I'd done to wrong him.
What could I have done to piss him off so?
Did I do his wife?
Course not, haven't slept with a women since Karen and I were wed.

Oh, that reminds me.
Karen.
I wonder how she's taking all this.
Probably not that well.
I did have a big life insurance policy though.
And we did just have a fight.
Could Karen have had me killed?
No. What nonsense.

 

And Sam.

Oh, he must be so worried.

I was going to play catch with him.

He was Babe Ruth.

I was Nolan Ryan...

I say, what is that big ray of light up ahead?

*bell rings*

"You have reached Heaven. I'm sorry but God is away right now. Please hold"

*smooth jazz begins to play*
 

God not in heaven?

This is crazy!
This is absurd!
This is lunacy!
This is whatever other word means 'crazy'!

-Good God, will you shut up!-
I say, who said that?
-Me, the big disembodied voice-
Are you God?
-Oh course I'm not God, otherwise I'd have said 'Good Me!' when I asked you to shut your mouth-
So who are you?
-I am Peter. I hold the keys to Eternity-
Aren't you supposed to be watching the gates. Speaking of that, where are the gates?
-I'm vacationing at the moment. But I couldn't resist playing that recording. Works all the time-

*silence*

Well...
-Well what?-
How do I get into Heaven?
-Well you simply walk-
Walk where?
-Ahead. You'll reach the gates eventually-
Wait, you mean I'm a ways away? Do you guys have bad travel agencies up here or something?
-We feel you'll need the walk. To come to terms with the fact that you're dead-
You know you could get sued for behavior like this.
-There are no lawyers in Heaven. Haven't you ever watched a sitcom before?-
Of course.
-Then walk-

Well how long is the walk?
-Aways-
I thought everything became clear to you after you died
-No. Just when you enter Heaven-
That's a bit overwhelming.
-Yeah well, you still have crap for brains a while longer. So start marching-
Where are you going?
-Back to the Bahamas. I'll check in on you in a while-

*click*
*dial tone*

What a pisser.

----

Well...I've been walking for an hour.
No sign of any gates or trumpet playing winged men in robes.
No sign of a big dude with a beard.
Hey I wonder if grandma's here.
Or Sparky.
Is there a dog Heaven? I'll have to see.
I wonder how Karen is doing.

"Dear lord. Help me to overcome my pain"

I say, Karen?
"Help me find the strength to move on"
Karen?
"Help me to comfort my child. Please Lord"
Karen.
"Please"
My God.
"Please"

*sobbing from unknown source*

Karen. Do not cry.
Please Karen, do not cry.

*sobbing stops*

Do not weep for me.
I will always love you.
Do not cry for me.
I will always be here for you.
Do not cry.
I will watch over you.

*silence*

"In the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit. Amen. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God"

*Karen's voice falls into silence*

-Well done-
Oh, it's you.
-Yes, it's me-
Have you been watching?
-You could say that. I haven't been looking away-
This was a test.
-Indeed-
I must comfort those who loved me before I can move on.
-Yes-

Could-could she hear me?
-Don't be silly, of course not. But she could feel you. Feel your presence-
Really?
-Have you never felt the touch of a loved one who no longer lives? Have you ever felt that they are standing beside you, when you find their old things. They are always here, my friend. Always. As shall you be, until Karen meets you-
I see.
-You do. You have reached the gate-

*glances up*

Wow.
-Yes. Wow.-
It's magnificent.
-It's the gateway to eternity, I'd imagine they spit shine it every now and then-
And this is where we part.
-Indeed-
Thank you, Peter.
-Of course. Just be sure not to tell too many people I'm not at my desk. The big man wouldn't like it-
Indeed.

*Peter laughs*

Will I get to meet him?
-Who?-
God.
-Of course-
Does he have a sense of humor?
-He created you didn't he?-
Ha.
-Goodbye, Dan-

*trumpets sound*
*laughter and voices echo ahead*

Goodbye.

FIN

Reviews

[Raef C. Boylan]

I really like this. I remember another story of yours that dealt with the afterlife...I think this one is better, although I enjoyed that one too; chaotic and buearaucratic haha.
I liked the idea of a long walk, still unenlightened, before a person reaches the gates.

Peter's mocking attitude and slick, sarcastic lines work really well as a contrast to Dan's human confusion.
"It's the gateway to eternity, I'd imagine they spit shine it every now and then" [lol]
"There are no lawyers in Heaven. Haven't you ever watched a sitcom before?" [lol]
"Me, the big disembodied voice" [lol]
Yeah, his casual attitude really reflects the fact that he's done this millions of times, while it feels new to each person who finds his/herself there.

Dan's voice seemed mostly great too, although there were a few places where it didn't feel right to me, like
sentences starting with "I say" [maybe I figured his character wrong, but he seems like a regular working class guy, and "I say" seems kind of a posh interjection].

The final conversational exchange between them is uplifting, like they're on equal terms, which is shown by the easy banter. Good ending.

"Help me to comfort my child. Please Lord" - seems like they have a kid, yet I don't recall Dan thinking about his kid even once.

"This is absurd!
This is lunacy!
This is craziness!
This is whatever other word means 'crazy'!" - crazy coming so soon after craziness kind of defeats the object, yet at the same time I feel that this is maybe supposed to tell us something about Dan, like he has a limited vocabulary - or it's supposed to be funny, having two so-similar words [?] Not sure which was the intended effect, if either of them. Don't forget 'insane' is an option.

Overall, this piece has a very-almost-finished feel to it [quite rare on the Cafe]. You've written this really well; it's an enjoyable story...and the composed-of-dialogue style lends it further originality.

Great write.
Thanks for sharing it with me.

[~Sorcha~]

I liked this, though it made me kinda sad. It is a bit bittersweet, and the bit of sarcasm in it is fun too. I can't remember the two words I am thinking of, but basically it's when adding a bit of laughter and humor to something thats sad to sort of lighten the mood, but I keep blanking on what thats called because I am totally that stupid. But, as I was saying, yeah I like this and everything, though it is still sad.

[Tony Woods]

This was pretty good Mike, I liked the little clips of humor here and there, the elevator music definetly gave me a chuckle. I can imagine all that anticipation only to find out that God is away and you have to listen to elevator music...that's more like hell to me. The corny joke about lawyers was well placed, and I'm glad you let the reader know that you're very aware of the corniness (not sure if that's a word). Simple, but very effective, like Hemingway. I like the way it's set up as well, read very quickly, more poetic and less prosey, but read like quick prose, very nice. It's always fun to throw in your two cents on the afterlife, and though this is a reletively sad story, it ends on a high note, which makes it easier to swallow (for me anyway). I'm a sucker for happy endings.

[Angel's Lady]

Well, I would never call it a comedy, for it does offer a unique perspective of the 'afterlife' and oddly enough (I wonder if that means I'm odd, hmmm), I found your version kind of comforting. It makes me feel good inside to know that Peter spends time in the Bahamas. Of course, I liked your version of Hell, too.

Great write, Michael. Terrific storyline. Too bad about Dan, though, nice guy.

[Picture of Poetry]

I agree with "Blade and Blood" it was emotional and funny all together. This was really good, and long(he he he he he) Really, really, good. Hhhmmmm what else, oh yeah! The title is what grabbed me. It is a funny and unique title. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. :))

[Blade & Blood (The ..]

That was great! Emotional, funny. This was a neat story; it even had a simple message to it, but I'm sure there's more, depending on the reader, of course. I personally find it very entertaining when I read others' views or beliefs on the afterlife: It's such a pleasure. ^^ Love the last lines... very reminiscent of our talk. ;)

Ironically Yours.

[pal]

"But I'm dead.
So I've got to wonder, why the hell am I still here?
Firstly, I have to figure out where exactly 'here' is.
It's all pretty dull.
Lots of corn.
Lots of white.
It looks a lot like Nebraska.
I hate Nebraska."

I like your style of writing.. very light yet lot punch that knocks out the reader for sure..

A good one.. go ahead do more..

pal

[jumbie's #1 fan]

Wow, this is truly amazing. I love the way it was arranged, and how Peter is given a personality. It is really cool how realistic it sounds.

[DarkIriswriter]

hmmm... What to say its hard coming of a review for this peice.It has good descriptive details I would place it for 18 yr and older for the censory details.love how you gave the characters personalities that fit them to the T.

sara

[Hannah!]

I don't think there's much I can say that C. Boylan didn't say already. I liked this. I liked it a lot. It's rare that a story makes me laugh out loud--this one did. I have a feeling that I will be coming back to read it a few more times in the future.

Great write. One of the funniest things I've read in a long while.