Breakups

Am I … goanna be ok? Course you will, it’s just a relationship

But, what was the reason for it?

She didn’t give me a reason,

I need a reason so I can move on

It was so sudden I didn’t even see it coming at all

How come she can just want that,

And without a discussion too.

She     lied to me

I was forced to believe that every ting was ok

How do you just lose interest, there has to be a reason? How could things just plummet down without my awareness. Was I ignorant towards you? But I did my best, didn’t I?

If my best isn’t good enough then, what does it take, I gave you the benefited of the dought, I didn’t want to seem paranoid so I over looked any speculation, but then you called it off. And with so much conviction too, as if you were bottling it up until it became unbearable

Wait,

This, is a joke

Yeah, that’s it

Its, it’s just a prank

Right

Any time now I’ll get that text

“I made a mistake, I’m sorry”

But it’s been days

Its ok I’ll wait

Then, weeks

Hmm, I’ll wait longer

Months

Why?

I still remember it clearly

In that short moment of silence, I attempted to race through the stages of grief, in an effort to cheat the process, I wasn’t goanna bargain, I wasn’t goanna beg her

If this was supposed to last you wouldn’t put me in that undignified position, I wasn’t goanna badger her with questions in hopes to appease my painful curiosity

Let’s just fast forward a bit and pretend that I accepted your decision, Things are all right now. No regrets… I’ve moved on, but that’s the thing about pretending, when there is no one else around, you’re only fooling yourself.

Throughout your life people will often tell you that everything happens for a reason, and while I may agree to that to some extent, I also believe that it isn’t necessarily your job to find those reasons. Sometimes its ok to avoid the painful journey to the truth, sometimes it’s better to just focus on accepting things despite the lack of clarity

And move on

Once again, I found someone who was interesting, we like the same music, had the same sense of humor, so on and so on, Someone, who I was once again compatible with, I balanced my priorities between school, friends, family, sports practice every day, and her. But the stress accumulated. We were in a stable relationship

Or so I thought

We had a mutual agreement that honesty between us was important. It meant sharing everything with each other, no secrets. It meant setting aside our egos, no arguments

But what it came down to most of all, was trust, and after nine months of being together, that agreement was broken. It was the first week of school, I remember it happened on a Thursday, I got home in the evening and received a text

“hay want to skype”

I found it odd because we usually do that together right before we go to sleep. But I got on

I started the call

And I saw her there

Crying

“hay what’s wrong”

“I… I want to break up”

When you hear those words after believing you were in something so solid, so stable, you become flooded with concern and curiosity, And the first question you prioritize is

Why?

Why now?

Why not earlier?

Why are you the one crying?

Why aren’t we doing this in person?

But it doesn’t stop there

How?

How long have you felt this way?

How can you expect me to believe that?

What?

What did I do wrong

What will become of us now?

And it continues, because those questions branched out into more and more and more, Until I was left with an insatiable tree that seeked the truth

Curiosity was my gluttony

“I, I’m goanna go, I have some work to do, I’ll talk to you later”

The call ends, only a few of my questions were answered, but even then, the trust was already broken. And I was compelled to discredit any truth in her answers. I didn’t do my work, I went to sleep, hoping this was all a nightmare

But I woke up the next day only to face the harsh truth that, the world continues no matter what, whether its losing a relationship, losing a loved one, or just losing,

If you fall behind, then you are left behind, Friends tried to console me but, there words were drowned beneath the questions in my head “will we ever be friends again? Why didn’t she tell me something was wrong? I miss her, I miss her so much”

I eventually came to accept my situation

And in an attempt to fix myself I figured, all I need to do is find someone new. You know when you toy breaks and it cannot be fixed you get a new one, but that’s an unreal ideology. And it doesn’t work for every body

In my vanity I believed I was such a good partner that I found it unfair to be punished like this, about a year later, I got over her. I still missed her being a part of my life, but accepted that she was a thing of the past. something that I can’t bring back

She was a previous chapter of witch I can only indulge in while rereading the story but not relive the experience, I gave up the search I gave up the questions, they didn’t need answers

You see, when a toy breaks you’re not always ready for a new one, sometimes you have to remain in the state of being without a toy to reflect upon yourself you have to learn to be strong on your own, and exist in independence.

You’re not supposed to go looking for a new toy, you wait until you’ve earned it, as a gift.

People will often tell you that everything happens for a reason, but it isn’t necessarily your job to find those reasons. sometimes the best thing to do is just accept. And move on.