Zelda Zombie

A little fun with Zombies

Zelda Zombie

Not all tales are worth telling, perhaps this is one of them, I'm not quite sure.

You see...the thing is, I'm not quite so sure of it's nature.

And therein lies the problem.

Is it a romance story, a horror story, murder mystery, or sci-fi?

Perhaps it's all the aforementioned, I don't know.

What I do know is...well...no...I don't know that either.

My mother was a wonderful lady. She was tall, blonde, had a wonderful smile,

and keen sense of humor and, and, well, that is where our problem begins.

She named me Zombie the day I was born.

She thought it would be the most hilarious thing.

My mother was a Zombie too, literally.

She married my father Mark, whose sir name was, as I'm sure you've already guessed, Zombie.

I don't know anyone with the last name Zombie.

I certainly don't know anyone named Zombie Zombie.

To make matters worse, she gave me the middle name Brain.

I was Zombie Brain Zombie.

What kind of crazy woman was my mother?

Actually...she was crazy.

My father met her at the mental institution.

They were both patients and, well, it seemed only fitting they should fall in love and be married.

Not long afterwards they were released because the institution had run out of space.

The institution also had this odd rule about Zombie married couples. Who knew?

They were released under a newly instituted, “Not So Dangerous to Society...We Hope,”program.

It was the institutions new, “Hope and Release,” experimental program.

Growing up wasn't easy with a name like Zombie.

My teachers thought I was trying to be funny when they asked for my name.

I was sent to the principles office more than once.

Once I punched Mary Ellen Skymaker in the nose for teasing me.

She kept shouting,

"Zombie Brain Eater."over and over, again.

I had had enough and let her have it.

I didn't care that she was a girl.

I think she might have been one of those transgender girls because when I hit her again I thought maybe I had punched a brick wall. She was nothing but solid, steroid enhanced, muscle.

When I was 18 my girlfriend Zelda was bitten by some girl who had gone mad.

They took the mad girl to the institution where my parents had met.

We never saw her again.

Not long after being bitten, Zelda began acting strange.

I thought maybe she had rabies or something.

Her eyes became red, her hair became stiff, and wire like.

It started falling out in large patches.

She looked like a old mangy dog.

She started to walk funny too.

Later she began mumbling weird things like,

“I want to eat your brain.”

She sounded just like Boris Karloff.

It was becoming a bit annoying.

Whose Boris Karloff you ask?...Look it up.

She put both hands on my head and started moving them around as if making measurements of my skull.

I loved Zelda, really I did, but this was getting creepy.

And besides, think how it would sound if we got married.

“Zelda Melda Zombie.”

Did I forget to tell you her middle name was Melda?

Seems her mom had a sense of humor too.

There was only one thing to do; break it off.

It was the only thing I could do.

Sandy Ghoochmack was standing right behind me when I announced my intentions of breaking off my relationship with Zelda Melda.

Sandy had always had a crush on me since the time we were both in first grade. She rushed up beside me, looped her arm around my waist and said,

“That's right Zellie, he's mine now.”

Sandy went missing sometime afterwards. Nobody has ever figured out what happened.

Suspicious eyes always pointed to Zelda Melda.

Did I fail to mention that Zelda's last name was also Melda.

She was Zelda Melda Melda.

Her mom really did have a sick sense of humor. I think she and my mother were related.

On a bright sunny morning, Zelda wandered off into Dark Woods Park.

It was as though she had been called.

A bright light shone in the distance and she walked toward it, and into it.

She disappeared in a mist of sparkles.

Seven days later she returned.

She was back to being her normal Zelda Melda again, except, she had no recollection of the past seven days.

In fact, she had no recollection of the past three months.

That's when all this weirdness began.

The townsfolk were miffed by all the strange turning of events.

Some thought she was possessed.

Others claimed she had been abducted by aliens.

There was much speculation.

The truth was, nobody really knew what had happened.

I didn't care as long as I had my Zelda Melda back.

I was in love all over again.

Zelda Melda Zombie wasn't sounding too weird anymore.

Gosh, she might become my bride someday after all!

One day I remember asking,

“Hmm, I wonder whatever happened to Sandy Ghoochmack?”

Zelda's eyes developed a sinister, yet playful look to them.

She smiled, and in an eerie voice said,

“Hmm, Zombie Brain, it is a bit mysterious now, isn't it?”

And so, you ask, what is the point of this story?

Well, that's just it, there is no point and you just wasted three or four minutes of your life, which, in truth, might actually be the point.

Someday, as you lie upon your deathbed, you'll wish for those three or four minutes back.

And what will your final thoughts be?

“Damn that Zelda.”

And...that's my story.

The End