Fallen

At least when I'm older I can tell my kids how I met an angel. How it was utterly impossible not to fall for her and all the beauty she possessed. I can tell them that the universe confused me at times. I didn't know if she was supposed to be with me or someone else. I can look them in the eyes and tell them with all honesty that she showed me true love. That when I was with her it was ensured that I was happy and complete. Do I tell them about the times that the angel cried? And how sometimes it was due to my neglect. Do I tell them that I loved her? Or do I tell them all the ways I was in love with her? But once everything is said and done do I tell them to look at their mom or explain that I let my angel fly away with broken wings? That I cannot answer.

“Was it an actual angel with fluffy wings?” Vanessa asked.

At age four she was smart, a little too smart. The ambition she held was overwhelming. Of course I was proud that my daughter was smarter than most her age but she knew how to work people. She knows what makes them tick and she’ll see how far she can go.

“Kind of, she looked like one but she didn’t have wings.” I chuckled.

“Why not? So she wasn’t an angel then.” she concluded in her own mind.

“Trust me she was but a broken one.”

“So she broke her wings?”

I took a deep breath and sighed as the brown eyed girl looked up at me. I didn’t think it would be this complicated to tell a bedtime story. But she was right in a sense. The angel I knew had broken her wings.

“Yes, she expected people to catch her when she fell but no one did.”

“But she can just fly duh she has flappy things.”

“Wings.”

“Yes wings.”

“Okay but you can still fall if you have wings, you just don’t expect it.”

“I guess.” she said thinking about it as she waited for me to continue.

“Well the angel with the broken wings carried a smile on her face.”

“Wouldn’t she be sad?”

“It wasn’t a real one you see someone can be sad but fake a smile. Smiling doesn't necessarily mean you’re happy.”

Ness sat up in her twin sized bed that was close to the ground. She played with her fingers for a minute and looked up at me with curiosity. It pooled her eyes as her little mind tried interpreting my words. She pulled her princess themed blankets on her lap. Of course her favorite was Bell. It was no surprise because the four year old resembled her without a doubt. In fact her whole room was a disney princess theme. So many times she has asked for the same thing for christmas that was right around the corner. It’s almost a fact that she will get duplicates of the same doll or maybe even the same book.

“So are you happy? You smile.”

It was a moment of silence. Was I happy? I couldn’t even say if I was or not. I decided to guess or in other words lie to her.

“Yes, I am happy.”

“Good because you smile all the time.”

Doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time though, I thought to myself.

“What else about the angel was she pretty?”

“Oh she was but not just on the outside.”

“How can you tell if someone's beautiful on the inside?”

“You get to know them and figure out for yourself.”

“So an angel who is beautiful all over.”

“She was smart, funny, even her laugh was a contagious thing.”

“She made knock knock jokes?”

“That and just the things she did, she was clumsy.” I reflected with a bright smile across my face.

“She slipped in the shower sometimes because she would be dancing around, probably singing from the top of her lungs.”

The little girl bursted out laughing when I told her the story.

“Why doesn’t she have one of those thingys that we have in the shower? I don’t slip.”

“She really needed one but I never got around to getting one for her.”

“She should've bought one.”

I chuckled a little at her comment. She was definitely right, the girl would always tell me about how she busted her a*s while showering. It was like a daily routine which made me question how she did it all the time.

“I was too busy fixing her wings, remember they were broken?”

“Oh I almost forgot about that.”

“Yeah so I had to help fix them not because I felt like I had to but because I loved her. I would do anything to help her.”

“So did you help her?’

“I tried to help her but you can’t always help someone who pushes you away.”

“She pushed you away?”

“Not physically, you see she let her life become a door.”

She nodded her head in agreement and Nessa was generally interested in what was coming next. I honestly didn’t know if she really understood where I was going or if she just thought she understood.

“How was it a door? What does that mean?”

“It means that she allowed people to come and go as they please.”

“Like a doggie door.”

“Yeah, she let people leave her life when they wanted to and walk back in when they felt like it.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“She always wanted someone who was going to stay there through everything. When things got absolutely horrible for her and when she was at her mightiest moment. She desired someone who wouldn’t just walk away from her. She wanted all this but the thing is she was just too blind to see that it was right in front of her.”

The irony, it was so ironic and I just didn’t understand it all. How you  could be so desperate for someone to see you and want someone to be there for you. It just didn’t make sense, it never actually did. The oblivion was just astonishing and very painful at the same time. I let out a sigh just thinking about it. All the pain I went through just being there.

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“You read my mind.”

“Why couldn’t she just realize that she was lucky?”

“You see she gave me the key to that door.”

“So you were the only one who could get in then.”

“Not really that’s what I thought as well.”

“So everyone had a key?”

“No she gave me the key but the door was always unlocked I just didn’t know it. She valued the people who betrayed her which didn’t make sense at all but that’s what happened.”

Now she understood. I knew she did because of the look in her eyes.

“Then how was she an angel?”

“She caused pain to me but at the same time I couldn’t get over the fact that I knew she was broken. She was just numb to it all. She settled that’s what it is. She didn’t expect to have it all or something better. She only knew the ones who were never good enough for her.”

“Did you love her?”

I nodded slowly not because I wasn’t sure. I knew for a fact that I loved her. Maybe not loved but love. I still loved her even if she wasn’t around anymore. You shouldn’t feel pain from people you don’t love.

“I loved her with all my heart.”

“Like me?”

Vanessa’s question made my heart melt. She knew I loved her. What a silly question to be asking me.

“Of course I love you what do you mean?”
“I was just asking because you really love her.”

“Well I love you, even more than her.”

I smiled at her reassuringly.

“Well I love you too.”

“I mean I hope so.”

“Can I ask another question?”

“Go ahead.”

“Is mommy the angel you’re talking about?”

She waited for a response. I feel like she expected me to say yes to her. Yes, it was your mother. I thought in my head but that was a pure lie. I became the one who had settled. I started realizing that I settled for something good. Something safe. Something safe isn’t always the best thing. Safe isn’t always better than being sorry. Sometimes it’s better to be sorry. To fall so deep in love that it hurts, that it just kills you. That is better than being safe but I chose to be safe. And the answer Ness was waiting on would never come because I would never tell her that her mother wasn’t the one I was speaking of.