Someone's Thinking About You

A romance written long ago. I'm always hesitant to put this one up, because it's dear to me and rather personal. I dreamed it originally.

"Someone's thinking about you," whispered Kat, touching her necklace as she turned onto the highway. The rain was falling softly and the whole sky was gray, a blue-gray, like, like... She smiled, just the hint of a rueful smile with a touch of something like sadness, as she remembered the first time she'd ever appreciated that color. That had been the day she'd met Ash, was it four years ago?
She'd been standing on the stage at an acting camp and suddenly someone had been right in front of her. (This was surprising, seeing as she'd always been so careful not to make too much contact with anyone, especially people she didn't know.) She had followed with her eyes the white hand coming towards her neck. The other person was barely inches away. She gasped as the girl in front of her reached for her necklace, which hung low on her chest. "Someone's thinking about you." said the girl. Kat looked up for the first time and into a pale angular face framed with brown hair. "What?" "Your necklace- the clasp is in the front- someone's thinking about you." To Kat's great surprise Ash reached for the necklace and turned the clasp to the back, putting her hands lightly on her neck. The girl peered at her curiously from beneath a close fitting hat. She looked at her with eyes the color of a cold winter morning, of the sea at night, of a rainstorm just passed. Blue-gray.
Kat snapped back into reality as the black truck beside her came dangerously close. She was on her way to see Ash in Connecticutt. They had kept in touch through email ever since that summer. Ash was a fairly unique person and a charismatic actress, in part because of those magnetic eyes, and it was hard to forget her. Kat was rather the opposite. She was fairly pretty, with long golden hair and the darkest, blackest eyes, always full of some strong sad emotion that she didn't fully understand. But there was something about her that just faded away, like a footprint in the sand, always washed away by the waves. She had learned to accept it and to use her talent for invisibility. So it had surprised her that Ash had called asking her to come see her. And she had gotten in the car entirely too willingly to drive the 50 miles to Wessley. She sighed and the smile faded. Apparently Ash 'needed advice' on something. She had explained that she had to go back the same day, not wanting to sound too willing. Really, she would do just about anything for Ash, but she knew it was probably a bad idea to tell her that. She shook her head, turning up the blaring music in the car and focused on the wet road ahead of her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ash smiled in relief as the red car pulled into her driveway, all slick and shiny in the misty rain. Heedless of the wet, she ran out to greet her friend. Kat had changed. She had always been pretty, always had the type of sadness that only comes from an old soul, and it had made her shine with a quiet passion that was always just beneath the surface. Ash had never quite understood it, but she was pretty sure Kat hadn't either. But now, now she was all long legs and luscious hair, her face flitting through several different emotions as she stared at the rain, turning the ignition off, not yet having noticed Ash striding towards her. She turned, and lit up. She looked a little bit like she had been drowning and someone had saved her. Nah, that was just Ash's poetic mind making up nonsense. Either way, Kat slid out of the car and caught her in a tight embrace. Ash hugged her back, and, pressed up against her, noticed the scent she wore that blended so well with the rain, and the soft way her hand rested at the small of Ash's back... Shaking off those thoughts, Ash pulled back slightly, "Hi..."
"Ash," said Kat, with a smile of affection and warmth. They looked at one another for a moment, lost in the happiness of reunion, until both seemed to notice how close they were at the same second. They broke the embrace, looking down, and Ash led her into the house. After the usual How-have-you-been's and We-shouldn't-have-waited-so-long-to-see-each-other's, Kat said,
"So. Tell me why I'm here,"
"Because you looove me and you missed me?" Ash teased, sidling closer and raising her eyebrows. Kat resisted the urge to take her seriously.
"Besides that. The 'advice' you needed? From me of all people?"
"Oh that..."
Kat waited silently. She glanced around the small sitting room beside the bay window. Not bad for an 18-yr-old. Ash turned serious.
"I got relationship trouble,"
Kat scoffed. "And so you called me because of my previous glowing successes? You might have some other troubles too..."
"You're good to talk to..." she said simply.
Kat inhaled to say something else, but was hit by a sudden surge of emotion. She turned to look out the window, trying to hide the look on her face. Ash saw it anyway. "Thanks," said Kat. Disbelief colored her tone.
She glanced at Ash quickly and saw those eyes meet hers. She was caught there for a moment, trying to feel her expression from the inside out. She wondered what it looked like. Ash held her gaze until Kat dropped her eyes, flushing slightly.
"Relationship trouble." said Kat, "Do tell..."
"Well..." Ash seemed to be struggling for words. "I-I've been going out with this guy, Ryan, for a while."
"And...?"
"I keep feeling, like, like I can't live without him, like he's the only reason I get up in the morning, but it scares me. It's because...because he appreciates me, and..."
She trailed off. Kat was carefully silent.
"Sometimes I think I love him."
Kat met her eyes, and Ash saw a small flash of something-pain?-before the warm smile. Ash's alabaster brow creased with thought.
"But, I don't know if I do. I don't know if it's real or if I'm just making it up to be happy about something, anything- you know?"
Kat knew.
"Well," she whispered, her voice almost catching. She cleared her throat. "If you're happy, does it really matter?"
The other girl stared into space for a second, looking worried and upset. "...Yes. I don't think he loves me. He likes me, but he doesn't need me. I can't go through this, not again..." Her voice shook.
Kat put her hand over Ash's, moving her thumb back and forth reassuringly. When their hands touched, Ash looked up into her face, and she relived that first moment all over again. Those gray eyes filled with tears, and one slipped glittering onto her pale cheek. Kat swallowed hard, thinking that there was nothing in the world worse than seeing her friend cry. All she wanted to do was hold her and make it better. Unthinking, she lifted her hand and brushed her thumb along Ash's cheekbone, capturing the tear and leaving a shining smudge across her skin all the way to her jaw, hand coming to rest lightly on the delicate neck just below it. She felt Ash shiver. They were very close now, and Kat met Ash's anguished eyes, and saw only one thing: the need to feel loved. Before she could do anything stupid, she pulled her forward into an embrace. "You know I'll always be here if you need me." she breathed, lips almost touching Ash's ear. Ash hugged her tighter and mumbled into her neck, "Thanks."
She pulled back and looked Kat in the eyes. "Will you...could you...stay with me..tonight?" Her voice was husky and raw from crying. Kat remembered to breathe.
"Of course." She answered, unafraid to appear to eager now, all she wanted was to make the tears stop.
"I need you." It was so quiet, it was almost as if she had only thought it, but Ash saw Kat's reaction. It was almost as if she was being lifted up and torn apart all at the same time. Some part of Ash watched in fascination the passionate emotion she had caused, but she felt guilty for doing that to her friend. No, she felt guilty for liking it. She had never had that much power over anyone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On the pull out couch in the middle of the night, Kat woke up with a gasp, feeling a twist in her stomach. Without really thinking about what she was doing, she got up and went to Ash's door. She heard the sobs and labored breathing from inside. The hall was pitch black and there was no light in the room ahead of her. Gently, she pressed on the door and it swung in just a crack, just enough for her to see Ash curled on the bed. She was on her side hugging her knees to her chest. The sheets were wrapped tightly around her, and where her tanktop was scrunched there was a flash of white skin at the curve of her back. Another sob racked her body in the darkness, and Kat had to open the door the rest of the way. She had to slip into the room and put her arms around Ash, holding her, supporting her. The other girl cried into her chest for a minute, and when the comfort of being held made her sobs ebb, she looked up into Kat's face. "How did you know?"
"I just knew." She whispered in reply. Ash bit her lip, and, seeing her friend's pain, Kat breathed, "Don't cry, please..." Her voice broke, and slowly she leaned in to kiss the tearstained cheek. She let her lips rest there for a moment, eyes closed, then hugged Ash. She held her for a while longer in the darkness, and then stroked her hair out of her face. "Get some rest now." She said gently. As Kat started to pull away, Ash clutched her back to her chest. "Don't leave me," she whispered brokenly. Instantly she felt Kat lean into her and her lips were at Ash's ear, "I'll never leave you. I'm here as long as you want me."
"Good..." They settled back into the bed, and Ash leaned her head on Kat's shoulder as she drifted into unconsciousness. Kat watched her sleep there until she finally drifted off. She dreamed of rain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kat pressed closer to Ash as the morning chill penetrated sleep. She felt the warmth of the small form beside her and was drawn to it. Slowly, she opened her eyes. The sky was still gray outside and the room was shadowy. She saw the white sheet hugging Ash's sleeping body, felt the rhythmic breathing. She sat up. Looking down on Ash, she seemed so vulnerable. Her face was vaguely sad, and the long brown eyelashes curved up from her angular cheekbones. The sheet only covered halfway up her arm, and Kat could see that her strap had fallen, her exposed collarbone shadowed in the morning light. Her hair was spread on the pillow, and her arms were tucked around her tightly. She's so much more beautiful than she realizes, thought Kat. She started to get out of the bed, but paused. Hesitantly, she moved back towards Ash and very softly, lightly, traced a line all the way down from her neck to the sheet on her bare arm, caressing the hollow of her throat, her smooth shoulder, the soft inside of her arm. In her sleep, Ash shuddered a sigh, and Kat bit her lip, getting up quietly and slipping out of the room.

"How will I get by for a week?" said Ash as she helped Kat get her things together. "I'll be back, don't worry, and if you really need me, all you have to do is call and I'll be here."

"I missed you," Ash admitted quietly. "I missed you too," said Kat, "But then, you already knew that." She smiled. "Kat?" She looked up at the change in tone. "Thanks. I really needed that. It's just... after Max... I, I just need that feeling back."

"Everyone wants to be loved," Kat looked down, catching Ash's hand. "Do you love me?" Ash whispered. "Of course." said Kat with quiet passion. There was such intensity behind it, Ash didn't know how she meant it, but she could tell that she did. They walked out into the rain, to the sleek red car idling in the gravel driveway. Ash hugged her tight, and pulled back to look straight into her face. "Things will get better," said Kat. "Next weekend. You are coming back." Ash looked at her with desperation. "Yes. Next weekend." Kat smiled and hugged her friend close. Then she got into her car and watched Ash get smaller in the misty rear-view mirror.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It rained hard all that week. Kat waited for Saturday when she could see Ash again. She even dreamed of her once... So when the week ended, she drove above the speed limit to Ash's small house, her red car slick with rain again. She pulled into the driveway with crunching tires on the gravel, and was relieved to see Ash standing on the porch. She looked happier. Kat got out of the car and met her, hugging her and saying, "How are you?"
Ash smiled, the sadness was gone, Kat was glad to see, but so was that beautiful vulnerability, she noticed. "Better...Good."
"So...."
"I love him." she said smiling again. "I'm sure this time. And he loves me too. He said so." There was an off note in Ash's voice, but she clearly wanted to believe what she was saying.
Kat had prepared herself for this, and her face was happy and relieved as she said, "I knew it. You were just a little confused, that's all."
They went inside and Ash laughed and talked, trying hard to convince Kat and herself that she was totally fine. "There will be no crying this time then?"
"Nope- no crying."
"Good."
"So." said Ash, studying her. "What's wrong?"
Kat winced inwardly- God she was perceptive. "I'm fine- just a little tired."
"Uh huh...."
"Really."
"Ok, good."
They went to lunch at a small restaurant in the city and arrived back at Ash's house at dusk.
"Well, I should go soon if I want to make it home tonight."
"Ok. We really need to keep this going," said Ash, smiling as they sat by that bay window.
"Yeah we do."
In the comfortable silence that followed, Kat stared out at the rain, sipping her tea, but the warmth of it didn't stay with her. It was snuffed out by the cold in her stomach.
"He never would've known." said Ash.
"What?"
"He never would've known how I felt if I hadn't told him. And I never would have gotten past this."
Kat felt her heart drop through the floor. "So...what you're saying is..."
"If you love someone, tell them or you might never get anything back."
"I'll do that..." Kat smiled ruefully, ( it was clear that Ash didn't love him) but her heart was beating fast. She knew she had to leave before she did anything really stupid.
"I should, umm, go."
"Thanks for helping me through this. You're a good friend." said Ash with gratitude.
"No problem." Kat said as she hugged her. "I'll show myself out. Call me so that we can do this again. It was fun."
She started to leave the room, and stopped in the doorway.
Because the sky was blue-gray.
She turned, with a sigh, and set her bag down by the door. "Ash?"
What are you doing?! she asked herself.
She walked into the room where Ash was still sitting by the big window. "Yeah?"
"I might not be able to come back for a while."
"Why not?"
"I can't really explain, but you can still call me if you really need me. I just, I can't come back for a while."
Ash stared at her with an expression like fear and sadness in her eyes. Like she thought she had done something to drive Kat away. Kat swallowed hard. It has to be this way, she thought. But...
She turned and stopped again. "Ash? ....Before I go, I need something from you. Just one thing and then I'll go."
Ash swallowed hard and cleared her throat. "Ah, sure. Whatever you need."
Kat met her eyes and looked down again. She took a deep steadying breath. Then, she strode across the room to where Ash was sitting. She stood so close that her leg touched Ash's. She looked down into her face, holding her gaze, and let out all of the intensity she felt. And she leaned down and pressed her lips against Ash's very softly, but the kiss was filled with so much passion that Ash found herself kissing her back. Kat's hand rested lightly on the nape of her neck- not forcing her, merely suggesting that she stay. All the feeling she'd been hiding since that first day showed itself. This was real.
Kat broke the kiss and hugged Ash close to avoid seeing her face. She could feel Ash's heart beating hard and fast. "I'm sorry." Kat whispered, lips at her neck. "Goodbye Ash." And she pulled away, turning and leaving the room, the tears already starting. Ash stood up slowly as she watched her friend leave.
"Don't go." she whispered, a second too late.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ash heard the car pull out of the driveway and ran to the door just in time to see the red tale lights disappear among the trees. "No." she said. She couldn't let her go. She couldn't let that feeling go. Not ever again. She got into her car and followed.
It didn't take long to find the bright red car on the side of the road, off, its occupant curled in the driver's seat, slumped against the steering wheel. Ash pulled over and got out. Slowly, she approached the car, and slid into the passenger's seat. "Kat." she said quietly. The girl beside her shuddered at the sound of her voice and sort of shrank into the door of the car. "Kat..." She reached for her and Kat buried her face in Ash's shoulder. There were no more tears, just sobs. Somehow that was worse. Broken sobs that ran through her whole body. "I'm sorry," she said again and her voice burned with regret and guilt. "I'm so sorry, Ash. I ruined everything." She was still in Ash's arms. Ash thought about that kiss, how she'd felt, how Kat had made her heart skip a beat. She held her tighter and whispered, "No. No you didn't."
Silence. For a moment they just held each other.
"How can we ever get past this, though? Now that you know?" Kat's voice cracked with longing and shame.
Ash took a deep breath. "Maybe...maybe we don't have to..."
Kat froze in her arms.
Ash pulled back and looked at her, "I don't mind..."
Kat stared at her. She wanted to believe it but she couldn't. Ash held her gaze.
She leaned closer, but it was Kat who pushed her away. "No, no I can't. Don't you see? If I let go now, if I trust this, it'll hurt more later. Like you said- you just want to be loved. You might not actually feel this, and I..." she paused, her voice breaking. "...I couldn't deal with that." she whispered.
Ash stared at her for a second, and pulled her back into her arms. Kat sighed against her, shuddering with the remnants of her tears...... and felt Ash's lips brush her neck. Her stomach twisted and her heart jumped. Ash slowly pressed her mouth against the soft skin under Kat's jaw, kissing it, working her way down her neck and back up again. Kat leaned into her slightly, gasping for air, her body reacting to every touch. Ash pulled her forward, breathing softly into her neck. "Ash..." Kat whispered. "Mmmm?" Ash sighed against her. She could hear the smile in it. Kat's breath caught at the sound- she had forgotten how to breathe. But she leaned back, pushing Ash away slightly, even though she wanted nothing more than to lose herself in her arms. She met those blue-gray eyes and found her lungs again.
"Don't... not unless you really mean it, Ash," she begged.
Ash didn't say anything. Instead, she leaned in and kissed her, softly at first, but it grew in intensity as Ash pulled her closer. She felt the tiniest bit of hesitation, and then Kat melted into her. She had had no idea how much Kat needed her until now. And she loved her for it. Really loved her. Her hands cupped Kat's face, brushing the tears from her cheeks. Kat kissed her back as if she couldn't get close enough. Slowly, deliberately, Ash slid her hands down the sides of Kat's neck to her shoulders. Ash smiled through the kiss as she felt a shiver run through Kat's whole body. Kat's head spun as she felt Ash's tongue slip in between her lips. She tasted like the rain. Kat clutched her closer, desperately, feeling like she was about to explode from wanting her. They broke the kiss, and something changed in Kat's eyes as she looked into Ash's face, lips only inches away from hers. Staring into her eyes, she pushed her shoulders gently and sank down on top of her, kissing her hard. She was no longer afraid. As she kissed down Ash's neck, she could hear her labored breaths. She nipped at the soft skin and Ash gasped leaning her head back to expose her throat while pressing up against Kat. Now Kat could feel Ash's heart racing in her chest as she moved against her. "I love you." she heard Ash whisper, her voice low and breathy. That voice sent shivers down her spine and made her whole body tingle. She had waited so long for this. She stopped, lingering at the base of Ash's neck. Ash could feel the warm breath on her skin. Kat's lips were so close to her neck, she leaned forward slightly- she wanted to feel those lips against her. But Kat slid up so that their faces were only inches apart. "I love you too." she breathed. Looking into her gray-blue eyes, she kissed Ash slowly, gently, her hands sliding up Ash's arms to rest under her jaw very lightly. "Someone's thinking about you," she murmured into Ash's lips. And the rain pouring on the roof of the car almost drowned out her words.

Author's Note

Please be kind, I am young. Thank you for your time. :)