resounding heartbeat

Written for the love of my life.

Our love is like a chemical reaction. Sulfuric acid burns away our barriers, and we bare all, naked and unclothed. You grasp my hand tightly. I feel shivers resonate through your spine. "Walk with me," I whisper. Blasphemous and unhindered, we climb to the highest peaks. Our eyes turn to the gods and scream in defiance. "Find a love stronger than ours!" Lightning fills the sky and thunder roars in a beautiful cacophony of violence. "No one asked you to find a love like the gods," a voice from the heavens said. "Simply that moment when you feel there is no love greater is enough." We lie next to each other exuberant in joy and exultation. I brush your hair to the side and we share one passionate look. A look that means everything and nothing. A look that tomorrow could mean hatred, but tonight is worth more than the world. Things can change quickly, but we lie in this moment. We embrace it.

Author's Note

I'd really like some constructive criticism on this piece.

Reviews

[Kara Emily Krantz]

really lovely. it could use a little editing - i guess... making the transitions a littlre more clearer, so we don't feel like we're being ripped around too much.

"A look that means everything and nothing." - a little cliche. that's the only line that i thought was too trite.

it's a great piece though. i really really like what you're doing with it.

[Larissa G.]

I wasn't sure if the poem was in this style because of the old uploader making it so, or if it was intentional.
If intentional, it was definitely a different style. More like prose than anything else.

Now, it captures emotion fairly well. The word choice and the images used in the beginning could be a bit stronger and drawn out, and it would be even better.

I also wasn't sure if I liked the hike to speak with the Gods. It has this old legend feel to it, which is sometimes OK, and sometimes not. I'm still not sure where I stand on that, honestly.

Still, what you have is definitely not bad. :)

[LostCauze[:P]]

A really good poem, even though its not really written in normal poem structure which i am not used to reading. Other than that the poem is terrific, the imagery was there, just i think you should of spent more time describing things more and with more detail. It felt like the scene went by to fast, even though it was easily pictured in my mind. Regardless i enjoyed it. Keep writing.

[MrJodie]

Okay, first crack out of the barrel. The poem is good, no question. The things that confuse and/or concern me are the mixed imagery and a few of the descriptions. For example, I understand that you're feeling the energy through their spine, but you first mention holding their hand. The first is physical and the second is metaphysical, but there is no transition that allows me to understand it. The second is your beginning the entire piece with a chemical reaction, so starting with a scientific correlation, that is not repeated anywhere else in the piece. That's the only time you use that type of imagery. Okay, "beautiful cacophony of violence" makes it sound negative to me. I would recommend using "beautifully violent cacophony" instead. Last, a "look that means everything and nothing"? Why would something completely negate itself? I'd recommend providing a slightly different perspective, like a "look that is at once all encompassing and fleeting" or just add a slightly different twist like a "look that, though small and brief, means everything and nothing" to help the reader understand the description.

Still, it's passionate and hopeful. I do like it. Good work and KEEP WRITING, MAN!!!

[THE [ME]GEAN]

I remember when you wrote me this. I all but cried. You're a wonderful writer darling. :)

[Cassandra]

I VERY much enjoyed this... "sulfuric acid burns away barriers" .. I've a notebook with sulfuric burns so... this is vivid for me .. its not everyone that actually puts a chemical reaction to that fire that occurs between lovers in passion.. and you have, creative point number one. Then you go on to say that the act is "blasphemous and unhindered...." which is a wicked bit of delicious truth. I also really enjoyed the next line "our eyes turn to the gods and scream in defiance" hell yes! There are just times when you cant be shackled by religion when the love is there; and I also must say that "Lightening fills the sky and thunder roars in a beautiful cacophony of violence.." is one of the best lines I've read and I actually said WOW aloud. Personification of such powerful weather to portray the overwhelming passion of sex ..i love it. I'd say this is a very befitting poem for the love of your life ... a wonderful read.